Thoughts I Had/have As A Person With BPD That I Need To Let Out Or Might Drown Me With Guilt And Shame:

I feel so frigging tired and I wanna cry and the thought of having to attend my online classes tomorrow and being a productive person makes me feel horrible and on top of that having to attend my online yoga class in the evening and everything is just URGH, I just want to sleep away my life, please

The day I learnt how to check my pulse, I felt like I was holding my life in my own hand. It took me a long time to find that accurate spot, but once I did, I just couldn't understand how people refrained from checking their pulse all the time. It was evidence that I was alive, that no matter how I felt inside, my body was alive, that it was kicking, and it felt nothing short of a miracle. There seemed to be a certain kind of beauty in having the ability to feel my own heartbeat, in having a part of my heart extending to my wrist - so much so that it took my breath away, made it skip a beat.

I think I understand it better now - why people advise us against wearing our heart on our sleeve. When that very heart on our sleeve is an indication of our existence; when that very heart on our sleeve is the indication of whether we are living; when that pulse we feel is proof of survival - baring that to danger, to vulnerability, to scrutiny, may very well be an invitation to pain, to death. It is a direct route to our softest spot, an easy access to our precious safe. Who in their right mind would make themselves defenceless to threat of exposure?

After all, Achilles never went around flaunting his heel.

damnnn, I see people actually liking my posts and I'm super grateful, but tbh I use this platform to post drafts and stuff like that hehe - Tumblr is kind of like my post space? If that makes sense. I didn't expect this, but thank you 🥺🖤

I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN

me, going through bumble :

🎶where them girls at🎶

TW : PEDOPHILIA, INCEST, BEASTIALITY, NECROPHILIA (SEX) EROTICA/FANFICTION

wellll, you know how a lot of people read and write erotica about all that, including beastiality, necrophilia etc even when they know and say that it's obviously wrong in real life? Like, how come people read and write such things even when -

1. They agree it's wrong

2. They wouldn't do it nor would they like someone to do it to them

3. Wouldn't watch it

Not talking about survivors in this case, as in, not talking about it as a form of catharsis or something in this case.

And not just that. Like, there are asexual people who read and write and enjoy erotica. Ace people who're sexual acts repulsed in real life.

So this is basically a bigger vaala question - if people wouldn't do it in real life, what makes them enjoy it? I don't know if I'm phrasing it correctly, but yeah.

And how do people feel aroused while reading things like necrophilia erotica when it'll disgust them in real life?

So many questions.

And like, there are fanfiction where one person is a literal child and the other an adult and the author obviously puts a warning, but people read and enjoy that - so many people.

Is it something about the taboo factor that excites them?

And my friend said people who go search for child involving erotica/fanfiction must have mild pedophilic tendencies, so I asked - "But shouldn't that mean that people who go search for and purposely read beastiality, incest (one of the most common) and other taboo vaala erotica have mild those tendencies too? And asexual people who read erotica must have mild those tendencies too? 🤔

It's so confusing and I have so many questions. I'm not looking for a moral judgement, I'm looking for the psychology behind it btw.

im consuming book after book so that this chasm inside my chest doesn't drown me. i feel like there's this emptiness inside that pulling me inside, forcing me to cave in, and it hurts so much

Things to talk to my therapist about :

1. What Achan said sh

2. After movie night - crying episode (what Annu said) sh

3. What Ammi said sh

The depression™

It's all support people with ADHD until they-- act "irresponsibly", ask for "special treatment", exhibit "difficult" symptoms.

It's all support people with BPD until they--act "immature", are "too sensitive", "unnecessarily emotional"

And so much more that I don't have the energy to list.

Fuck this shit.

I have achieved the trifecta of unhealthy coping mechanisms - binge drinking, binge eating and self harm 🫠

how I practice - chewing gum when I feel like binge eating; eating when I feel like drinking; drinking when i feel like self harming; self harming when I feel like dying

alternative coping mechanisms - cutting hair, reading fanfiction, masturbation, sleeping, texting friends/my therapist, waking my mom up and crying to her, and writing in my diary~

adaptive coping mechanisms - safe space imagery, icing, 4-4-4 breaths, texting my therapist/friends, diary writing, chewing gum