Actually Traumatized - Blog Posts

Finally redrew one of my favorite older ocs💚💚💚 my radioactive traumatized baby Renea!! i made her in for a science project in the 8th grade and she spiralled into a whole X-men/BNHA type universe with over 140 ocs😃 little me went crazy

flashback to when little Bee was lazy and didnt even try to give her black hair🙃

IF YOU HIT YOUR KIDS YOU ARE A MONSTER AND I AUTOMATICALLY DONT TRUST YOU.

END OF STORY.

DONT HIT YOUR FUCKING KIDS. IT HARMS THEM IN THE LONG RUN, GO FUCKING RESEARCH IT.

Endos who claim to want things to be different for them but freak out when they encounter a system with system experiences 💀

We are NOT splitting a guy about it

Putting this here in case Forest decides to spy what i have to say again

Do not do any of the stuff i talk about guys

Pretending to be tougher than you really are won't shield you from the lack of love and affection you experience pretending you don't need it btw.

Grieving the man i could've easily been if only my brain would've developped normally<<<<<

You know what makes me more enraged about this? He kept acting like i was talking about it as if having alters is some funny shit when i hate these fuckers. I want them dead. I'm being so serious when i say if there was a way to detach them from my brain i'll just instantly kill them. I'm suffering here i'm not here for the shits and giggles. Fuck you

I seriously need endos to fuck the hell off, what i go through daily isn't fun quirky little game you can decide to play, it is a fucking trauma response and i actually have to waste tons of my energy not to cause any more unreversible damage to the other alters. Having other people in your head isn't fucking funny, they're not just "friends you can have inside jokes with". It's tiring. It's debilitating. It's not knowing what will happen when you're not in front. Is having the others getting potentially exposed to danger and being unable to do anything to protect yourself and/or the body. It's others hating you for doing exactly what you were formed to do. The shame, the guilt, the self hate you constantly have to carry around that came after years and years of terrible trauma. It can sometimes be fun but the main point is it's a fucking disorder. I can't stand you guys fucking de-medicalising it so that you can enjoy a fake ass romanticised version of it. I hope my traumas hit you all at once. I hope you split a pre self-consciousness me. I wish all the worst to y'all

Call out to my *unhealthy and worse than my actual problems* coping mechanism! It's mental breakdown time again

You know that thing with a ball in a jar, where the ball represents grief and the jar represents you? And while the ball doesn't change, the jar gets bigger, representing that grief doesn't get less, it's just that you grow bigger. When I got first introduced to that concept, it seemed ridiculous. But since then... I know that it's true. There's certain things in my life, if I actively think about them, they get me just as mad and worked up as if they happened yesterday. However, they don't occupy my mind 24/7 anymore, like they did when they did happen recently. And I think that's exactly what they mean with the ball in a jar analogy. And I suppose that's better than nothing.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so resentful, that I wasn't so hateful at times. Hatred does consume your soul in a way. But I can't help it. And for the love of God sometimes I wish people would just understand that.

Like all throughout places like special ed school, or even support groups, I would get bullied relentlessly by people who were neurodivergent or had a mental illness of some kind, and I'd get told "they can't help what they do, just ignore it" or "be nice to them regardless, they already have it hard as is", but I, with the same neurodivergenies and mental illnesses, never get afforded the same treatment. Why don't I get treated like that when my mental illness or trauma makes me say some fucked up shit? Or have violent thoughts? Or have outburts?

Even here on tumblr all I hear is "support people who get angry or violent from mental illness" and stuff like that, but the exact same story. They say something genuinely hurtful, they get defended because they "can't help it", but when I have an episode, I get degraded even further.

Just fuck all the way off. I get it. I fucking get it. I'm the unwanted here. Everybody else is more important than me. But you don't have to be mean about it, and at the very least, don't degrade me for something you defend or even praise others for.

"it will get better"

"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.

"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.

"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.

"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.

"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.

"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.

"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.

It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.

on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?

I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.