Self Expression - Blog Posts

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of death and passing, grief, loss of family members, illnesses, and emotional breakdowns.*

Thursday, Oct. 27th, 2022 Part 2

4:46pm

Last night, Angel asked me about Granny (my great grandmother) and I told her about Granny’s conditions. After I answered, Gem asked me a lot of deep questions about how I felt about the situation. I’m not ready to witness Granny’s conditions firsthand, even if it’s over the phone. I feel this fear and pressure about addressing the situation. After I finished expressing that vulnerable feeling, she asked if she could give me a suggestion. I had the immediate thought and feeling of apprehension to say, “Not at this time.”, but instead, I nodded my head because I wanted her to feel that she had the space to support me. And, because of the pressure of her being Angel’s partner and the choice of saying no, seemed like a possibility for either of them to feel hurt by that. 

She then proceed to tell me things she wished she had done when time was leading up to her grandmother’s passing. She was extremely triggered and started to sob as she spoke. Then, Angel shared about her experience grieving her grandmother by celebrating her life, with photos and altars, and finding comfort in the qualities in herself that she got from her grandmother. Gem brought up her grandfather afterwards, and talked about that time while crying as she relived it. Angel was getting up and leaving, finding things to do around the apartment, through that part of the conversation as Gem spoke.

Once she finished, I told the both of them that I appreciated what they shared with me, and thank you. But, I really didn’t mean it. I appreciated that they wanted to help and support me, but what transpired and what they said was not what I was expecting or what I needed/wanted in that moment. When I said that I wasn’t ready and as I shutdown when thinking about what they were saying, I thought that it was understood that I also did not want to get in too deep either. Gem inserting herself in my moment of vulnerability with Angel at first, then speaking about her periods of grief while crying, shifted the conversation out of my comfort zone, worsened my fear and anxiety of my Granny’s health, and centered the conversation from me to her. It was triggering and much more emotional than what I wanted. While she and Angel spoke, it was so hard to stay present and not disassociate. I wasn’t trying to go through that and it left me feeling empty and numb afterwards. Throughout that conversation, all I was doing was imagining the many different scenarios of confronting Granny’s illnesses, her death, and after, I almost cried too as she spoke about her grandfather. It was filled with such heaviness. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m still not ready…

Part 1

hi my name is duchesstopaz and i’m a trauma survivor. there are so many things that i want to say, need to say… but no one who can understand if they don’t listen. i want to use my blog to just vent and get out all of this that needs an escape because it’s eating away at me. i am constantly evolving and changing and have grown so much over all of these years. i have a story to tell and this is one of the ways that i can share. so please watch as a 20 y/o shares way too much on the internet lol :). feel free to interact if you would like, feel free to give advice if you would like, but this is truly something purely for me that i would like to share.

Well…

Just bathe in my praises. Soak in them. Let them warm, rinse, clean… play in it, rest in it… submerge yourself at will, float on a whim, dip whichever and all the parts of you on a want. Praises will keep flowing from my lips. My well of expression will never run dry. It’s yours!

- pati3ntwolf (07092023)

Statement of Intent

You okay if I take some of that weight on my shoulders and I intent-fully commit myself to your honest expression - as a form of homage to self, respect, recognition, reverence, release, restructure, renew, reenergize, … and potentially so many other plusses that there can be no minus….? May I? Yes?

Statement of My Intentions:

I intend to not pressure but be an available reminder. I intend to not burden but to ease. I intend to not limit or define or expect. I intend to accompany, to balance, to provide presence and mutuality. I intend to do more by doing less. I intend to serve and not be served. I intend to stand in the gaps where i fit and be a reinforcing echo of your own intentions. I intend to be weightless but felt as support, safety, encouragement, reassurance. I intend to be complimentary and accepting of you as you are, however you are, wherever you are (in mind or spirit or emotion) at any given time.

- pati3ntwo1f (080322)

She…

She trusts - be it blindly, intent-fully, instinctually, passively - that the connection (acceptance) will be there whenever she returns

… and it will be… because she deserves… because he has earned… because she has burned… because he has reserves… because she emits it… because he elicits…because she just does… because he just loves… because she been through… because he’s been too… because she accepts… because he respects… because because because… “the connection will be there whenever she returns”…

Imagine if she learns..?!

-pati3ntwolf (062422)

In Ways…

I Love You, too

In ways i feel and are still hard to explain

(Smile) I just said hard to explain - haha…

It is on the fringe of what i’ve known (experienced)

Often one love is an accumulation of all the loves one can mimic from experiences of receiving them…

Then there is the “intent filled love” often spawned from one’s recognition and will for something different/deeper/wider/enveloping/freeing/more…

Then after that is the comfortably imagined.. the beginning of “not possible” or “that’s just emotional romantics” or “only in books or movies or poems” or even “beyond (me/us/this lifetime/possibility/deservedness)…

I Love You there! … and bravely desiring the beyond,

Into the unknown vacuum of Our Nature, Our emotional ecosystem, Our science, spirit and wonder… naturally creatively creating Our Love…

Our Loving…

Countless…

In (Our) Ways…!

-pati3ntwo1f (060222)

It is innate, an unthought action that comes automatically, an impulse with meaning and a goal, an instinct...

To gaze back with the intensities of fear and intrigue and excitement and belonging, to anticipate the risk and its thrill, to be entranced ever so helplessly yet ever so willingly, to respond...

Of the spectacle of sparks continuously reflecting your passioned outlook on me and this world, of being within heats’ range of burning desire’s furnace tempting such cure from my heart’s cold, of the nature that attracts moth to flame i am also beckoned and baited and boisterous, of my own impassioned and sincere convictions...

And yearn to dance within the radiance of your cinders and ambers, and tempt fate by how closely i position myself to rest and stoke your fires to flicker as though enraged with enjoyment, and crave the lullaby of your luminance and caress every hue of you with adoration and acceptance, and approach your goddess with agape and adventure and without admonishment.

- Pati3ntWo1f (100220)

Let him be the first...

That you tell how you feel, honestly and completely... the sweet and the salty...

A number have wanted to hear you speak that freely, from a place they believe exists within you and they admire, are astonished by, fantasize about...

It is something each of them, directly, indirectly, wishingly and/or needingly sought/seek from you... a confirmation, a correction, an acknowledgement, an expression of...

That...

That culmination of your beauties, that sounding of your intentions grander than themselves, that display of your alluring mysteries, that momentum of your irresistiblities...

That unpronouncable word pronounced only by a bookay of emotions blooming in sync...

That familar song only heard in the vacuum of one’s chest that was once occupied by the air that pressure sealed my vulnerability, cadenced by the upbeat rythm my heart is now beating as i am faced to admit how you’ve captured me...

That unearthly draw, as though my purest joy is now a body of water that i bathe in, fearless of its endless depths, awaiting day to turn night to day - but not for the apppeal of the sun of the colors of the sky... but for the movement of, the tiding of my joys - atuned to your gravitaional pull on my world...

My...

I mean, Their...

I should stop while I am ahead. But know, there is more to the point.

-Pati3ntWo1f (07202020)