A Little Thought
A little thought
Time cuts short whatever reverie I chase, every moment’s rest. Swamped by personal ambitions, the strain of a new semester’s pressures and expectations, and a soon coming trip to Japan, I find myself scrambling for something firm to hold on to.
Not because I’m feeling sadness or agony or overwhelming stress. Well, I am stressed. But what floods me is excitement in the uncertainty for the future and my hopes for it. It stresses me out, of course, makes me anxious.
However, I’m excited to discover what the world may have yet in store for me. At this point in my life, I believe the wicked hand fate dealt me is already over, and we’re now playing a new game. No more horrible events in my life will come to pass, I know. All the strife and grief and sorrow I went through is already over.
Now I’m supposed to heal and look for new paths into the future. Decide which I will take. Whether that is the path to Europe or Asia for my future studies; will I go study in Norway or Japan? And if so, will I study the same thing I do now, or something different?
I worry about my worth and skills to survive in the workforce in a crumbling society where there’s barely any difference between middle and lower class anymore. Where everywhere you go you see divides with no bridges.
Hm. Uncertain but excited. Perhaps for the first time looking forward to an uncertain, unknown future. Isn’t that fascinating?
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I find myself lost in my own writing. I feel the wind on my skin and see flying beasts with eyes wide open.
If there has ever been anything true, is that I’ve always been one to get lost in words, when I can see them before they’re shaped.
I see it all so clearly. It’s like looking at a screen or a mirror. I dive into the projection and feel the breath of the world.
Hear me please
“And as your breath leaves you, you’re taking my heart with you.”
“Please Eddie..Please come back to me… Don’t go where I can’t follow!”
“Please.. Please! If there ever was something listening to me, please hear me now! Please… don’t take him..”
‘Eddie damn you you stupid nerd. You stole my heart and now you’re taking my humanity with you.’
[Excerpt from my thought library, where I spend a shit ton of time writing my own fic for Eddie with an SPN crossover, simping for the bambi eyed freak and mourning him.]
Practice with ref from last year. It was an experiment really, trying to see what I could do different from my usual methods.
/Boss’ chair
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Mystical town. Urban sketches. #2, set of 10
Sketch number 2, is part of my apartment building. I had a lot of fun with all 10 of the urban sketches, and this one’s added bonus magical element is the spirit person watering their plants and the name plate on the wall.
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Omg I participated in the 41st CSP Illustration Contest!
It’s my first time ever and I put a lot of work into it. I’m very happy with the results!
I’m now eagerly anxiously waiting for the results
Please check out my work if you like fantasy art!
GUYS. PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE READING THIS. I’M TAKING DIGITAL ART COMMISSIONS STARTING NOW UNTIL FEBRUARY.
IF YOU’RE INTERESTED, PLEASE MESSAGE ME, COMMENT, ASK ME, OR HEAD TO MY WATTPAD WHERE YOU’LL FIND INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE.
This is some of my stuff. I do a variety of styles, depending on what you want or request.
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Definitely, for a film that was about tragedy, disaster, and death it revolved too much around the romantic tension between a university student that’s close to graduating and a high school student that’s not even in her last year…. The film was lovely, in its own way, of course.
But I think it could have been truly moving and heart wrenching if they ACTUALLY focused on grief and tragedy, how loss and trauma affects relationships. This could’ve been a film about loss and grief, traversing grief together and mourning a family member while trying to rebuild connections, all the while having to acknowledge that disaster may strike again at any moment.
If it explored the mother-daughter connection between Tamaki and Suzume it would have been an entirely different film that spoke to thousands of people who have gone through similar losses in their famlies. The constant struggle to rebuild oneself and get along with this new parent; having to accept that your loved one died, that things are gonna change and they’re always gonna be different, feeling guilt over forming a new connection (motherly in this case) while also needing it, the new connection (Tamaki) having to make sacrifices in order to shelter what she has left of her sister, struggling to get along because of grief, sacrifices and guilt, not knowing how to open up but also loving each other, etc. It could’ve been an extraordinarily heart wrenching movie.
so i watched suzume. . .
And it was good—the animators, vas, musicians, and other talented people who worked on this film deserve so much praise for their work.
On the other hand (and this is a purely personal exercise that isn't meant to detract from Makoto Shinkai's vision for the piece), I think the overall theme of the film might have been better served if the story centered on the ups and downs of Suzume's relationship with her aunt Tamaki, rather than Souta.
Suzume is very much a story about grief—set against the tragedy of the 2011 tohoku earthquake, Suzume's personal struggle with the loss of her mother is arguably our entryway into understanding how this tragedy continues to shape the relationship between Japan’s very geography, its history, and its people.
I believe that central to this narrative focus is Suzume’s complicated relationship with Tamaki, her mother’s sister, who raised Suzume for much of her life after the loss of Suzume's mother. For me, one of the most important moments of Suzume and Tamaki’s relationship is shown at the climax of their disagreements with each other. After being Suzume's sudden departure from their small town (partially out of that rebellious teenage desire to not be "suffocated" by Tamaki's presence; we'll get to Souta’s role in this later) and Tamaki's understandable worry about Suzume's wellbeing (which leads her to embark on a wild goose chase after Suzume, though we’re not shown much of Tamaki’s personal journey), Tamaki yells at Suzume while the two are at a rest stop with Souta’s friend Serizawa. Tamaki bitterly states that raising Suzume after her sister's death had been a suffocating burden on her as well, as she couldn't find love and live the life that she had wanted because of her responsibility. This leads Suzume to shrink back in disbelief, as she recalls a pivotal memory where, after wandering in a snowstorm in search of her mother (and encountering the Ever After), she is found by Tamaki, who cries and affirms that Suzume will always be her daughter. It's a heartbreaking scene. We can empathize with both characters—Suzume is closer in age to most viewers, and we know that she doesn’t really hate her aunt’s presence, as the stress of her chase after Daijin and Souta’s temporary “demise” has whittled away at her emotions. Similarly, we can imagine that Tamaki herself likely hasn't overcome her grief at losing her sister, and that her outburst wasn’t truly genuine—she does love Suzume, but she wants her adoptive daughter to understand the sacrifices she had made, because she had no one else to confide in or rely on. We anticipate that this is the emotional crux of the movie, showing the relationship of a surrogate mother to a child who has gone through deep, unresolved trauma, now burdened with the consequences arising from the "imbalances" of the spirit world, itself a metaphor for the turbulence of living and of losing.
. . .and then the movie doesn't do anything with this scene. It's suddenly cut short with the random appearance of the keystone Sadaijin, and any lingering tension from that scene is resolved offscreen, with Tamaki and Suzume regaining each other's trust in the next scene. It feels unearned and deeply unsatisfying, especially when the emotional core of the film then gets transplanted onto Suzume's emotional relationship with Souta, a college-aged man whom she has known for less than a week (Suzume, by the way, is in high school, and even if they don’t “get together” in the movie, it makes me a bit uncomfortable seeing someone who is implied to be in their twenties being the implied romantic interest for a seventeen-year-old).
So, I thought, what if the movie kept its cast of characters, and the general sequence of events, but instead of Souta being the one cursed by Daijin to be the keystone (an act that initiates the film's events), it was Tamaki? This is going to be broken up into a few reblogs since it's too long for one post, but here's how I would structure it. (Part 1 of 2, and with a lot of my own hc interactions)
The beginning of the film can stay the same, including Souta's appearance. however, the driving force for Suzume to go to the isolated spot where the first door is located is an argument with Tamaki, rather than her implied curiosity regarding Souta. Perhaps, in this fight, we see bits of Tamaki's personality that may come across as "suffocating" to a teenager, even if she meant well.
Suzume, bothered by Tamaki's presence and the dream that she had of wandering through the Ever After, goes to this isolated spot to get away from everything, which is where she encounters the door and Daijin. Perhaps she's sulking a bit, and makes some sarcastic remark about someone like Souta being able to travel (something that would show her interest in leaving the small town she currently lives in). She then opens the door, Daijin escapes, and she goes about her day as in the film, until the worm appears above the skyline.
She then runs back to the door, where she encounters Souta again. They close the door, and Souta explains what he does and what the door represents. She brings Souta back to their house for medical treatment (except without any of the weird romantic tension between them), and they begin talking about Suzume’s life (perhaps about her room, the chair, and her dreams, as Suzume imagines the kinds of dangers—and thrills—that come with Souta’s position as a Closer).
This is where Tamaki comes back into the story. Tamaki, returning early to check on Suzume and encountering Suzume and Souta together, thinks the worst and begins to berate Suzume. They get into another argument, with Souta trying to calm the two down. Suzume, already stressed from the day's events, wishes that she can be "free" of Tamaki.
This is when Daijin appears on the windowsill, shit-eating grin and all, and says something along the lines of "Ok, Suzume. I can do that—because you're just like me." And then Tamaki is suddenly turned into a chair.
The same chaos ensues, with Tamaki, Souta, and Suzume chasing after Daijin until they get on the ferry. This is where Souta can give some more exposition, saying that he's never encountered this before, while encouraging Tamaki and Suzume to try and come together as he figures the whole thing out. Perhaps this is also the time where we get more information about Souta's personal life (in this version, it is information about his desire to become a teacher, as well as info about his relationship with his own mother, who was killed during a dangerous mission she took on as a Closer.)
The trio continue chasing after Daijin, with the group splitting up by necessity (thus allowing Tamaki and Suzume to have more screentime together). Specifically, Souta finds out that another door is opening off the path of travel they are taking after Daijin, and he instructs Tamaki and Suzume to continue their journey while he takes care of the other door. Before he leaves, he gives Suzume another key he keeps in his possession, which he reveals belonged to his mother.
Suzume and Tamaki continue onwards and meet Chika, the girl on the motorcycle. Suzume and Tamaki then cooperate in closing the door opened by Daijin. In this version, I think it would be interesting if Daijin is actually actively opening doors, not simply leading the pair to doors that are about to open. This serves as a huge bonding moment for Suzume and Tamaki, as they previously couldn’t go a day without arguing over the best way to do things.
Suzume and Tamaki stay at Chika's place (and have the downtime with Chika that is shown in the movie), except Suzume's dialogue with Tamaki consists of her confessing that she is jealous of Chika's independence and the bustling atmosphere at Chika's home. Tamaki is initially angered by this, but gradually calms down in her “chair corner” as she sees Suzume and Chika having fun, perhaps even reminding Tamaki of her own childhood with her sister.
When Tamaki falls asleep, she sees visions of her sister, which both frightens and immobilizes her (i.e. literally her survivor’s guilt “anchoring” her in place). This is meant to replace how Souta gradually descends into his “death” when he sleeps.
Suzume and Tamaki head off and are picked up by Rumi, the mother who works at the hostess bar. Initially, Tamaki whispers to Suzume that she doesn’t want Suzume hitchhiking with a stranger, but Suzume tells her that sometimes they need to rely on others to get by. The same comedy shenanigans with Rumi’s children can be kept in—I think it’s more fitting that Tamaki plays the role of the “toy chair that can speak” in order to keep the children entertained, because she probably, after all, raised Suzume on similar silly stories.
Suzume and Tamaki run to the abandoned fairgrounds to close the other door when the worm appears. I think this scene becomes more impactful when Tamaki is the chair and not Souta, as her decision to save Suzume from falling from the Ferris wheel and letting Daijin go would highlight her parental worry for Suzume, though perhaps this isn’t fully realized by Suzume in the midst of her adrenaline rush. Suzume, however, does look upon the fairground as a place that she wants to go to with Tamaki, when all of this is over, though she keeps this to herself.
Suzume, watching Rumi work her shift as a hostess, comes to appreciate the struggles of being a mother more. Similarly, Tamaki wants to connect with Rumi as a peer, but is limited by her chair form. Seeing Suzume bond with Rumi makes Tamaki want to be there for Suzume, as she sees Suzume slowly maturing into her own person. However, neither Suzume nor Tamaki feel ready to fully open up about these nuanced feelings, as they fall instead into a comical back-and-forth when they’re alone.
Suzume and Tamaki manage to get to Tokyo, where they meet up with Souta. He tells them that he’s been doing whatever research he can to try and figure out how to break Tamaki’s curse. This is where he can explain the keystone lore to Suzume and Tamaki.
The giant worm starts appearing over the city. Tamaki insists that Suzume get out of Tokyo. Souta agrees, and tells Suzume and Tamaki to leave, stating that he can handle the worm himself. Suzume refuses, stating that she’s not going to let anyone else die—the “else” implying that she too still feels survivor’s guilt over her mother’s death.
Despite Souta’s attempts at reasoning with her, Suzume is adamant on staying—Daijin appears and mocks her, telling her that she only knows how to let her aunt dictate how she lives. Suzume rushes ahead without Souta and Tamaki. Tamaki and Souta chase after Suzume, with Tamaki yelling at Suzume again, calling her “rash”, "always making her worry and chase after her," and “thinking and behaving like a child”.
Perhaps Suzume covers her ears, as Tamaki’s words begin to blend into Daijin’s laughter as he scrambles towards the worm. Perhaps Suzume screams out loud, screaming that she felt as though Tamaki had never believed in her, that even when an entire city is threatened, Tamaki cares only about herself, and knows only how to chastise and suffocate Suzume. This shocks Tamaki, but before she can respond, the trio are shot up to the worm’s back, and Souta attempts to seal the worm. However, Daijin interferes and Souta is injured. Suzume then tries to grab Daijin, only for Daijin to purr contentedly and state that he understands what Suzume is feeling—that is why Tamaki will now be the keystone, and both of them can be free.
Suzume turns to Tamaki, only to find that she is unresponsive. Ice is forming around her, as Suzume’s words echo over and over in her mind. Perhaps Tamaki then screams in grief as she sinks deeper into her regret and memories of her sister—that is when we get her screams about how much she had sacrificed for Suzume, and how much happiness Suzume took from her (basically what she said during the rest stop confrontation).
(pt 1 end)
Mystical town. Urban sketches. #4, set of 10.
Playground.
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Hi again, Nia here!
I updated my Cara portfolio a bit, so my most recent decent artworks are there now! Check them out if you like art and fantasy stuff!
Man. I really need to fluff up my portfolio. I need to produce more and more pieces 😳.
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