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Compulsory heterosexuality describes the societal and internalized pressures and influences on lesbians (as well as gay men and some bisexual women, but that’s for a different post) to be heterosexual, or at the very least present and act heterosexual, and the way those influences and pressures affect our perception of our own sexuality. Compulsory heterosexuality makes us believe that we are attracted to men when that attraction is actually not genuine, and not knowing whether what we’re feeling is genuine or not can be extremely confusing when trying to figure out what our sexuality is.
The important thing when questioning if your attraction is genuine is to figure out what the root of your feelings are. Genuine attraction and compulsory attraction, when broken down, are polar to each other. The following are examples of what genuine attraction might feel like vs. what compulsory attraction might feel like. Keep in mind, these are generalized and not universal or flawless! Attraction is different for everyone. But hopefully these should help to provide a framework to start distinguishing between genuine and compulsory experiences of attraction:
Genuine attraction: The attraction you feel happens of its own accord, it develops naturally and without your control or external manipulation. It is rooted in what you want and what you feel instead of what the other person wants or feels. You aren’t only interested because they showed interest first, or because you need their attention or validation. It feels overall pleasant, comfortable, and right to you. You might get nervous around the other person or feel butterflies, but this is more of a rush and an excitement than it is uncomfortable, if it’s uncomfortable at all. You would enjoy acting on your feelings if the right opportunity presented itself. You hope that the other person would want to reciprocate, and that they feel the same way about you as you feel about them.
Compulsory attraction: The attraction you feel exists out of a feeling of pressure or responsibility. You feel or think as though you “should” be attracted to them, as if under obligation to. You don’t mirror the other person’s desire and attraction at all, you are merely the receiver of it. You feel nervous around them because being the focus of their attention makes you uncomfortable. You might like them as a friend or as a person but when it comes to feeling anything romantic or sexual for them there is a disconnect. You have no real desire to take things further with them, but are simply following the script of the relationship.
Ways compulsory heterosexuality can manifest: (I’ve taken many of these from other sources, not all of them are my original experiences! This list is by no means complete or perfect, this is simply a collection of experiences that can be common to lesbians experiencing compulsory heterosexuality).
General:
I like men, I’m just very picky/my standards are very high
I like men, but I have no interest in ever being with one
I like men, but only fictional or otherwise unattainable men are attractive to me
I like men, I just strongly prefer women, to the degree that my attraction to them in comparison to my attraction to women is close to zero
I like men, but I would never sleep with one
I like men, but I would never date one
I like men, but my attraction to them is unpleasant/burdensome
I like men, but I wish I didn’t
I like men, but if I had the choice to rid myself completely of my attraction to them I would, because I would be much more happy/myself that way
When considering relationships with men, it is more about a sense of duty in my mind than enjoyment. Whether or not I’m happy in the situation doesn’t matter
I can’t imagine feeling about men the way I feel about women, it feels impossible to ever love a man the way I love women
I feel attraction to men in hypothetical situations, but when those situations become real or attainable I lose all interest
I feel like my attraction to men ultimately gets in the way of me enjoying life/enjoying my sexuality. I feel like if I were rid of it things would make much more sense to me
I have ID’ed as things other than lesbian before, but those labels always felt dishonest
The attraction I feel toward men is never carefree or enjoyable. I don’t enjoy experiencing it
I could probably tolerate being with a man, therefore I must not be a lesbian
I could put up/cope with having sex with a man, therefore I must not be a lesbian
Hypothetically, in a distant future, there might someday exist a man who I can fall in love with, therefore I can’t be a lesbian
I want people to see me as something other than a lesbian, but I don’t want the expectation or pressure of being with men to be put on me
Dating and flirting with men always feels very robotic and scripted to me
I want to be able to devote 100% of my time and attraction to women, but I feel unable or unallowed to
I hate it when men show interest in me, it is always unwanted
I crave male attention but the moment I receive it I hate that I have it
I get uncomfortable knowing that a man has a crush on me, or that he feels attracted to me in any way
Crushes:
I develop crushes on men by picking and choosing beforehand who I will have a crush on. They never develop naturally
I develop crushes on men after being informed by a second party that I have a crush on them (through teasing, insisting, prodding, etc)
I develop an attraction to men only after they’ve shown that they’re attracted to me
I develop a crush on men only after I am aware that they have a crush on me
I develop crushes on men in some circumstances, but when I do they cause me anxiety/distress, or make me uncomfortable in some other way
My crushes on men require “upkeep”
The crushes I develop on men feel nothing like the crushes I develop on women
The crushes I develop on men feel very performative and/or scripted
Fantasies/dreams/sexual stuff:
My fantasies involving men focus on their pleasure in the situation, not mine
My fantasies involving men always involve an imbalance of power dynamics, e.g. there is coercion or force used and I am not the one in control
I have had sex dreams involving men, but always wake up feeling gross or upset (or both)
The men in my fantasies are always faceless or blank-faced
I am completely lost as to how to interact with a man sexually, whereas with women it comes naturally to me
Men’s bodies look and feel physically “wrong” to me, as in it doesn’t feel how it should/how I expect it to. Everything is the wrong shape and smell and texture
Note: This post is still a WIP! I will most likely be coming back later and updating parts here and there, but I didn’t want to wait any longer to post so I put it up as is. Hopefully this was a helpful starting point for you guys! If you have any feedback let me know, I’d love to hear it :).