But Whatever - Blog Posts

I call it "laughter through tears"

my e key on my laptop stopped working for a little bit last night while i was writing and i took it as a sign from god that i should stop

marauders' era heights let's go

sirius black- 5'10". has to stand on his tiptoes to kiss remus but is tall enough to make fun of james for being small

remus lupin- 6'6" and always hits his head in doorframes

james potter- 5'6". short king. he is slightly taller than peter but he looks taller than he is because he's well built. never in his life lied about his height. sirius always makes fun of him and he makes fun of himself too

peter pettigrew- 5'5" but brags that he is only one inch shorter than james

lily evans- 5'8", love me some tall gf & short bf

mary macdonald- 5'5", is actually average height

dorcas meadowes- 6'1" and always makes fun of their shorter friends

marlene mckinnon- 4'11", no objections. small but fierce and will kick you in the shin if you make fun of how short she is

frank longbottom- 5'8", is also average heighted and enjoys it because he can both reach the top shelf and he doesn't hit his head in everything

alice fortescue - 5'4" (aka my height)

Arcana Analysis--The Amazing Digital Circus: Gangle (The Moon)

Only the fourth so far, but this one was the most difficult for me in terms of choosing which arcana fits best. Here we go!

Next up is Gangle, a super-emotional woman with the motif of masks. Also the star of the most recent episode, which most of this essay will cover. I chose her card as The Moon, number eighteen in the arcana deck. A card representing illusions, anxiety, and the subconscious, it fits very well with Gangle's limelight episode, Fast Food Masquerade.

Gangle's most prominent character trait is her comedy and tragedy masks, both of which represent her moods. She's cheerful in the comedy mask, and downbeat in the tragedy mask. Unfortunately, the former gets broken easily, and it happens a lot, thus most of the time Gangle is in tragedy mode. Here's the thing, though--Gangle's real face is her tragedy mask. So what does that make her comedy mask?Fast Food Masquerade gives us an answer. Not only does the title itself hint at Gangle's true nature, it also evokes The Moon.

After yet another comedy mask is broken thanks to Jax, Gangle is offered an unbreakable plastic mask by Zooble, a player with an abstract body. She's delighted by the new mask, and it gives her a mood boost. Then we get to the adventure of the day, Spudsy's. Gangle is made the shift manager by Caine the ringmaster. Sounds like a moment of stupidity, considering Gangle's meek personality up to this point, but as it turns out, she has experience in the role stemming from her pre-Circus life. She takes the job very seriously, and the mood boost allows her to dominate Jax for once.

Now comes the dominant theme of the episode--"masking". We pretend to be different from our true selves in a certain situation. And it can't get any more literal than Gangle and her masks. Despite the mood boost, she doesn't seem to truly be happy. As a matter of fact, there are visual and aural clues that she's slowly losing her sanity over the course of the workday, meaning that she was dangerously close to Abstracting. The two key moments are when Jax and Ragatha comment on Gangle's new chipper nature; the former says "I like you better when you're sad", and the latter, hopped up on Stupid Sauce, says "you're kind of annoying when you have your happy mask". Both of them are followed up by a *tink* and a close-up on Gangle. Indeed, Gangle just seems to be faking her happiness with the comedy masks. After sunset, she takes a moment by herself to take off her mask and scream in frustration, unaware that Pomni was close behind. Despite the latter's attempts to reach out to her, Gangle puts the comedy mask back on and tries to mirthlessly laugh it off. She remains miserable for the rest of her shift until Pomni offers to close up shop for her. Once Gangle leaves, she throws away her mask, and despite being in "tragedy mode", she's able to genuinely feel joy and bliss, even if only for a moment.

We also get to dip into Gangle's mind and get some insight as to why she was especially stressed during the adventure. When she punishes Jax for his comment, she uses an instructional video where she makes fun of the viewer for having the dream of being a comic artist. It's a pretty specific rant, which comes back in the end when it's shown that Gangle is an artist herself. So perhaps before the Circus, she wanted to be a comic artist, but was instead working as a shift manager at a restaurant. Perhaps the adventure dug up some bad memories for her, which she kept to herself even when Caine brought up the idea of working at Spudsy's. That's an example of The Moon Reversed, where you push your feelings further within your subconscious.

To cap it off, Gangle's story is evocative of The Moon with the prominent themes of masking. Perhaps in the future, she may start becoming more comfortable with showing her real self and eventually stand her ground against Jax. (please Goose, she's suffered enough! :(( )

I FINISHED 🥳 MORE TOGACHAKO BRAINROT LETS F*CKING GOOOOOOO

(pls click the pic if you wanna see the details better :3)

@dailytogachako happy late b-day :3

So god created us in his image, right? And that’s cool and all but what if it turns out god, like, hates his own image??? What then????

So god created us in his image, right? And that’s cool and all but what if it turns out god, like, hates his own image??? What then????

I sketched those little critters I saw in the Roschach test. They're guarding the sword

My first time doing makeup!! Thank you so much @resetren for teaching meee!! Also I failed on the left eye but sssshhh we don't talk about that :)

(I guess this is also a meet the artist thingy)

Sometimes I just remember the one moment when I felt really cared for after a year of abuse from my 'best friend' and months of strained relationship with my parents after I had pushed them out during that year, then left them with the broken aftermath of their very traumatized, very expensive, daughter.

I was in the ER. Not a rare occurrence at the time. It was before one of my inpatient stays that year, but I'm not sure if it was the second or the third, they all blur together. I usually would have to spend a night there and wait for a bed to open up before being admitted, and that was how it went this time. In the middle of the night, I woke up with a nosebleed from the dry hospital air. I didn't really know what to do. Any normal person would get up and go to the nurse's station and get some tissues or something, but being a mentally ill child who was just yelled at by her mother the day before for saying she needed help because the hospital bills were already stacking up and going to the ER cost a lot of money, not to mention the inpatient stay, I didn't want to inconvenience the nurses (it's literally their job) so I just laid back with the back of my hand over my nose while I waited for it to stop. Swallowed a lot of my own blood, but I was already in such a horrible mental state, broken to my core to the point I wanted to leave mortality, that I could care less as long as nobody else was affected.

The bleeding stopped and I did the best I could to get the dried stuff off my hands by licking my finger and rubbing it off, but it was dark, so I couldn't really see if it worked. I went back to sleep and then woke up in the morning and did my usual ER routine of sitting in the dark because I didn't want to have to go out to ask the nurses to turn on the light (lightswitches weren't in the rooms for safety reasons or something idk). When one of the nurses came in to bring me breakfast, she turned on the light, but I didn't notice there was still dried blood on my hands and just ate my breakfast in silence because I never asked for them to turn on the TV. I always waited for them to suggest it since I didn't want to inconvenience them (again, it's literally their job to do that but I still felt bad asking). When she came back to take my tray, she noticed the blood and asked about it. It was only then I realized that blood on the hand of a mentally ill child in the ER because she could hurt herself is easily interpreted as literally anything other than a nosebleed. I panicked and started explaining myself, and to my relief she believed me and I wasn't put on a 1 to 1 (I had to experience that at some point later and it sucks). She left to go get me a wipe to clean it off.

She came back and I was sitting on the floor next to the weird little plastic round side table thing. I was expecting her to just throw it at me or something and leave me to clean myself up, but to my surprise she sat down in front of me and (after asking permission to touch me) started wiping my hands for me. She was just so careful and sweet about it. She called me 'honey' and it left me with a warmth in my chest that I hadn't felt in over a year.

It's kind of odd but I just look back at that memory with a weird sort of fondness. To her it was probably just a normal day on the job, but for me that moment meant so much. She was also probably just using it as an opportunity to look me over and make sure I was telling the truth about the nosebleed, but still. I was just this scared kid who felt like she was so worthless that she couldn't even ask a nurse to turn the TV on for fear that she would be loathed, and this woman went out of her way to lightly scrub the blood out of my nails.

Nowadays I'm doing better. My mental state has improved and I've been working on moving past that all, but I think that some time this past week was the 2 year anniversary of that day, and it just goes to show how far I've come. From being surprised and comforted by a psych nurse's gentle touch on my hands (the first human touch I had felt in months), to casual hugs with my friends and a year and 7 months out of the hospital as of yesterday.

Served (and than died... literally) ( @cookiedough77 's au)

I wonder if mlb duos would have official ship names if they were less awful. barsh? bicherro? albuña? balvarez? terrible

this is really random but since yall are like friends to me I don't mind being random

but I've been having a throbbing headache for three or four days now and it's fucking killing me slowly I swear

this shit almost made me pass out so many times (and im also anemic which just makes things incredibly worse)

idk what to do cause it doesn't matter how many pain killers I take or how much water I drink it doesn't go away

anyways, this won't change shit in your lives but I wanted to talk about that cause I have nothing better to post abt

went to an emo nite show on friday and met a guy wearing a brown leather jacket and a mcr shirt. didn't get his name or number. we sang welcome to the black parade and i'm not okay with each other. he said he liked my energy and my skeleton gloves. i've been beating myself up all week about why i didn't get his number. every time i turn a corner, i foolishly hope he's walking there. is this important for anyone to know? not really. but i can't stop thinking about who i have dubbed to be mcr leather jacket guy. i like to think that if i really was meant to know him, he'll show up again in some way. for now, i'll just think of him whenever i hear my favorite songs.

Saw the comic from @multyfandomsdraws and thought it was so cute!! Would Victoria start calling Ceroba auntie? I dunno it was just a thought I had lol

Victoria and Charolette would totally talk about how cool of a person she is, maybe even start a Ceroba Fanclub? (they seem like the type to do that sort of thing to me ngl)

Ceroba design belongs to @northstarscowboyhat !

Also sorry for my artstyle being inconsistent lol

I think it would be so cute if after Saiko got “defeated” (yknow… the purge or something) he felt so pathetic he straight up bailed Kuboyasu out of jail. And Kuboyasu was like “why tf r u doing this??” And Saiko dramatically wipes a tear from his eye and is like “JUST GO!!” And when Saiko doesn’t appear at school for a week Kuboyasu is just like huh. That guy is so weird

I posted in the tags below my latest post phrase “transgender-“coded” character (socialised as man)” referring to Yashiro. And the moment I wrote it I felt that something is off (and kept overthinking it) but I wasn’t able to grasp it cause we use this phrase, right? There “shouldn’t” be any problem with that, right? But I kept thinking about it and I asked myself a very obvious question - was Yashiro really socialised as a man? Was he really raised and socialised according to gender norms on men and masculinity? And similarly obvious answer to that was - no, he wasn’t. He has always been an observer even to gender.

His whole life was about being treated as unintelligible (according to Riggs and Treharne’s theory of minority stress) and he’s also a perfect example of being an abject in Kristeva’s understanding of this term. He’s a subject (he’s human and should belong to himself) but at the same time an object - object that can be watched, used, treated with repulsion and contempt but because of this in-between existence - subject and object - the he as an abject can be desired, treated with curiosity, but still as an interesting phenomenon, anomaly, a display unit rather than a full-fledged human-being. The examples of groups treated as abjects are women, homosexual people and in general other discriminated groups. When we look at Y he’s at the same time a homosexual man but also he’s “not enough of a man” even without his homosexuality (actually bisexuality which is even “worse”; I’m also aware that those aspects can’t be really separated but for the sake of argument let’s treat them as such) he’s gender is a whole other conversation but while analysing him as a transgender women, we see how this only amplifies everything stated before.

But let’s get back to gender roles. Starting from his childhood, well it’s hard to talk about gender roles while talking about sexual abuse, but comments from his stepfather says a lot about social understanding of violence and its victims. He was raped cause “he was a girl” suggesting that, according to his stepfather’s reasoning, it wouldn’t have happened if he was a boy. We know nothing about other aspects of his childhood but it seems highly unlikely that he was taught and treated “as a boy” (understood as a form of upbringing that strengthens your sense of self-agency, that you have the right to *insert anything* and everything else we taught boys in patriarchal cultures).

During his high school he made himself an observer. He wasn’t part of any group, he didn’t socialise with “other boys” and the only interaction we see between him and the boys is while they mock and insult him. The object of these insults is also very important cause it’s linked to his sexuality, to his body (which is what he sells in their opinion)and he’s reduced to that and defined through that. Also his reaction seems to be important. What he “should” have done according to gender roles was showing aggression, deny “accusations” or act according to any other form of “masculine reaction”. But he’s reaction is a very interesting one and can be analysed through many different lenses but for this post I’m gonna stick with gender roles and abjection. By kissing the boy and grabbing his genitalia he at the same time grabbed him and dragged him to the space others have seen Y in. At the same time he was a subject, active party of interaction - he dragged a person who has (probably) always been treated as a subject from a position of an observer of an abject to the position of being observed in an interaction with the abject, so it presents a question of who is who, who observes who, who is a subject, a full person, and who is not - but at the same time Yashiro stayed in the same position, he amplified others’ contempt towards him, he cemented his position as an abject. Of course he was doomed from the start in this interaction but the action and resilience matters. At the same time a question about the nature of his reaction remains. It was a form of protest, an attempt to be intelligible but it was a form of sexual harassment nevertheless. How does that plays with gender roles? Was he an oppressor, a victim who was just fighting for oneself, both? Was he a “man” in this interaction or a “woman”?

And there’s Kageyama and oooh boy. I would love to say that he was different but as many others have already said - he wasn’t. Their relationship was based on pity towards Yashiro as a victim and his body. Actually without his body Kage wouldn’t even cross the line of being just “slightly better than the rest” random boy from Y class. That was Yashiro’s body that changed everything and Kage’s reaction to that was just pure objectification. Y’s body was a true piece on display. They hadn’t even been talking. To some extent yeah Kage acknowledged that the lack of judgment from Y was something he appreciated but isn’t it interesting that through staying silent Y remained in the position of an abject, the interesting object, but at the same time he could keep the scraps of the relationship. But the moment he decided to start talking, decided to tell something about himself as a person, a subject, and about his life, Kage decided to stop touching him and “started acting as some kind of a friend”. And we could look at it as something morally upright, but let’s be honest - Kage knew. He knew Yashiro was a survivor of abuse. Many instances of abuse. But Y was supposed to stay silent to keep the status quo. But he didn’t. What was left was pity but the abjection hasn’t stopped. You to see what I’m trying to say about gender roles here, right?

And then we have yakuza and ooooh. Many people have already written great analyses on Y, yakuza and gender norms, this so I’m not gonna repeat them. I can just comment on the moment he caught Misumi’s attention. It was his foot. You understand me, right? And then the whole cycle of abuse, being forced to join, not having any real choice, lack of ambition as not-fitting-for-the-yakuza-trait and everything else. Doumeki also perceived him through his beauty. Yeah, he saw more, but at the same time he didn’t and Y, even as a boss, wasn’t really in control. And then everything what is going on after the time skip but @nanayashi-agenda has written amazing commentaries on that (and on gender roles, Y position in the yakuza and everything actually) so, once again, I don’t want to repeat others (even though I’m well aware that without his posts I wouldn’t have been able to write this, so thank you).

So yeah, it was supposed to be short. And I don’t even know how to sum this up. Maybe that you could technically see this only as a homophobia but - was it really only that? Cause Y, his gender, his expression, the way he was treated, seems much more complex. Also he doesn’t WANT to be part of male-centred patriarchal organisation (I would even say that in this kind of world). It’s not about the need to be “a man” in a society and surroundings which just don’t let him, that’s not the case. He had always wanted to just be a subject with the real freedom of choices In his life. And once again - you get what I mean, right?

Side note: I’m aware that the Kristeva’s theory is much more complex, but I decided to stay on a basic level of that. Also I’m aware that this kind of understanding of socialisation to specific gender is simplified too cause actually many instances of people’s reaction to Y is because he was perceived as a man so the standards were according to that. What I wanted to say is that the gender assigned at birth doesn’t have to carry over one’s treatment during their earlier life and that it’s much more complex issue.

Hi. Idk how long ago I said I was maybe gonna post here and proceeded to just not but I'm finally actually doing it.

Here's a thing. The proportions may be inconsistent and such but who cares that's not the point of this. It's a costume sketch which means I can maybe hate it a little less than I hate almost everything I put more time into.

On a less self deprecating note, I already have a couple of the pieces done.

Specifically the headpiece and the mask(though the mask is just a prototype):

Everything else hasn't even been started. I need to purchase fabrics and make/alter patterns and do a bunch of sewing and get leather pieces commissioned and all of that but it's a first step.

Idk if I'll do my further updates about this on Tumblr but yeah. I did a thing.

Niccori^^Chousatai no Theme (Theme of Niccori Survery Team) Master Lv.31 FC

While her scars may fade over the centuries, I think that Athena would keep her facial marks as a reminder of her bestest of friends