He Is Beauty, He Is Grace. I Wanna Kiss His Fucking Face.

So I'm on a train rn and I'm really close to crying.

I've started having suicidal thoughts almost ten years ago. Even though I'm doing way better now, sometimes they're still there. One a few years ago I started thinking about the future. But never further than a couple of years?

The past few weeks I've been struggling again and maybe that's the reason why I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know where that thought came from but some part of me decided that I want to go on a end of September trip, in 2040.

So last year I became kinda obsessed with Walter Benjamin. I tend to like things in extreme ways, so the desire to own everything he ever wrote was kind of expected. I now own 15 books written by or about Walter Benjamin.

I think I won't stop buying them…

I really hate being alone because sometimes I get stuck in my head. I get lost in my mind. 'cause up there it's like a wicked maze with moving walls built out of my screaming and racing thoughts.

And I don't know if it's too quiet or too loud, if I feel a lot of emotions or nothing at all. Am I in pain or is everything just numb?

So I'm just falling down this downward spiral. And I want to scream. Want to ask for help. But every time I try and open my mouth no sound comes out. All I can do is reach out my hand, hoping you see it and catch me before I arrive at the end.

Down at the bottom, broken, shattered in pieces, dying inside. 'cause honestly I don't know if I can build myself all up again.

Me: *throws rocks at gods window*

God: *opens window* "what do you want?"

Me: "my gender is broken I don't want it anymore"

God: "what's wrong with your gender?"

Me: "it has dysphoria"

God: "what the f**k is wrong with you?" *closes window*

I choose coffee today.

(looks in the mirror)

ew what the fuck is that-

impusively kissing! kissing when laughing! kissing cheeks to say thanks! kissing noses! kissing foreheads! kissing hands! kissing wrists! kissing temples! kissing fingertips! lazy kissing! goodbye kisses! see you later kisses! wait for me kisses! be right back kisses! that is so stupid but i love you kissing!

Kant talks a lot about common sense for a person that has none at all

I want all of them

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