Read, reblog, and resonate!
Well it's 6:21am and I'm still up... ever feel as if you're just wasting your life away? like your waiting for that one person to just come into your life that will make it something again, get you off your bed, make you feel something again... I wonder where that person is for me sometimes... I sit in my room day after day sleeping my whole day away never seeing sunlight very much anymore only the very few seconds I get when I pop my sleeping in the morning the sun jumps through my window crack. other than that I just don't see it, I try to think that maybe I'll actually get up and do something beautiful with my life but honestly I just don't have the energy for that stuff right now. all my friends moved away or just didn't talk to me anymore. I only have the ones on my phone but who wants to stare at a screen all the time you know. I forgot how to even make friends like how do I put effort to put myself out there when none wants to even get to know me? I just don't really attract people I guess... anyway I'm off to bed now. see ya on the flipside!!!
I woke up today thinking that it was going to be a good day, time passes so slowly when you are in your room blocked away from the outside world for so long. I haven't gone to work in about a month and a half not that I don't want want to go back, I just don't think I can without her help. cleaning room's alone just won't be the same without her help, she's been in the hospital just as long as I've been out of work. she seems to be getting better but I think she's just hiding the truth from me bec she doesn't think I can handle it and the truth is I probably can't handle it. I miss her so much... I just want her to come home and be with me and my sister again like things used to be but nothing will be the same now. the scary part is that I might only have about 5 years left with her till her sickness takes her from us all... I try to think about it, it's not worth the stress to live in it. I try to just live as much as I can with her while we still have her. time is not something she has much of but the time we spend together. why does he have to take her so soon from us??!!??
Man, do I have a story to tell you guys! I'll prob be posting it in parts bec it's still ongoing but I'm writing out the beginning. I keep telling myself I should have blogged about it when it first started happening but my I have to work with my sister to get it all from the beginning bec I have a really bad memory that's why most of my blog post is really how I'm feeling in that moment and they're very raw. anyways I'll be blogging about this girl very soon, should be some time starting around next week. Maybe Monday? I'm not sure, yet...
Man, do I have stuff to catch you up on!! There has been so much happening lately.
I'll be posting ALOT soon so make sure you keep up đź–¤
It's 5:49am and I went through a nether bipolar episode I'm so sad that I'm in this bed all alone with none to catch me when I fall. Time goes by while everyone has someone and I have none....I always used to think you and my sister would be alone and I'd be the happy one but who was I kidding I'm not that lucky...
dark filled night skys, red filled moring sunrise.
@thesadboisclub
I light my smoke, you forget are book. A story I started, which you decide to end. Time only moves slow when the smoke slips through your fingers in the bed next to me.🖤💀
So I had this really weird ss dream last night, I was in the Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit movie, of course, I was Gromit cuz who else would I be... but I was in the movie, and instead of catching rabbits and vacuuming them up I found Wallace in the back garden room with the were-rabbit and he was feeding GOD DAMN GIRLS TO HIM like WTFFFF I then proceeded to roll my eyes and walk away from him thinking to myself that the rabbit is only going to grow up with a bad temper cuz he was only eating girls like where were the guys in this. did Wallace not feed him guys cuz he didn't want the rabbit to one day turn on him or was it bec the rabbit was sexist??? well that's a question only the people that make my insane wild dreams would know XDDÂ
If you would like me to type out my dreams more on my blog let me know cuz I have some really crazy fucked up ones. just repost and like this post to let me know if you are interested :)
I know. I know it's been a long time since I posted prob only been about a week or two but for me, it feels like years. I just wanted to clear my head and come on here and vent some shit out. you ever just sit in your room at night in the dark. FYI that is NOT what I am doing right now I am on my computer in the dark in my room XD but that is not what I'm trying to get at. now do you ever just sit there and think YES ENTHEO EVERYONE THINKS" thank's inner voice, anyways you're just thinking, and then that one thought comes into your head "I'm going to get arrested!!" did I do anything wrong no! did I steal anything NO! okay now though you may leave. but does it no... then you start thinking even more and you like back when I was 5 I stole gum that was like 50c now I'm going to damn jail and I'm never going to have a family or kids MY LIFE IS OOOVVVEEERR!!!!.... then you snap back to reality and you just are like what was I thinking about again...
Well. Today is a boring day, nothing to do, nowhere to go. just a nether day in covid.... what a boring fucking day man..
I’m sorry, it’s been so long. since i last wrote to you but i had to take time to myself and just focuse on the me in the now. but now i’m back and i’m off to walmart, to get some food. i’m also going to see my bestfriend today!!!! cuz she got me a gift for me and my sisiter. i wounder what it is, cuz lastnight she sent me a pic of a penis cookie. as funny as it would be i hope that’s not the gift XD cuz i want more of a superise you know. well till tonight. gtg byeeee....
“I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of.”
— Terry Pratchett
Sometimes i wonder what i bring to the table, will it be enough for the ones i love. you know i’ve been alone i have truly forgot what love even feels like, it’s just a weird night tonight. why did my ex text me? why have people from my past all been talking to me after a year they have been super quite. i don’t inderstand it...... oh!!Â
P.S. Goodnight<3 i’ll type more tomorrowÂ
Well, today went to shit, I had a long car ride and then I got home and found out that my best friend stole my credit card and used it to buy someone that's 172$ I know that doesn't sound like a lot but when you broke asf and only have about 100$ to your name and your credit card is already at 400$ from trying to pay it off for 8 months after losing your job. it's alot of fucking money... so now I'm 900$ in the whole and I am just still a broke as bitch YAAAY ME!!!!
It will be time for bed when the cigarette hits the floor
TheSadBoisClub
Well, today was actually a great day. Man was I tired when I got up this morning, but I didn't let that stop me from going out today. I got up put my hair up and put on some makeup and left out the front door. Off I went to store after store. The sun felt so good on my skin!!. OOOHH!!! you guys might or might not be happy to hear that Mexico is going to come home soon!!! so he says, I believe it when I see it XD but other than that today was a really great day. I loved it!!
This shit messes with my head The only home I know is my bed Too lazy for suicide I just watch the days pass hoping to die
I started my day with my mom waking me up like every other day with her whimpering "are up getting up today" and like always I said, "yes just give me a sec" but today I feel a bit better than yesterday. I started this new movie on Netflix not long ago, it's like 2h long. I'll let you guys know how it is, haha. I say that like people actually read this blog..... anyways uhh the movie is called Space Sweepers it's this Korean sci-fi movie. it looks pretty good and I love a good sci-fi movie, I'm really into the whole cyberpunk style tbh I love it so much the city's in those kinds of movies are fucking AMAZING tbh I wish I could live there honestly!!! but I don't know if the world will ever get to that when I'm living but till then I guess I'll just have to wait and see...
My b-day is next week HAHA who would have guessed that I would still be here to see my 21st b-day cuz I sure and hell didn't. this is probably the part when I drift off into some random thought that pops up in my head. like it smells like chocolate in my room. I don't even have any air fresheners in here strange. sometimes I struggle to write things down on this blog and I think it shows sometimes. but sometimes I don't want to write but nothing comes out at all, so I just mash a bunch of random thoughts in my head into one paragraph.
I'm bipolar, that's right the endless days of up's and down's, today and the past week now have all been downers. I mean, I pop my pills and stay alone because that's where I'm comfortable. I try and not think about it but sometimes it's all that goes through my mind the thought of always being alone with none to hold or to be here for me. I have texas and my friend but calling then is just not the same so actually having someone here with me to just fuck up the night together. you know sometimes I think about ripping my leg open again but am I going to maybe not cuz I'm in my right mind now but there is always that thought in my head that's like "you know you want to, come on, do it, just once!!" but if I start I won't be able to stop. it's almost like cocaine. just one line they say or just one more cigarette they say then 1 line become 5 and that becomes 10 then the next thing you know your whole leg is filled with lines. I miss the way I used to feel when I was 13 years old. whatever happened to the little boi where did he go????
Tonight is a weird night for me. I had a great night last night talking to texas till he went to bed, but still nothing from Mexico... I hope he's okay. back to what I was going to talk about. where do people go when we die? cause last night I was trying to fall asleep and as I was drifting off I thought to myself what if I have a heart attack tonight in my sleep. where would I go? would I just think I woke up in the morning and I just fell asleep or would it just start all over again from the begging? like a being FUCK YOU! try again... wait, one second!! what if when we fall asleep every night and die and when we wake up we come back to life but then there is that one night we drift off and don't wake up. and then billy in the corner will be like "well damn, he sure in hell hit that damn coffin hard" then the nurse will come over and say "billy get back to your room NOW!!" she's yelling because she's stressed about the dead body just laying on the bed. then billy will walk up to her and say "Debbie I'm already in my room" and of course Debbie will say some stupid shit like "fine just go for a shit then" and she'll storm out of the room stressed out and walk to the corner of the building outside and walk to her secret smoke stash under the birdhouse.
I'm spending V-day with my friends online watching a show but something about, still being alone in my room is just so sad...
I wish I could hold "Mexico" in my arms I miss him so much:..(
sometimes I wonder if he's moved on without me in Mexico but just doesn't have the balls to tell me. And he's kinda just stringing me along. But and the same time I'd rather just not know... since his b-day and his scop sign is the same as mine. I know how he acts cuz we are the same person, but then if I were him all alone for so long I don't know if I could hold on to someone for so long without being with them in person but then if I look at it this way and wait it out till the day we do see each other we will be soo damn happy :) just thinking of that day makes me want to cry...
I woke up today at 4 pm and I didn’t feel sad for once I just feel what I think is “happiness” It such I weird feeling to me but I wonder if this year will be my year to finally spread my wings and fly. I might go on a walk tomorrow it’s supposed to be a nice day out tomorrow so I might as well enjoy some fresh air. I think I’m going to open my window after have it closed for 8 months now...:)
it’s time is driff off into a dark slumber agian...
tonight is coming to an end but before i go i want to just say some time i think i’m in a coma in some hospitle waiting to wake up one day and this is all just a big dream i’m in...
I miss the day’s drinking with my bestfriend...
I have this smoking habit that I'm trying to stop, but then I don't know why I'd stop when we're all going to die one day. do I have to stop because I want a few long years to live or should I stop because I want to be old enough to see my grandchildren? then comes the question will I ever have grandchildren? I'm single right now, correction I have "someone" but I don't know how long it's going to last cause it a long-distance R-ship and everyone knows how they tend to go. My longest one was I think a year long. I know this is going to sound bad to me. but don't judge till you know the whole story boys and girls. but I have this boy I started seeing before covid and I was already in my online R-ship but this guy was here in my home town and he knew I had the online boyfriend but I am yet to tell my online boyfriend about him, not because I don't want him knowing I just don't know how he's going to act knowing I have 2 boyfriends and NO I'M NOT A PLAYER.....I'm just poly and my online boyfriend knows I am. but now the boy that lived close to me. went home to Mexico for x-mas and he has not come back, I talk to him everyday. he told me he'd be back at the beginning of Jan but now it's the middle of Feb and I have two online R-ships and I'm left cold and alone in bed at night in the....dark...with my panic attacks...and my nightmares...to suffer all alone...in a cold beddd.
Why do I feel like your going? but are you still with me...it’s like you have left me.
You used to be with me when I was 13 but then I got older and you slowly just ended you fading away from me. Times got too hard for you, I guess. Was that the case tho? for are you still here with me. Do you still live in the dark? when will you find the light again... and make me feel the same way you used to? will it ever come back or is it gone forever!!! I guess I’ll just have to wait.
It’s a lonely world, everybody tries to hide.Â
Behind there dark blue eyes, behind those broken lies.
Did it really hurt, when you left me in the dirt.
The sky is crying, as the thoughts of you are sighing.
Boy the last string to tie was to say goodbye.
I tend to stick in your head, like the last homeless cat you fed.
You're like the beat of broken jazz.
You used to hit strings, in my heart like sweet smooth jazz sings.
In those steam filled showers, passing by those arousing seductive hours.
I found myself face down, trying to pick up my crown.
As you undid my lace, I tried to replace.
All the broken dreams i had to face.
They brought me to a place, where time can’t bring a trace. Of peace back to me.
How am i going to find a way to cope, when i can’t even wash the scars with that bloody red bar of soap.
In the dark, of a lonely park.
Passing the time away, but i only find myself fading away.
Through the wind I've sinned and through the sky I'll fly.
Say goodbye as we dance with the devil tonight.
Give up the fight, we gave it a good try.
Broken and beaten. To nothing we shall remain.
And that will be the end of my pain.
-TheSadBoisClub