Bryson Tiller - Blog Posts

“We’re for life y’know so, stop it. Stop doing this to me y’know I need you.”

✎ᝰ. Part one.

Black!Reader x Rockstar!Touya!

Now playing..

-Self Righteous by Bryson Tiller-

0:00 •━━━━───── 04:02

⇆ㅤ ㅤ◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷ ㅤㅤ↻

ılıılıılıılıılıılı

ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇ : ▮▮▮▮▮▮

📢: toxic relationship, unexpected pregnancy!, drug addiction + alcohol addiction!, smut, angst, he’s an asshole, and bad writing!

Trust me baby it’s hard to give it up, it’s tough.

He remember the day you left him. It was probably one of his clearest memories and one that he regretted a lot.

“I’m getting better I fuckin’ swear! It’s just for recreational use—“ He tried to explain himself but you cut him off “Touya don’t give me that shit” You pointed your manicured finger in his chest harshly “I can’t believe you—no..no you promised to me! You promised to me you stopped!” The sheer pain in your voice made him wince he didn’t like to hurt you (but he seemed to do it a lot didn’t he? Time and time again he lost count now)

“The doctor said it’s okay as long as I do it in small doses—“

“Shut the fuck up! Stop trying to defend yourself. And what doctor? Cause I know you’re not talking about Garaki!”

He sighed rubbing his face feeling his blood rush to his brain the pills were already kicking in and he could barely hear you curse him out. He wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Are you even listening to me?” Fuck. He heard that little crack in your voice the one that always came out when you were mad and about to cry. It almost broke his heart.

“You want me to be honest? No I’m not because it’s not a big deal. It just small doses to get me through the day I can control it.” He said his voice so sure and he gestured with his hand to the pill bottle in your hand.

You looked at him in disbelief and at his sheer audacity your throat burning with the sensation that let you know you were about the cry. You threw the pill bottle at the wall and it popped open the containments going everywhere. Touya let out a frustrated groan his eyes flickering between the bottle and you “God, why do you have to be so dramatic! Making this shit so complicated.”

You stuck your middle finger at him turning around to the stairs “Fuck you! I am so sick of you and your shit. “ You voice was angry as you headed up not even bothering to look back at him ignoring his mutterings. “The next time you’re crying in the shower or in the hospital for overdosing don’t even bother calling my number.” You didn’t even try to hide the tears as they flowed down your cheek.

He should see how much he hurt you.

“Oh so that’s what we’re doing? You don’t really mean that and we both know it.” His tone was so dismissive and so aggravating you turnt to look at him your lip curled in disgust.

You saw him pause at the tears and the bastard had the audacity to look away “Don’t feel guilty now and I’m deadass.” You said grabbing the gold necklace at your neck that had the delicate little ‘D’ letter hanging off of it (he gave it to you your first anniversary and back then he was so sweet and loving—) and promptly ripped it off throwing it harshly down the stairs.

You saw the way he turnt his head back his eyes immediately going to where he heard the sound and you saw the way his eyes widened. He looked at the object like it was foreign something he could barely comprehend.

He shook his head trying to keep his composure because he could feel it, his anger coming to the surface and him angry and high wasn’t a good mix. “You think that,” he gestured vaguely to the necklace “is ‘suppose to me make what? Say sorry? It’s just a fuckin’ necklace and you’re acting like I’m doing coke it’s just pills.”

There he goes acting like he was right in this situation downplaying your feelings.

He would ‘quit’ go through withdrawal and then he would start again and It was always ‘light pills’. Then he would want something stronger, and when that wouldn’t satisfy him he would want something more higher grade. It’s how he’d get enlisted in the hospital and this was his starting third time.

You couldn’t take it anymore the last time he—he had to take a break from his career one that got him a lot backlash from critics and his fans. And now he was acting like he was invincible? This was so tiring and you were exhausted dealing with this.

With him and his demons.

So you didn’t even respond back to him. Didn’t even give him a glance as you went upstairs and packed your bags. And when you came downstairs an hour later and saw him in the kitchen drinking you scoffed not even saying a goodbye.

He didn’t chase you. No you always did that.

But when those two weeks passed and you still didn’t come back on his doorstep he called your phone and learned that you blocked him.

He scoffed “Doesn’t matter..fuck her..abandoning me..”

But it did matter. Because you dug a tight little hole in his heart that yearned for your warmth ever since the day you left. (I need you—I fuckin’ need you. I’m so sorry I know..I know I’m a piece of shit but I need you—)

I guess it's my fault, I know what's up.

Everything was his fault because it was always his fault. He was always the one hurting and hurting and you were the one who always forgave and forgave. (You were always too good for him, you were a good girl you didn’t belong with somebody like him. You deserved to be with a nice man who treated you right and as much as he wanted that for you he fuckin’ hated the idea of you being with someone else.)

So the least thing he could do is give you some space so you could breathe and come to peace before he would walk back into your life and destroy everything with his ‘I’m sorrys’ and your favorite flowers.

In that time, his life got both simpler and more complicated. Simpler, because you weren’t there anymore—no one was nagging him about the smoking or the drinking. No one was in his ear, begging him to take care of himself. He could do whatever he wanted without your voice holding him accountable. It was like he was finally free.

But complicated, because without you, everything undoubtedly spiraled.

It wasn’t the drugs that sent him to the hospital this time, though. No, this time, it was something else—a different kind of wake-up call. One that came with sterile white walls, the beeping of machines, and a doctor who looked too tired to bother sugarcoating the truth

He could die if he didn’t stop drinking.

Two years. That’s all they gave him. His liver was already weak enough but now it was waving the white flag. He remembered sitting in that hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to laugh it off like he always did. But the laugh didn’t come.

Because for the first time, he realized that all the nights spent drowning his thoughts, all the times he’d chosen the bottle over you—over everything—had brought him here.

(You were listed as his emergency contact when they found him passed out. You didn’t answer. You didn’t answer. You didn’t answer. Why was he surprised you basically foreshadowed this life dangering situation. Because you were always right and right and he always was so, so wrong.)

Baby, we used to fuck (from now on we make love)

He missed those legs fuck. Those things were the only reason why he did missionary he swears on it. Feeling the plush of your inner thighs and the sheer warmth there made him smile like actually smile. And when he was drowning himself in them your legs closed around him and he could barely hear you asking if he was okay because you didn’t want to suffocate him.

But he didn’t care because the taste of your cum on his tongue was better than any drug he’s ever had in his life (and feeling your thighs tremble as he kept going ‘n going. perfection.) He missed you pussy dearly she always took him so well squeezing around him, being sooo warm, and making him cum. Not to mention that feeling he always got which he didn’t want to lose for the world but he lost it shit!. (his pupils blown wide dilated from the pleasure and adrenaline from being inside you. His cock pumping in and out of your puffy cunt while his lips sucked on your collarbone branding your skin with his marks of lust love leaving your brown skin with red hickeys in his wake. )

He couldn’t lie and pretend and say he didn’t miss you. He missed his girl. (He hoped nobody was in that pussy when he wasn’t there. Nobody deserved to be in there besides him thank you very much)

And your eyes (sexy brown eyes ) damn your eyes. They weren’t lying when they said ‘eyes are the window to the soul’ because he saw everything and he loved seeing that pleasure pool in them and the ‘I want you to stop but I don’t want you stop’ written all over your face. Ugh it was priceless. He missed seeing those eyes when he woke up in the morning looking at him with so much love and warmth (“touya stop staring at me it’s creepy.” He remembers you saying and he replied with a “nah, I get to wake up to this sight everyday can’t I be appreciative?”) He should’ve been more appreciative but selfishness runs through his blood and it’s in his nature. He can’t help it. He’s sorry he didn’t mean to hurt you. Take me back, please I need you. He missed seeing those eyes when got back from tour and finally got to see them in person after months on FaceTime. He missed seeing those eyes when he was in his darkest moments and you never looked at him like he was a monster you just wanted to help. He took it for granted. He took it for granted. This is all your fault. Take responsibility. He missed seeing those eyes.

Girl, let's catch up, phone calls ain't enough

That's where I messed up, I shoulda kept in touch

He would’ve kept in touch. He tried to keep in touch with you. But you blocked him and don’t ask him how he got your new number.

Come back home

You don’t gotta forgive me I just wanna talk

I’m a piece of shit I know but i got help I got put in rehab again and it’s been 3 months. I’ve been trying like actually and I haven’t missed any days and it’s all for you. Please let me be better for you.

But you never answered. You didn’t even leave him on seen. Did it hurt? Of course it did it felt like the little space you dug in his heart was going to be empty forever and you would never come back to fill it up. He would never admit but he cried himself to sleep sometimes because you were suppose to be right beside him letting him spoon you.

It wasn’t suppose to be this way. God he’s such an asshole.

Cause I ain't the type that will hit it and quit it

Even if it's mine, even if it isn't

Take them trips and pay yo' ass a visit

And then. And then you texted him. It was the middle of the day to when he was doing a recording session.

1-12-8 Shinjuku, Shinjuku Ward, Tokyo 160-0022, Japan

When he saw the message he felt starstrucked. Because the last time he texted you was a month ago and he had been busy with working on this album. He felt his breath hitch reading the message ‘okay Shinjuku? she only lives half an hour away what the fuck’ okay this wasn’t bad. “Gotta go, you guys finish your parts.” He said half dazed and half distracted grabbing his things and leaving not even hearing Toga say “wait where ya going?”

Holy shit. You were allowing him back in if this address was anything to go by. But why? I mean he’s very happy he is (he would do better this time. He fuckin’ had to because you were his everything and then more) but this was so random, he thought you were never going to respond to his texts and he was even more surprised you didn’t straight up tell him to fuck off when he texted you. And that gave him hope because he wasn’t blocked yet.

And now here he was speeding on the highway all the way to Shinjuku because he was back in. He wanted to call you and ask why now? But he felt like you wouldn’t have answered until he got to the apartment because that’s the type of shit you would do.

He looked around as he parked in the parking lot. It was a simple apartment complex nothing to fancy although the grass did looked like it needed to be cut. There weren’t any shady figures looming around so that’s good that you weren’t in a bad area because if he could he would move you out so quick.

He rubbed at his face tiredly feeling his nerves run through him. God why was he nervous get a grip Touya isn’t this what you’ve wanting since she left? So breathe. And he did it’s one of things that actually stuck with him from rehab it gave him a sense of control. Or at least a faux one because he was never in control not one time in his life

He got out his car shutting the door and locking it before pulling up your address again from the text. Except the door number wasn’t there so he had to text you.

What’s your door number?

He waited like a good two minutes before he saw the seen pop up and then no response. Okay weird and then he heard a door being opened making him look up to the second floor.

Oh.

Oh.

You dyed your hair? It was a honey brown color all over and was tied back in a slicked bun. Your eyes met his and he felt himself swallow hard and maybe he fell in love all over again. You then went back inside your apartment not a word from your lips and he quickly went to the stairs a couple feet away.

He rushed up and hurried down the walk to your door and promptly froze.

What.

What?!

Before he could even say anything you cut him off your voice soft and surprisingly calm (he was expecting anger for the most of it) “I don’t wanna hear nothing from your mouth until I say what I have to say. So come in and close the door.”

He swallowed hard again because there was to much going on and he was experiencing too much right now. He wasn’t expecting this. He felt dizzy, he felt like his head was spinning and spinning trying to wrap its self around this situation. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to bolt out the fuckin’ door and never come back. He-he—

Because here you are in the middle of your small living room holding a bundle of what he—of a—a bundle to your chest.

At your look he somehow had managed to turn around and close the door shut locking it and then turning around almost robotically. He eyed the bundle and saw a shift of movement which made you adjust your position. He felt his whole body freeze because no! He wa—wasn’t he..wasn’t ready. This had to be a dream—please let it be a dream!

His eyes flickered to the bundle, then to you, then to the bundle again. This shit couldn’t be real, it had to been some sick dream nightmare his brain made up and he was asleep in the studio right? Right?!

And then you started talking and everything went downhill from there.

“I was already pregnant..when I left. Maybe a week or so before and I was planning on telling you but I was scared.”

Touya felt something try to escape from his mouth but nothing came out. He remained speechless his throat closing up and his heart hammering in his chest so hard it echoed to his ears. This felt like being on adderall all over again except he wasn’t doing it for some motivation this felt like his drink got spiked.

He was staring at the bundle so hard he’s pretty sure lasers were about to come out. And then—and then he saw an a-arm escaping the blanket before going back in. “I..” His throat felt like it was on fire like and it reminded him of drinking whiskey the burn taste usually so welcomed but right now it it was unwelcomed.

“You weren’t ready.” Your voice steady and calm. You seemed so composed like you practiced for this in your head for days and you probably did. But he could see it the nerves the slight tremble of your finger and you still hadn’t look at him. Did it hurt so much to look at him? If it did he would understand he was still due for his punishment.

“Neither was I. And I..I thought about it. Aborting the baby and I was gonna do it for you. Because I know you’re not ready to be a father and all it would do was hurt you. But I was so s-sick of doing shit for you, thinking about your opinion, and how you felt when I didn’t even consider my own feelings.”

Your voice cracked just slightly but you swallowed it down rocking the baby gently as if to calm yourself. You still hadn’t looked at him

Touya’s knees felt like they were about to give out and the dizzying felt worse. “I—I would’ve been there for you. I wouldn’t have abandoned you y’know this—“

But you cut him off sharply “We both know that’s a load of shit.” Your huff of amusement felt like a slap across the cheek. He flinched and he couldn’t help but feel offended and he wanted to say anything to defend himself but he knew you were right.

“You weren’t in a place where I could tell you. You weren’t even in a place where I could stay. I didn’t feel safe around you Touya and when you get in that mindset..you get erratic.”

Ouch.

Your words felt like he was being cut open slowly by knives. His flesh, muscles, bone and blood revealed for all to see. Cutting around his skin sharply and deeply no mercy in your voice (he didn’t deserve it anyway). He felt a pang of guilt hammering in his chest, this wasn’t just a conversation this was his reckoning.

This is your punishment.

He felt at a lost of words once again because he didn’t know what to say or what you wanted him to say. His apology would mean shit and you both would know it but him saying nothing at all would make the silence worse.

“You texted me saying you got into rehab for me..and I don’t know whether to believe that or not. Because you say a lot of shit to convince me to go back to you. So is it true or are you lying to me?”

You were the executioner and he was the condemned looking up at you as you were about to bring the axe down if he didn’t spit the truth out now.

You finally had looked at him your eyes flashing with pain before it disappeared like it was never there in the first place. He swallowed hard and the man that had been hiding behind arrogance and all the bravado finally came out (he couldn’t wear the mask any more. Show yourself. Who are you Touya Todoroki?)

“It’s true. I’ve been off of it for awhile now..and the alcohol.” His voice had been softer than he intended to it almost sounded..fragile.

Was that enough? No it never was. He let his face show his real emotions because nonchalance wasn’t something you deserved right now. He needed to be honest with you, something you never got while you two were together.

His hands itched at him to do something to reach for you, offer proof that didn’t exist, but he stayed rooted in his place.

“I’m not lying,” He added his voice cracking at the edges (show yourself. show her.) “You—you were right about..how I would be in the hospital again. I deserved it.” ‘I deserved everything’ was unspoken but it was heard and he didn’t know if it was on deaf ears.

His declaration sat in the air heavy its weight crushing him and your eyes burned into his. You needed more and he would give you more. Anything even if it meant allowing the guilt, the sheer shame, and the fear show up on his face. Something he never would’ve done in the past because it was pathetic but now? He deserved to feel pathetic.

He deserved to be down on his knees begging for your forgiveness to be allowed back into your life again. And so that’s what he did.

He walked away from the door slowly so you could see his actions as he made his way over to you showing you exactly what he was doing. Getting down on his knees looking up at you like you determined life and death and in this case you did. You looked at him in barely hidden shock your lips parted to say something but he cut you off. “I messed up..I messed us up.” He confessed like the dammed tied up in chains of all his lies, manipulations, and failures. His voice had dropped lower almost to a whisper and it sounded desperate.

“Please,” His voice rasped. “Please believe me. I don’t wanna hurt you again. Let me be the one to help you with this. Let me take all of your pain because I deserve all of it. I don’t blame you for leaving me. I don’t. I’m to much ‘fuckin work, too much damage, too much for anyone to handle. You shouldn’t have to drain yourself for me. So I get it—I understand.”

You said nothing in return but he caught it the way your grip around the baby tightened and the shaky breath that followed right after. His voice was gaining strength even as his composure was breaking and cracking finally showing you the man who you fell in love with.

“I took you for granted,” he continued his voice was raw and full of pain “But I’m taking responsibility now. I’m being mature something I know you needed in the past and I know I’m too late. But I’ve grown and I want you to see that. And I meant it when I said I went to rehab for you. I needed to get better. For you. For…” He looked up at the bundle you were cradling so gently and he had to take it in on how perfect you looked. (He felt like he was intruding and that he didn’t belong here looking at something so sacred.) His throat tightened again as the reality of it slammed into him like a wrecking ball. You’re a father now Touya. He wanted to throw up but he swallowed it down. Be a man, be a man for her. “I’m gonna continue to do better..for the both of you.”

You didn’t respond right away, and the silence that followed felt deafening. He had to fill it up he didn’t want to lose you. “You don’t have to let me back into your life not if you don’t want to. And that’s fine I just..I just want to help you.”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝

Part 1 done yippe! I’m so happy I got this done and didn’t let it rot in my drafts for months. Please please please leave feedback even an emoji something that’ll keep me motivated.

٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´- (I’m so serious leave something 🤬)