Latest Posts by spagetti-without-h - Page 13

INTERNATIONAL HOLIDAY BTW

[stray! au] the cat and the bat but they're gay

they should hold 4 versions of every olympic event in this order to witness the full breadth of human capabilities:

primary schoolers

random nonathletic adults

olympians

olympians roided and doped up to the max

okay i'm not all that interested in dc ships, but for those of you who like jayroy can i just say that im pretty sure roy would actually have the time of his life telling dick about them. like, that right there? thats an argument winner.

Dick: i can't believe you *blah blah blah*

Roy: yeah well im fucking ur little brother

Dick: *ewwww ew ew ewwwww*

I hope nobody else has done this yet 🙏

Tim: You want to know a secret?

Jason, still texting: not really.

Tim: I don't really have a coffee addiction.

Jason: What? Tim: I just pretend to drink a lot of coffee, so when Bruce says "no more coffee," I don't have to stop drinking energy drinks Jason: You're lying. I see you with one of those stupid Batburger coffee cups like every day. Tim: There's no coffee in that. Tim: It's just red bull man. Jason: Why would you tell me this? Tim: Because no one will believe you.

She has my whole heart.

batfam meets the JL but it’s just the bat kids breaking into the watch tower during a debriefing or meeting to ask bruce the most mundane questions. they go about it like they’re interns that need to speak to the CEO during a board meeting. they walk over waving their hands and mouthing “i’m so sorry just need to ask batman something 😬” and then they lean over to bruce and ask something like “alfred wants to know if you’re gonna be home for dinner” and then they dip.

one of them started this when bruce didn’t answer their texts (it was probably tim or something) and now everyone does it.

One of the first meetings

I made a thing….

Damian & Duke Bonding? There are not enough of those in the world. Maybe this planet would be a better place if there was.

Duke: I'm heading out.

Bruce: Where?

Duke: Just hanging out at the museum with my friends.

Bruce: Good, then you can take Damian.

Duke: What? Why?

Damian: I have a paper due on Friday.

Duke: Ugh, fine.

Bruce: And remember, Duke, you're older so it's your responsibility to keep him safe.

Duke: Whatever.

[at the museum entrance]

Duke: You know the deal. Just stay out of my way.

Damian: Not to worry, I don't need anyone to supervise me.

Damian: *snatches his ticket and walks away*

Duke: That's a relief.

[dinosaur exhibit]

Duke: ...Yeah, then the principal said—

Duke: *sees Damian climbing a T-Rex skeleton*

Duke: Hey, look over there!

His friends: *look the other way*

Duke: *flips over the dinosaur and grabs Damian*

Duke: *puts Damian down and runs back to his friends*

Duke: Whoops, thought I saw something. Guess I was mistaken.

[solar system exhibit]

Dre, snickering: Uranus. Get it?

Riko: Oh yeah. Hilarious.

Duke: *sees Damian dangling upside-down from a planet on the ceiling*

Duke: I'm getting a phone call, one sec.

Duke: *grabs a ladder and meets Damian*

Damian: Can I help you?

Duke: *sighs and slings Damian over his shoulder*

[biodiversity exhibit]

Izzy: ...So I told my brother that, but still...

Damian: *leans over a railing*

Duke: *slips away and pulls Damian back before he falls*

Duke: You're lucky that shark's not real.

Duke: *goes back to his friends*

Damian: I would have simply adopted it.

[engineering exhibit]

Dax: Guys, check it out.

Dax: *launches a baseball catapult*

Duke: *catches the ball before it hits Damian*

[bathrooms]

Duke: *leaves the bathroom*

Duke: *sees Damian entering an exhibit under construction*

Duke: This kid just can't quit.

Duke: *tackles Damian away from a falling beam*

Duke, annoyed: You're welcome.

Damian: Tt.

[food court]

Duke: I'll take a ham sandwich and a cookie.

Steph, the cashier: Here you go.

Duke: *sits down by his friends*

Steph: Next!

Damian: I will have a vegan burger, apple juice, and cookie.

Steph: Sorry, kiddo, we just sold our last cookie.

Damian, disappointed: Oh, alright. I'll just take the burger and juice.

Duke, to his friends: I'll be right back.

Duke: *hands Damian the cookie*

Duke: How's the paper coming?

Damian: I believe I've gathered what I needed.

Duke, ruffling Damian's hair: Cool, just stay out of any more trouble.

Damian: Tt.

Duke: *goes back to his table*

Damian: *pulls out his notebook*

Damian, writing: Of the many things at the Gotham Museum, the one that stood out the most is my big brother...

art collab with @ai-das-ei

damian lineart and tim rendering by @ai-das-ei

tim lineart and damian rendering by me

lineart under cut:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/48494359

this edit took me 15 minutes cause i kept stopping to laugh hysterically at it

Behold, the middle-aged Chinese protagonist whose gender occasionally changes depending on portrayal who we can all relate to and project on

made a thing to help convince my friends and family to join me in the LMK hole EDIT: If you're convinced by this and are wondering where to watch it, DM me, I have my ways ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

How Bruce gets his kids ready to fight-

Bruce: alright everyone circle up

JL: ????

Batman: nightwing… do you want to do the honor

Nightwing: *tears up* yes.

Nightwing: *deep breath* you gotta, gotta, get your head in the game

Batkids: you gotta getcha getcha getcha getcha head in the game

Nightwing: you gotta, gotta, get your head in the game

Batkids: you gotta getcha getcha getcha getcha head in the game

Nightwing: YOU GOTTA, GOTTA GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

Batkids: YOU GOTTA GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME

JL: *concerned*

~

Batman: alright hands in, save the world on three. One two three,

Batkids: SAVE THE WORLD

JL: what the fu-

~

Batman: never back down never what?

Batkids: never give up!

Batman: NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER WHAT

Batkids: NEVER GIVE UP

JL: okay they’re seriously scaring us now-

bruce wayne becoming nightwing reminds me of those mums that are like 'im sooo skinny, i can fit into my preteen daughter's clothes!!!' but like. with vigilante personas

This monkey man is tested constantly.

——————————————————————-

Twitter+Twitch

how it feels to interact with any peaches or peach flavored/scented/themed objects after getting into monkie kid/jttw

a bro's day in the batfam be like

time travel fanfic idea where Jason comes back to before he was adopted, him and Batman still meet and he still ends up being adopted by Bruce Wayne, but he just refuses to acknowledge Batman and Robin, he acts like a civilian boy, he has over thirteen extracurriculars that Bruce does his best to keep up with. He regularly works out and trains all the fighting he's learned over the years, he goes on a gap year before college to recuperate the all blades and pretends to be the civilian in a family of crime fighting vigilantes.

He's doing pre-med and keeps nagging his siblings to go to college too (Cass, Tim), Duke is the one who spends more time with him bc everyone else is nocturnal and sleep through the day, but Jason likes to drive Duke to his classes and pick him up so they can have lunch together, Damian had a hard time at first, because Jason speaks every language that he speaks and all bat related things have to stay at the cave, his league training didn't prepare him for a civilian brother.

During an attempted kidnapping during one of the Wayne galas, Jason's whole plan almost gets blow up because one of the guys has taken a woman hostage and his Red Hood fried brain just pounced on the dude with all his might, wrestled him for the gun and kept him stuck under his boot with the gun pointed between the guys brows.

He had to pretend to be scared when Batman came to the rescue and act like he didn't know how to handle a gun.

+ Alfred 100% thinks Jason was on a children gang and that's why he's so good with knives, guns and rifles, but who's he to say anything about people's past

Wingman & Redbird

batfam in a nutshell

when your crime lord son has glow in the dark eyes

Okay but bruce is 100% the type of dad who treats his kids like an adult because he doesn't know how to handle kids so he treats them the way he treats adults except, y'know, after dick he learns a little and is also soft and gentle with them and learns how to treat kids, but for the most part bruce is a gentle parent, listening to all of their problems, believing the things they say without a seconds hesitation (until of course he learns them well enough to tell a lie from a truth) but just like- imagine how much of a mind fuck that must have been for his kids

Dick- newly orphaned, and instead of being treated the way most adults are treating him, here is bruce, who understands, and treats him normally. He treats him with sorrow of course, but he also acts like dick is an adult, like he knows that dick can handle things after his parents death

Jason- who was beaten by his father for ‘telling lies’ is now believed automatically by bruce, no matter how outlandish it is(because they live in Gotham so everything is outlandish)

Tim- who was ignored by his parents and told to shut up when he spoke is now waited on, listened to, comforted

Cass- who had her vocal cords ripped out and broken- bruce learns sign language for her, touches her gently, offers quiet words of support and always allows her to read his body language

Damian- silenced by older assassins who know better, every member of the family stops and listens when he speaks, lets him finish what he needs to say, trusts his words without doubt- no punishments dealt out for being wrong

Cassandra Cain is the biggest fucking Daddys Girl in the world, she is the only one, besides Dick Grayson, who understands the things Bruce says and does as caring and wanting to bond or be a better father instead of thinking hes being overbearing or annoying (even tho he is being annoying but she recognizes he loves her/all of them and just wants to protect them and doesnt think theyre unworthy by doing it) She is an unapologetic Batman fan and constantly wears his merch and rants (in sign language or otherwise) about how amazing he is and how good a person he is and how Gotham is better off with him than without and Bruce panics and is like "cass baby girl i love you but please stop posting seven page long essays about how much you love me, someone might find out i am batman" but Cass never listens because she just loves her dad so much and no one can take that from her and shes the one who smacks jason upside the head when he goes on rants about B and shes the one who holds damians hand and whispers translations in his ear when bruce is going on an angry, panic induced rant after he disapeared for three days and bruce was worried god damn it not pissed off that robin didnt go on patrol and yeah. just good daughter cassandra cain, the biggest fucking batman/bruce wayne fangirl in the world with her good dad bruce wayne.

So my Batfamily brain rot is back (not that it ever really left) and I just had a thought like…

If you’re a henchman/criminal in Gotham, seeing your life flash past your eyes is gonna be a somewhat regular occurance but… what if like… the thing that truly made a henchman’s heart fall to his ass was when they hit Robin just a little too hard and this 10 year old kid just starts crying and goes ‘Daaaaaadddd!’

That’s the moment when they truly think they’re going to die because said dad, the kid is calling for is a 6’6 demon from hell who’s all muscle and shadows and vengance and a lot of Gotham still thinks he’s a cryptid

The henchmen all drop their guns and try to calm the kid down but it’s over in 5 seconds flat. Batman breaks several bones before speaking to Robin in the softest voice they’ve ever heard him use and the criminal world, who was already a bit hesitant to fight a kid have even more reason to take it just a little easy on Robin.

And like, I can picture different reactions with every Robin.

Like, for Dick, he’s ten and we all know he was the most violent Robin second only to Damian so maybe when he’s ten or eleven and has calmed down a little, a henchback who still remembers what a little shit he used to be decides to get back at Robin, slips on a pair of brass knuckles and BAM

And then, little Dick just stares for a moment in shock, cheek already starting to bruise, the criminals he’d been fighting all stay still because it was a nasty punch and then…

“Daaaaad!!!” He cries out in a whiny voice that reminds them that Robin really is just a kid and it all clicks into place.

Even Bruce wasn’t expecting that, Dick has just started calling him dad and he still isn’t used to being called that so to hear his kid calling for him in the moment where he is startled and hurt and a little scared… the henchmen don’t even have time to react and they wake up in the hospital with concussions and maybe a few broken bones.

It doesn’t take Dick long to calm down, it was mostly that the hit from a random henchmen really startled him and got him right in the cheekbone. But Bruce still finishes patrol early and Dick still hides under Bruce’s cape all the way to the Batmobile.

Then comes Jason and Jason was such a sweet kid, I headcannon he was the one that called Bruce dad the most often while being Robin. So one night during patrol maybe he finds himself fighting Penguin or Two-Face and it’s been a long night and he has an exam the following day and Bruce is fighting another villain at the other side of the warehouse

The point is, the henchmen and Two-Face start landing hits on eleven year old Jason in his gut and at some point he loses sight of Batman fighting on the other side of the room. Jason gets scared because he’s never really fought without Batman and while he knows that Bruce is still in the warehouse, he can’t see him and the handle of a gun hits the back of his ankle and he falls and he sees Two-Face or Penguin or one of the henchmen getting ready to grab the front of his uniform and beat him up and…

“Daaaaddd!”

The criminals freeze for a moment. They’ve heard the stories of what happened the last time a Robin called scared for dad.

They’re fucked.

They all drop their guns and try to get Jason to calm down, but he’s crying just a little bit and calls again, his voice breaking and despite having been at the other side of the warehouse just a second ago, Bruce somehow drops from the ceiling and it’s over before the criminals can keep pleading with Robin to calm down.

Jason tries to apologize for ‘acting like a baby’ but Bruce is having none of it and carries him back to the Batmobile and Jason is happy to just hide his face in Bruce’s cape because he knows his dad will always be there to save him.

Then comes Tim.

And Tim gets found out while doing reconnisance and somehow he finds himself face to face with Bane who manages to wrench away his bo staff and Tim is just eleven and he is scared because Bane doesn’t look like he’s going to hold back

All Tim knows is that the crack he hears must surely be his ribs either cracking or breaking and he can’t breath and he can only muster enough air for a single word… and he calls for his dad through tears and fear

And at this point… at this point Batman has already lost a Robin, Tim may not be his legally but he is his son just as much as Jason was

Bane spends a month in the ICU

Tim is embarrased that he reacted like that. He thinks it makes him less of a Robin to called scared for Batman… for dad.

So Bruce tells him of the other two times it happened. It’s one of the first times he’s spoken about Jason to Tim so bluntly.

Then comes Stephanie.

Stephanie never calls Bruce dad when she’s Robin. She’s not his daughter and he’s not her dad. They’re not sure what exactly they are to one another.

As far as Bruce knows, Stephanie’s version of Robin never called out to him when she was scared.

What he doesn’t know is that it did happen. Just once

It was the last time she was Robin. When Black Mask had her and she thought she was going to die

At some point while bleeding and feeling nauseous and so scared she could barely hear anything that wasn’t her own heart beating wildly against her chest… she called for dad. Not for Arthur Brown, but for Bruce

Black Mask laughed at her

Stephanie never tells Bruce

And finally… Damian

Now, we know Damian would probably never be startled enough to call for Bruce out of instinct, so I can see 2 scenarios in which this could happen.

First, he sees another kid do it. He sees a kid close to his own age laughing and playing, then tripping and staying quiet for a split second before crying out for mom and dad and he just… assumes that’s something kids do when scared and hurt and startled and does it mostly in an attempt to be a little more ‘normal’

Or, my favorite scenario… he hears of the other times it has happened. He overhears maybe Dick remind Jason of what Bruce did when Jason called out to dad as Robin. Tim maybe jokes that a Robin calling for dad is still the villains’ greatest fear

So Damian stores that knowledge away as a battle strategy just in case he ever needs it… and maybe a small part of him wants to put it to the test, to see if his father would protect him as brutally as he’s protected the Robins before him

So some random night during patrol, he’s up against several henchmen, a few of them grab him from behind, trying to hold him down. Damian is fighting against them when one of them swings a cylinder of metal that Damian thinks might’ve been meant for the plumbing and…

The henchman breaks Damian’s nose, there’s blood dripping down his chin and staining his uniform

Now… it is most certainly not the first time he’s broken something, he’s more than used to the pain, in fact, he barely feels it. However, it gives him a chance to put his little theory to the test

And so Damian allows himself to sound like the ten year old that he is and in a whiny, teary voice, goes… “Babaaaaa!” (Bonus points if it’s the first or second time he’s called Bruce baba instead of father)

What Damian didn’t take into account though, is that Batman and Robin aren’t the only ones on patrol that night. They made a big bust. The biggest part of the operation was over but they were still fighting a few stragglers. The whole fucking family is here.

And they all hear his cry.

Damian doesn’t think he’s ever seen a fight end so quickly. The henchmen only have a split-second of surprise before vanishing, being tackled or shot or having knives buried on their shoulders by his siblings.

The one that actually broke Damian’s nose is being beaten up by Nightwing, Damian doesn’t think he’s ever seen Grayson so angry.

A shadow kneels in front of him, father. Baba. He’s checking Damian and Todd is right at his side, both speaking in hushed tones, checking his injuries and wiping the tears that usually came with a broken nose.

And now… Damian is used to his father and Grayson treating him like a child, trying to be as soft as they can with him. Even Cain does it to some extent.

But… having Drake wrap an arm around him, calling him baby when knocking out one of the criminals that had hurt him ‘that’s my fucking baby brother!’ and continue to hold him later into the night on the couch, having Brown willingly give up all the snacks she keeps in her utility belt and promise to take him to Batburger the following day for milkshakes because he was ‘a champ’. And Thomas wraps his favorite blanket around Damian while they’re fixing him up.

Todd decides to stay the night at the manor. Which he never does. They all decide to spend the night at the manor when Damian still sniffles on the Batmobile and they have breakfast all of them together. Which Damian isn’t sure has ever happened before and Cain gets Alfred to make pancakes with chocolate chips instead of blueberries.

They call him baby in hushed whispers but for once, it doesn’t bother him even though it really should

But most of all, Bruce refuses to let him go for a good five minutes after he first cries for him. Smoothing down his hair and whispering that it’ll be okay and just being soft in a way Damian has never seen before.

He sleeps between his Baba and Grayson and he knows that Todd and Drake and Cain check in on them at least twice in the night for some reason.

And he realizes it’s… it’s nice. Maybe this really could be an effective battle strategy to be employed again someday.