Sherilikescake - Corrupted

I love her so much. She is the only one who can make me feel anything anymore. I am dead without her. My only wish is for her to pay attention to me.

Tw: unhinged break down and vent with mentions of suicide

I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. There was a situation with a friend which was a bit difficult. I felt like I wanted to help, but I was unable to. Now onto a different topic: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It is strange that that that that's djjkcodbns ytsbat I cannot CANNOT I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS! My mind is a mess, everything is unclear…I just want to prove to myself that I am wanted here in this world, but I do not know if I really am wanted. Even if I am NO NO NO, I won't say that! I am freaking out, I heard voices in my head a few weeks ago and I had to take new meds. It was terrifying and annoying, there was screaming and squealing as well and it felt like my mind was streaming like a waterfall. I am on sick leave until May, so don't expect to see me in school. Yk what, I will be honest. Every Time I have one of these squishes (which are the desire for queer platonic relationships). I have felt this for around 5 people so far and all of them were extremely far and unavailable. One was an online friend who ended up telling me to kms for defending furries, another was someone in our school who was probably the worst person imaginable to have a squish on, another was an online friend who literally admitted to being a sociopath and I still continued being close with the person, then there was someone else who prefers solitude and only sees all friendships as temporary, and then finally it is the person I have this squish on now, who does not really care about anyone beyond the usual friendships. All this combined could point towards me never being able to find someone, which means that I simply am not wanted. The logical conclusion of something not being wanted is for it to be thrown away. Being thrown away means basically dying…wait, it is dying, I should kill myself. But wait, people care about me even if it is not in that way. This is good, this means that I am still wanted in some way, so I should not kill myself. The voices are wrong, the Goddess communicating with me telepathically called Luna is wrong. Wait a minute, can't I want myself? That way someone always wants me, which increases my chance of survival. In practice this would mean that I am in a relationship with myself. Since I am a person with so many different personalities, it is almost as if I am multiple different people. It is logical, really, no one wanted the cake, so that leaves all the cake for me, no one wanted to work with me in the group project so I worked by myself, no one picked me for their team so I picked myself for my own team. Yes, that's it! The solution to all my problems. This was what the poem meant, the poem of me reaching the end of the tunnel and seeing light, maybe I am my own light. But then I would be autoplatonic meaning that I can have a platonic relationship with myself. I will try this out. No, I already did and it did not work…back to suicide? Idk, I do not want to be in that stinky ward again. Does that mean that I’d better succeed in killing myself? Idk…let's try to live for now so there is a 0% chance of me ending up in that ward.

Tw: vent and suicide note (dw, I have many failed attempts. The rope might break again):

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH, END MY PAIN ALREADY!!!! I am half way there, just a little more trauma and I won't ever emotionally react to anything ever again. I just need more trauma. I confess, I am trying to become more mad just so that I can reach the limit of pain. I am putting myself in situations where I get bullied. I desire nothing more than to destroy everything. Where others build, I destroy! Idc if someone is going to love me in the fucking future, I am gonna punish that person for taking too long to appear by destroying myself so bad that they will never love me. I will wreck my life so badly that only the sickest person on Earth could love me. I am tired of feeling like no one loves me. I should honestly just kill myself...wait, that is a good idea, actually. My mom is asleep too, I can do it. I CAN FUCKING DO IT!

honesty means having few friends

How to stop racist evildoers: SHOW UP AND OUTNUMBER THEM. It stopped the Klan in 1958.

"The Battle of Hayes Pond, also known as the Battle of Maxton Field or the Maxton Riot, was an armed confrontation between members of a Ku Klux Klan (KKK) organization and Lumbee people at a Klan rally near Maxton, North Carolina, on the night of January 18, 1958. The clash resulted in the disruption of the rally and a significant amount of media coverage praising the Lumbees and condemning the Klansmen."

"Cole and his Klansmen widely advertised their event, driving throughout the county in a truck outfitted with a loudspeaker to broadcast their plans. The announcements infuriated the Lumbee community and some decided to try to disrupt the meeting. Fearing violence, local law enforcement officials pleaded with Cole to suspend his plans, but he refused.

On January 18, 1958, Cole and about 50 Klansmen, most of whom were followers of his from South Carolina, gathered in a leased cornfield near Hayes Pond, a place adjacent to the town of Maxton. Several hundred Lumbees, many armed, arrived and encircled the group and jeered at them."

"After an altercation in which the single light in the field was destroyed, the Lumbees began firing their weapons and most of the Klansmen fled. Cole hid in a swamp while the Lumbees seized Klan regalia and carried them to Pembroke to celebrate. Police restored order on the field and arrested one Klansman.

Afterwards, Cole and the arrested Klansman were indicted and convicted for inciting a riot. The event was widely covered in the local and national press, which blamed the Klan for the disorder and praised the Lumbees for their actions. Cole never organized another public rally in Robeson County after the incident. In 2011 the Lumbee Tribal Council declared January 18 a "Tribal Day of Historical Recognition"."

LEARN MORE:

en.wikipedia.org

Battle of Hayes Pond - Wikipedia

dncr.nc.gov

Battle of Hayes Pond (I-93)

The Lumbee and other American Indians ousted the Ku Klux Klan from Maxton, Jan. 18, 1958, at rally, 1 1/2 miles SW.

So I guess that I got rejected by my obsession, looks like I will have to keep looking for a yandere to obsess over.

preach!

one of my life rules is to ask myself

"would a normal person do this?"

And if the answer is no, then I DO. IT.

And I think this reasoning would apply to Suzuya, Shuu, Rize, Eto, Uta, and lots of other admirable characters, so I don't feel bad about it at all.

In fact, I have their approval. The end.