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Draining - Blog Posts
CRIMSON FUR
TW: Bl00d, D3ath, Gore description
There I saw it. The most magnificent creature of all. Antlers as big as the sky, reaching the leafs on the highest of the trees.
At first it started as a simple admiration. I'd follow it through the biggest of forests. I didn't know who she was, yet I followed, and I trusted her knowing I wouldn't get lost in the forests I've never roamed through before.
Oh, she was amazing. I didn't know why. I didn't know much about her. But I learned, slowly, steadily.
Soon after I reached her. I made my presence be known. She was so mesmerizing. I instantly wrapped my arms around her long beautiful neck. Her fur gave my skin the warmth I always craved. I clinged harder and harder.
I couldn't let go. How could I? After finding this fulfilling feeling, why would I ever let go off of her?
She said it was her time to go and as much as I understood I think it was time for me to put myself first. I climbed onto her back, entangled with her brown fur and beautiful antlers. I laid down and there it was.
Peace, relaxation. I've found what I've been searching for my whole life. Someone to take care of, someone to love, someone to admire.
I was bursting with feelings, so many of them. She's my dream, something I've always wanted to have, and I'll make sure I have.
With days passing she continued her usual routine, only now I was with her every step.
I occasionally sang to her, told her how amazing she is. Whenever she'd feel sad I'd make sure to wrap my hand around her neck and comfort her as best as I could.
She was so, so broken, something I haven't seen before but I didn't mind. It made me feel thrilled honestly. Finally a way to show her my undying love, somehow I can make her feel loved and not alone. I was good at this and I wanted to show her, to make her feel better.
Oh, how I loved my antlered doe. She was unique, so different from every other deer I've met. With each day her differences translated to different signs.
I've noticed her steps getting weaker and weaker. Her antlers dragging the ground behind her. Was my love not enough? Why was she feeling like this? I thought I was good at this. I thought I could make her feel better. I clinged even harder.
No matter how much I tried, I could feel her slipping away until one day she knelt down and fell to the ground. I instantly went around her neck. Instead of crying I giggled. I don't know why. I didn't want both of us to be vulnerable and sad.
I hugged her tighter. I hugged her so hard. She was everything I've ever wanted. She's the one for me. My soulmate. My everything.
My thoughts corrupted me. I couldn't see clearly. I could just feel the passion and love burning my chest alive. I didn't realize that I was the one hurting her.
I squeezed tighter and tighter. My nails dug deeper into her skin without my realization. I just wanted her to feel my love. I wanted to carve my love into her beautiful fur and skin. My grip didn't stop there. I kept digging, hugging her tighter. I could hear her silent cries, maybe a sign that she's finally getting it. I didn't understand her. We didn't speak the same language. My hands dug deeper. Slowly trying to retrace them back to me I forgot to let go. I couldn't take it anymore. I tore her apart. Her chest. Her neck. I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't stop the burning in my chest. I couldn't help but tear her apart. More and more.
She didn't move. She endured it all. Why? We don't even know each other. All I've known is the feeling in my chest.
She let out her final breath.
The view in front of me was saddening and thrilling. Remains of my love all over my hands, stained red. I stood frozen, realization sinking in. She wasn't breathing. Someone so full of life, was missing that fact about themselves. Seeing her like this, I should have left. But her presence pulled me in even more. My mind executed any thoughts of leaving. The view in front of me was oddly beautiful, the way her eyes were opened, mouth slightly apart as the crimson trail of my love decorated her brown fur. I knelt beside her and leaned onto her now cold corpse. The warmth that once hugged me was replaced by the coldness of my raging love that has just begun.
Once
Just for once, let me be selfish for myself.
Let me focus on my goals, my needs, and my life in all
Why do I have to keep worrying about everyone
And putting myself on the back burner
Why? Because I'm supposed to care for others first?
In the midst of taking care of your mental and emotional wellbeing,
taking care of drama and arguments that has nothing to do with me
moping after their dirt and cleaning up the trash
Just so it sorts out well for them to be happy
Who's going to sort out mine?
Should I have kids myself, so I can dump my problems on them,
Do I always have to walk on eggshells around you all
Why should I let go of my dreams to fulfill yours?
Being kind and empathetic for others drains me
I hate interactions and socializing with people now.
Existing seems like a chore to me than a gift
So, please just for once let me focus on myself
My mental and emotional wellbeing needs care too
I'm not asking you to care for me,
I'm asking you to let go of your hold against me
I'm a human too
I have needs and dreams too
I also want to be healthy in mind and body too
I deserve happiness too,
Please don't cage me in anymore.
- By Adia