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Nah mate, this ain't easy, it's like trying to go rowing but you got one of the oars instead of two so you go in circles instead of forwards
Do you ever feel like a starving carnivore?
What do you mean?
Well, sometimes, very rarely mind you, but once in a blue moon I get into this mood where I like, feel like I wanna eat organs or some shit. Not a random person though, I'm not Jeffery Dahmer! It's like I wanna eat myself? Like I get a rage and my head gets filled with violent gore and screaming and I wanna tear flesh from bone like I'm a wild animal or a monster or something, but in a weird way at the same time I always wanna be torn apart myself, feel the pain, I desire it. I tend to eat gas station meats when I feel like that, viciously rip it with my teeth, sometimes I get cheetos or takis too and it's like I'm breaking through bones, and in a weird way, I'm not me anymore. I'm a monster tearing myself apart. I'm a ravenous creature feasting on fresh meat and chewing through bones and drinking in the viscous blood. I'm me and I'm the monster I run from, I'm the monster and the meat.
When it ends it helps, I feel better, I'm not mad anymore, the monster is fed and it can go back to it's cage for a long time before it inevitably begins to starve again.
I don't know how to get rid of the monster that desires so desperately sometimes to eat me and begs for a visceral mess of carnage. I don't think I could deny it forever no matter how hard I tried. I can delay it, I don't open that cage until I am home, but the monster won't let me rest if I don't feed it eventually, fake meat, fake blood, fake bones, for the imaginary monster. I don't know how to get rid of the desire to be torn apart by it.
Like I said, it doesn't happen often, and I never hurt anyone in reality, I don't even hurt anyone in my head, the monster eats me, I am the monster, I only eat myself. I don't know what that means though.
The best way I can describe it is feeling like a starving carnivore.
Sometimes I think my therapist was very wrong and I do, in fact, have ADHD and maybe knowing that fact for certain and getting access to ways to manage it would help a lot actually.
"Oh *****'s such a gifted child, she's very smart and answers all the teacher's questions. There's no way something could possibly be different about her!"
Then the years go by and I get worse and worse in class as teachers start assigning homework and projects but it can't be any sort of neurodivergence because '***** was always such a smart child, she's clearly just not putting in the effort anymore.'
I barely take care of myself because doing things like brushing my teeth or taking a shower or cleaning my room don't... Make me feel accomplished in any way, they just make me feel like I wasted my time and now my mouth tastes like mint and I can't eat or I'm all cold and wet or my stuff is just going to get taken back out anyway. It's probably depression or an anxiety disorder, let's give her some medicine for that.
The medicine helps me with some mild mood swings, but those become a non-issue when I'm out of school and the effort put in driving to the pharmacy and refilling my prescription just isn't worth it anymore.
I should probably go to the doctor, the dentist, the optometrist, but I really don't feel like scheduling an appointment right now, it can wait until my schedule's more free. Then my schedule gets more free and I forget because I always do unless the problem is right in front of me. There's a crack in the ceiling of my room that I should probably tell my parents about but I kept forgetting until my dad walked into my room and saw the crack himself.
Is something wrong with me? Or am I just lazy?
My therapist was probably right. I don't have ADHD, I'm just not putting in the effort.