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When you reached out your hand in friendship I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to play with you and give you my all. But you didn’t want it. I don’t know why but when I reached back you shied away. “Ah don’t worry about,” you dismissed with a wave of your hand. So I backed off, figuring you just did things in your own unique way.
We never really talked after that.
When I moved schools and you declared me your best friend, the smile on my face I had the rest of the day. I shared all of my love with you, all the things that were important to me and listened to your own rambles. But then you said “you’re a little funny, you know?” I didn’t think much of it, I knew I was a little different.
“I’m gonna hang out with someone else today,” you repeated day in and out.
I found some other groups to play with.
Another year meant another school. I talked to so many people, hoped that I could find a place among their love. But I never stuck around too long, never felt welcomed. Hands don’t really reach out anymore.
Then I met you guys, purely by accident really.
And it was magical, we would talk for hours and I could be myself. You guys stood there like trees, your roots keeping strong and soaking up the flood of those feelings I felt towards you.
And then the sickness came. We all hid away in our rooms, and still talked many a times. We ignored all of the problems we were facing at home.
Then I had to leave again, and now I only speak with one of you. And for that I will love you forever.
Months seemed to pass in a blur-there seemed to be no love then-and I found myself back at another school, the sixth and fortunately the last. I met one of the most important people there, we bonded over some stickers on her computer and never looked back. You loved me with so much it almost felt like looking in a mirror, I felt like someone matched everything I gave to them. It is a calmer, quieter love, but intense none the less. You, for the first time in my life, made me feel like you cared. Made me feel like someone really wanted all of my love. That I wasn’t just a weird hurricane of emotions with no control over myself. Sure your friends still have me that look, but I didn’t care. Someone wanted my love and that is all I need.
The other one I met during this time was truely a battle of wits and banter. But despite the aggravation at our clashing differences, a beautiful friendship blossomed from it. It is deep and honest, and it seemed to touch a part of my heart I didn’t know I had. You are a rock in my life and I don’t doubt that it will fade over time (I desperately hope it does not, for I don’t think I could handle another heartbreak)
I’m starting anew next year, this time of my own choice. But that’s just it. I’m starting all over again, with the only remnants of these important people in my life through messages and the odd phone call. While I know I will see you again I won’t be able to hug you for many months, I don’t know if I can survive that. I don’t know if I can survive having to speak to so many strangers again where everyone is so serious and will see my love as childish or with the wrong implications. The polite declines to do something together when I reach out. The distaste for any form of physical comfort. The need to focus on succeeding that I have no one to receive my love.
Sometimes I wonder why I can’t seem to make friends no matter how hard I try. I’m doing everything I was told to do, I followed the rules. I respected peoples space, I listened when the needed it. I reached out. I spoke with everyone about the things they enjoy. But I’m shouting into a void. You all still flinch when I laugh a little too loudly, you share awkward glances when I speak for a little too long. You tell me to quiet down when I get passionate about an important topic. You never want hugs, surely not everyone is that disturbed by touch, right? I see you laugh amongst yourselves. I see the hand holding and kind words exchanged.
Why doesn’t anyone seem to want my love? Am I that malfunctioned that I can’t seem feel anything correctly? What am I doing wrong that no one wants to be around me?
Why can’t the pain of everything I’m holding within myself go away.
Why can’t I just be normal?