A Moment Of Light During The Siege

As the world falls down:

Chapter 6

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"You...You what?" Steve's voice is shaky like he can hardly believe the words coming from Billy's mouth. It all happened so quickly: first Steve returns home from his night out with Dustin, then Billy shows up at his doorstep with cold distant eyes, and now here they are. Sitting in Steve's bedroom, nothing but the chirping of the crickets and the uncomfortable tension fills the silence.

"I can't be with someone I don't love," Billy repeats himself. He keeps his back towards Steve, that way it removes any type of eye contact, but Steve wants to see him. He wants to see his eyes. That way he'll know that the words coming out of his mouth aren't true.

"W-Why are you saying this? Of course, y--is this about what happened this morning? Ugh, Christ Billy!"

"It's got nothing to do with this morning. I'm not lying. This thing that's been going on between us, it was purely sexual. When I asked you out to the motel I realized we were getting to...personal. So I never showed up." Silence refills the air, "You said you wanted an explanation."

"you call that an explanation? First, you tell me you never loved me, then you say our entire relationship was just for sex?! Billy, I know you. What we have is more than just sex."

"Maybe to you."

"So you're telling me all that time we've spent together over the last six months meant nothing to you?"

Billy doesn't answer, instead, he keeps his back hunched and edges closer toward the foot of the bed. Steve wants to reach out and grab him, pull him into a soothing embrace and whisper into his ear, and say everything is okay. But his icy cold temperature radiates off his ghostly pale skin. It pains Steve so much to see Billy in this manner, acting so distant, saying such...lies.

Steve pulls himself closer to the edge, he's able to face Billy's profile but the blonde's eyes are still shut. "Billy, look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that what we had meant nothing to you."

Billy's eyes finally turn to Steve's and the brunette has to stop his body from recoiling. His baby blue eyes have transformed into a dull grey, the pupils are beyond dilated, and behind the hollow void filling his eyes they are a great level of raw pain. All Steve can do is sit there and let his heart shatter, something about seeing Billy in this state makes that festering sense of worthlessness linger in his brain.

"It meant nothing," Billy repeats in the same monotone voice. "Maybe it did for you, but for me, it was just a sexual thing. I know it was purely sexual for you in the beginning, and maybe in your mind it became something more but it was just a fantasy."

Billy removes himself from the bed, picking up the denim jacket he tossed aside, he fixes the ends of his mullet before heading for the door. "I don't think we should see each other anymore...take care of yourself, Harrington."

Steve is frozen to the bed. He does not want this to be real, this is just some sick dream, and he needs to wake up. He needs to move. He needs to stop Billy from leaving.

"This isn't you!" He springs up from the bed. Billy stops in his tracks, balling his hands into a tight fist which causes his knuckles to grow whiter than the Hawkins snow. "If Neil knows something and he's making you do this then you don't have to listen to him, you don't have to do anything that bastard tells you. If he's found out about us then just tell me. We can figure something out, I'll get you out of--"

"Stop trying to be some white knight, Steve!" Billy snaps. It's the first time Billy has shown emotion in his voice, it makes Steve flinch in fear, "Neil doesn't know shit! Stop trying to find some excuse, it's over alright, now let me go!"

The thing is...Steve would gladly let him leave. If he believed a single thing Billy was saying, he would not try to hold Billy back. But Steve can see right through the bullshit Billy is trying to play off, and he's is not going to let the best six months of his life go up in flames just like that.

"I may be a lot of things, Billy, but I'm not stupid. I know you're lying. Just gimme one honest reason why you want to break up. One good reason and I'll let you walk right out that door and we never have to see each other again."

"Steve. Please let me go." Billy pleads through gritted teeth. But Steve ignores his plea and stands in front of him, blocking Billy's path to the door.

"Just tell me why you don't want to be with me?! If it really was just sex for then I deserve a rea--" before Steve even has a chance to react, Billy grabs him by the shoulders, his hands clawing into his shoulder blades, and thrusts the helpless pretty boy against the wall. Terror bleeds into Steve's system as his boyfriend inches closer to his face, his breathing is heavy like a savage animal.

"You want a reason? Fine." Billy spits, "You know, Steve, I've had a lot of regrets in my life but shoving my dick into you has got to be on the top of my fucking list."

Steve wants to speak but his words tangle in his throat.

"You did one nice thing for me, sure, I felt I owed you a favor, but you just kept coming back and clinging to me like a rash. I should have pushed you away while I still had the chance but then I saw the desperation in your eyes so I decided to stick around. Sure it was fun at first but then it just became pathetic."

"Y-You don't mean--"

"Oh, I mean every fucking word, Harrington. I have never met a person so pathetic as you. You have this burning need to be loved and feel wanted by your lovers, because if you don't then what's the point of you? Well, guess what, Steve? You're right. You are worthless. You are so scared that people will see how meaningless and needy you are that you break up with them before they have a chance to hurt you. Well, Nancy sure saw it and so did I. You were nothing more than a pity fuck to me, Harrington, and that is all you will ever be. You and me...we're done."

Steve stares, hurt and stunned by those cruel words. At first, he nearly falls for it, he thinks Billy's words are truly genuine, but then he catches a glimpse into the glassy reflections of Billy's eyes, and he knows that this is hurting Billy just as much as it's hurting Steve.

"Billy, I don't know what's going on with you...but I'm going to find out." Billy's harsh expression drops, but it didn't work. "You hear me. I'm giving up on us."

"Shut up."

"We're going to work this out, together, whatever shit you've gotten yourself in, I'll get you out of it."

"Shut up, Steve."

"Because no matter what, Billy Hargrove, I lo--"

"I SAID SHUT UP!!!" Without warning, Billy shoves Steve's back against the wall. And he doesn't hold back. Steve lets out a pained wail before collapsing to the ground, flakes from the cracked wall fall onto his clothes. Billy steps away with a horrified expression, there's now a large crack in the wall from where he attacked. Steve topples to the ground reeling from his agony.

Billy takes a step forward but stops himself. He heads for the door, glancing at Steve one last time, "Stay away from me, Steve." He whispers before shutting the door behind him.

*****

Saying the ride back home was a struggle would be a complete understatement. It's bad enough that the cracked windshield already blocks his line of sight, but the flooding of salty tears streaming from his eyes did him no favors.

Billy's body is still shaking. He can't believe what he has done, those words, he meant none of them, not a goddamn one! But it was the last thing he could come up with to convince Steve to stay away from him. The whole time Billy wanted to throw himself into his boyfriend's arms and beg for his help but he knew if he did the shadow would attack. It was all for nothing though, as Steve still saw through his lies.

That doesn't excuse what he did, attacking Steve like that, Billy had forgotten how strong the shadow's infection made him. But now Steve might be seriously injured, he might have damaged his spine. Billy had always made a promise to never do anything to harm Steve and yet here he is breaking said promise, he left Steve alone in his house in a pool of broken walls and pain.

He eventually reaches his small house on Cherry lane, he ignores Max and Susan as he passes them by and thankfully Neil is still out on his night shift. Billy's eyes still sting from the crying and his cheeks are rosy from the salty streaks that fell onto them. He crawls into his bed and rests his exhausted body in the fetal position, he prays that the next time he wakes up this will all be one long nightmare and when he gets up the next morning everything will be back to normal.

His hope doesn't last long, as the room begins to fill with a familiar barren coldness. The shadow emerges from thin air sporting its "Billy" façade.

"Well," it begins in an echoey tone, "I must say, William, that was quite a show. And here I thought you didn't have it in you, for a second, I thought I would have to intervene and take care of it myself."

"Let's just cut the crap," he mumbles wiping the snot away with his sleeve, "I got Steve to stay away from you, now you said you would leave him alone, you better stick to your end of the bargain."

"William, you misjudge me. As long as Steven and your sister stay away from my creation, no harm will come of them. I am a man of my word, I just hope you are a man of yours."

Billy sighs, he wipes away what is left of his tears, and stands up from his bed, he turns to face the shadow and it's like looking into a nightmarish mirror, "I will help build your creation."

The shadow smirks. It has complete control of Billy Hargrove. From now on, he listens to the sound of its voice, he does everything it asks of him, Billy is now a slave to the creature. He has no control.

Tagging: @flashwaves @every-dayiwakeup @femmebilly @intothedysphoria @officialbillyhoehargrove @prettyboybillyhargrove @bigdumbbambieyes @billysblueeyes @emeraldwitches @suometar @jad3w1ngs @usaqaix @justan-0-t-h-3-r @talesfrom-theupsidedown @hargrove-mayfields @onebrainsel @grey-sides @disdaidal @nogitsunbae @deedoop @ouizzyharringrove @memes-saved-me @martianclown @cherry-sorry

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JOE KEERY — photograped for Newburyport Magazine (2019)

Deserved better squad

Miss them :,(

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The bus always drops Billy off exactly a block from home. They took his car when he failed a vision test from his chronic migraines, so there isn’t much of a choice. Which is fair. He really doesn’t want to drive anyways after his accident. But, the bus isn’t always on time.

He’d been visiting Max at the hospital to play catch up before the new year. There’s always a good excuse to go visit her, but today especially. There’s fireworks going off like crazy from all the drunk hicks celebrating the passing of another year. Fireworks that terrify Max because she can’t even see them, after losing her vision in the battle for her life.

He’s lucky he got out of the hospital earlier that night because Max requested an extra strong dose of her meds to drown out the sound of the fireworks.

Unfortunately, there’s too many of those same drunks to cart around that the bus hadn’t made its way to the hospital until an hour after it was supposed to pick him up. He’d meant to be home by 9, but it’s already after 10.

Even on his eventual walk home from the bus stop, drawn out by his limp and his cane, the sky is full of smoke and colors. And noise. Lots and lots of irritating, terrifying noise.

Billy walks the last stretch faster than he should. He’s eager to get home to Steve for their first new year together anyhow. He’ll blame it on that instead of the lick of fear in his stride from the booming.

Right away as he shoulders the door open on his good side, the one not leaning on a cane, he calls out into the house, expecting Steve to be right there since he’s running a little late, “Baby?”

But there’s no answer. That’s not so unusual. They’re usually in bed by now anyways, aged at least three decades by the events of two summers ago and basically every day since. He’ll just hang up his coat, kick off his stretchy old man shoes, and try again.

“Steeeevie?”

Still nothing.

One too many times panicking from not knowing Steve’s exact location has taught him to calm down a little, and get his head on the right way before he starts tearing the place apart looking for him. Taking his time so as not to hurt himself in the process, Billy decides to go upstairs and check before he makes the ruling that Steve’s MIA. For his sanity.

He finds his boyfriend disguised as a pile of blankets on their bed, and he almost misses him because the lights are all out.

Right.

Fireworks are pretty rough for Steve too. Nothing brings more sensory overload than colorful death bombs in the sky. Billy sighs. He hates this town and the constant cacophony of fear it brings. Can’t they ever have a moment of peace?

He climbs into bed next to Steve, announcing his presence with a clearing of his throat before he plops down next to the curled up figure under the comforter.

“What’re you doing in here?”

The quiet response from Steve comes out barely audible, “Hiding.”

Yeah. Billy kinda wishes he could hide from a lot of things too. But right now, this is not about him,

“What from?”

The blankets rustle and a small mumbled response comes, “Loud.”

Just to be sure, and so Steve doesn’t have to do as much talking, Billy clarifies, “The fireworks are too loud?”

Again, there’s a shifting sound of Steve’s hair against the sheets, as he nods gently.

Billy wants to hold him. He’d like to strike down every last motherfucker that made Steve feel like this too. He can settle for lifting up the blanket and sliding under it with Steve, and talking gently to try and soothe him.

“I think so too. They uh.. remind me of..”

His voice breaks off from the quiet whisper into just nothing. Even now, even trying to be strong for Steve, there are some things that are too hard to talk about.

Steve’s face goes scrunched up with sympathy. Like he’s trying hard on purpose to feel bad for Billy, though that’s not really how it goes in his head. He even apologizes, though that isn’t what Billy wanted at all, “I’m sorry.”

Instantly, Billy rushes to reassure him, “Stevie, you didn’t-“

But it doesn’t change what Steve was already determined to tell him. They don’t talk a lot about the serious things. About how they’re both disabled now, and certainly both jam-packed with more trauma than the sky is packed with lights tonight. Maybe they should, so Steve won’t sound as guilty as he speaks,

“I’m sorry I’ve always been like this and you were made into this.”

That makes Billy pause. He has to catch his breath and then turn on his side to look at Steve’s face, centering on his nose so accidental eye-contact won’t happen.

No way is he letting Steve blame himself for this, any of this.

“That’s not true. I hated fireworks before too. We’d watch them on the beach, and I’d get scared because the water looked like it was on fire.”

Just from that tidbit, Steve tears up. Billy tears up. They both know what part of the story is coming next, and suddenly Billy remembers that he told this story before and simply forgot, but it’s too late to stop now.

“Momma held me and told me that it wasn’t real, but.. after momma left.. I was always afraid of irrational shit like that. Still am. Just today I was scared the hospital would burn up from the fireworks if I left Max there. Or I’d choke on the smoke on my way home. And then I got back and I couldn’t find you and I just-“

Yeah. Steve gets it. They’re both trying their damndest, even when another pop sounds in the near distance, and Steve presses his headphones a little closer to his ears.

The not quite silence speaks more volumes than their words. Steve spreads his arm out, and makes a soft little humming sound. An invitation for Billy to come close and wrap his arms around Steve. They need each other right now.

Billy dives into the offered cuddle. He’s been waiting for this moment all day. The moment where he could just sob into Steve’s chest, and feel Steve’s own tears wetting his hair. Sometimes, this is what it takes.

Laying in bed and purging out all their bad emotions isn’t exactly the ideal way for two ex-King’s like them to spend their New Year’s Eve, but it’s how they’re going to, and neither would ask for any other way to move into another year. They fought hard to be able to do that.

Nobody can take that away.

They don’t talk again until Steve is ready. With all the noise and chaos, Billy doesn’t mind the silence, just listening to Steve’s steady, unsteady, one-two-skip, heartbeat. He hears Steve’s words rattle up in his chest as he speaks them, “Fireworks are stupid.”

That makes Billy crack a smile. They both know all this crying isn’t about the fireworks. Not that it helps, but that’s not the point.

Maybe fireworks will be the spark that lit the fire. From now on, it’s about opening up a little more.

“Yeah. What’s so great about all that toxic shit in the air anyways?” Billy meant that in more ways than one, but whether or not Steve got the double meaning about all that glory covering up the ugly truth, isn’t what he focuses on.

Steve lingers on the idea of the bad air, and Billy’s asthmatic lungs, and lets the worry come back, “I didn’t even think about that. You okay?”

Billy nods against Steve’s chest, and pulls back a little so his head is resting by his arm instead, and they’re face to face now, “I’m just fine.”

It’s such an automatic answer, Steve catches it too. Satisfied that he noticed, he points out, “You sound just like Max.”

He does. It feels like it’s already been an eternity since he got back in Steve’s arms. He forgot that today was the same day he visited Max. His memories get mixed up like that sometimes.

The silence after Steve’s little teasing must eat away at Billy’s mask, because Steve makes a small sound of worry, like a gruff sniffle, and asks, “Was she okay?”

Trying hard to remember today’s visit over yesterday's or the day before's or nine months before that’s, Billy gives details by the moment he remembers them, “Still tired. But alright. Got her to smile.”

“Did you tell her-“ Every single day Steve asks the same questions. He cares so much about doing the right thing.

Seeing him now, all curled up in bed and sad on a day that’s a celebration for everybody else, makes Billy even more sure that he’s going to do the right thing as well. Right now, that’s reassurance,

“Yep, I said ‘hi from Steve.’ And I made sure to tell her you miss her. All the usual.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come.” Steve went once, and that was all it took for the constant beeping, rushing, wheeling, to trigger a meltdown. Never again.

But Billy’s alright with that, and Max was too the last time they talked, “Baby, we’ve told you. It’s fine. I can barely get my ass on the bus either.”

Steve doesn’t look like he believes him. His eyes are wide and teary again. His nails scratch at his palms, so Billy gently takes his hands and keeps them separated.

“Promise?”

Billy kisses Steve’s knuckles on each hand, soft and barely able to be felt as a graze across warm flesh. He’s going to do anything to make Steve stop worrying about the harder things they’ve been through a few times now.

“I promise.”

Billy reaches out slowly, ever so slowly so Steve has time to assert his boundaries before Billy's hand makes contact with his face. Instead of stopping him though, Steve blinks slowly and closes his eyes, and allows Billy to gently hold his cheek. His skin is flushed warm, despite it being so cold out. He’s the softest thing Billy’s ever had the privilege to hold.

Next he wants to taste. The angle they’re at is awkward and it hurts Billy’s back. He taps Steve’s cheek as a silent way of asking him to be the one to initiate their kiss and fix their tangle of limbs. Steve obliges, without opening his eyes, shifting off of his hip so his chest is against Billy’s now, and their faces are just inches apart.

Billy isn’t even sure which of them actually closes the gap, but in the next moment he’s kissing Steve slowly and carefully like either of them could break at any second.

In the next moment, Steve does break, only in that he separates the kiss.

“Wait a sec.”

Billy’s eyes are half open, his face warmed by the love he felt from the kiss, which left him too lax and calm to be worried about Steve’s interruption, “Hm?”

Not for no reason. Steve’s panic looks a lot different from his lightbulb ideas, and right now, Billy can tell before Steve even speaks it’s going to be the latter. One of his good ideas.

“We have to save up our kisses for midnight.”

Not exactly the most thrilling idea ever. Billy instinctually scrunches his nose as an expression of doubt, but Steve’s eyes are still shining with his own brilliance.

“I don’t know, babe..”

“It’s good luck!” Steve swears it like it’s a revelation, and he’s just cured all that ails Billy.

Seeing him that happy, instead of shaking and hiding from the overstimulation like earlier, Billy could say that Steve’s just about done that for real.

Billy plays his role as the skeptic though, pouting over-exaggeratedly so Steve knows he’s not serious, “Didn’t know that meant we had to wait.”

It earns a laugh, more akin to a delighted giggle, out of Steve, who decides on a compromise for their imaginary plight, “You can have one kiss on the cheek for now.”

He leans over and just barely pecks his cheek, soft lips ghosting over Billy’s skin and making him shiver with the feeling of goose pimples popping up on his neck. The small kiss transforms with the shape of Steve’s smile from Billy's reaction, and then Steve gives him another, slightly stronger, press of his lips.

“Thank you, Stevie.” Billy makes doubly-sure Steve knows he’s not really as pouty as he was playing to be. Really, any affection from Steve makes his entire day better, after months where they weren’t able to have these moments between doctors visits and monster battles. The peace of just being in one another’s arms, finally safe from all of that, is enough. “Love you.”

Declarations of love always give Steve a reason to show his happy hands. He taps the tips of his fingers in a rhythm against Billy’s collar bone, and returns the declaration in a silly, stimmy voice, “I love you too.”

Their bliss is interrupted by another thundering firework outside. A distressed squeak cuts off Steve’s words, and he buries his face into Billy’s form, hiding along the contour of his arm, with his face pressed against Billy’s ribcage, so he’s as close to Billy as possible, and as far away from the threat.

It’s not really a comfortable position, but if it keeps Steve feeling safe, Billy can live with a dead arm for a while.

“I got you, Steve. Those fireworks aren’t gonna get us, babe.”

“Too loud.” Steve repeats his sentiment from earlier. That’s a nice affirmation that this is all rational. They’ve both had their share of fear driven breaks, which are much harder to solve.

Since this one’s the kind that doesn’t scare Billy, he keeps joking with Steve to keep him from slipping into that worse place.

“Want me to sing for you? Drown it all out?” He questions, knowing full well he can’t hold a tune worth a damn.

“Please no.” Steve’s so polite about telling Billy what he already knew. It’s really sweet actually.

Billy chuckles lightly, suppressing his laugh so he doesn’t jostle Steve too much, “I hear you. We’ll just be nice and quiet then.”

After so long like that, without any more booming interruptions from outside of their safe spot, Billy’s eyes start to get heavy. He caught Steve the same way, blinking extra hard so his eyelashes danced over Billy’s skin, and so his eyes wouldn’t shut without him.

Normally he’d just let him sleep, and he considers it for a moment, but it’s the celebration of the new year, and Steve would be devastated if they missed the midnight kiss.

Billy realizes they’ve been laying here for so long, he doesn’t even know what time it is, “I’m gonna peek out of the blanket. Check the time.”

Steve doesn’t waste energy on responding beyond a simple nod.

Billy uses his free hand that isn’t under Steve to pull the heavy comforter back down to let the real world back in. His eyes take a moment to adjust to the room again, and then he squints at the clock to see how close they are to the moment.

“Oh shit. It’s 11:56. Only 4 minutes left.” He announces, and Steve pops up beside him from under the blanket eagerly, every bit of tiredness gone from his face and replaced with glowing excitement.

“Are we gonna count them down?”

Billy smiles and shrugs as much as he can with Steve’s weight still on his one arm, “Don’t see why not.”

They count the minutes down together quietly. That’s too long to do it out loud and wear Steve out before it’s even time. Their way of doing that consists of Billy laying still and letting Steve tap out each passing second against the scar in the center of his chest.

When they finally reach an achievable countdown, Billy starts with, “10.”

“9.” Steve takes the next, and they do it in alternating order, although from the way Steve is vibrating with excitement, he’d probably rather skip this step altogether

Still, Steve is so loving with him, even when Billy feels like he doesn’t deserve it.

“8.”

Billy would hold him through anything it took to make Steve feel safe expressing that kind of love.

“7.”

They fought so hard to be this comfortable. Last year, Billy was still in a coma, and Steve was still too scared to even touch him to hold hands.

“6.”

Their first kiss was two months after they started dating, leaning around stitches and big emotions to both finally feel like everything was in place.

“5.”

Someday, they’ll be totally in sync and know when those hard times have passed, but right now it’s a loving, tender work in progress.

“4.”

And maybe someday, they’ll get out of Hawkins, and far away from all the chaos here.

“3.”

Billy gets stronger every day, mentally and physically. Steve gets more in tune with his own needs and self-worth. That’s what a support system and a whole lotta care will do for a couple of guys like them.

“2.”

Most importantly, they’re getting better all the time at communicating, building up the foundations of their relationship.

“1!”

Steve initiates the kiss, grabbing both sides of Billy’s face and smashing their lips together rather than kissing him. It’s reminiscent of their first kiss, in all its clumsy, anxious glory. Billy thinks that’s a good momento to end the worst year of their lives with, and start into what will hopefully be the best.

“Looking forward to another year with you, baby.” He promises, when they break apart and finally get a breath.

Steve wears a delightful smile, “Here’s to another.. hm.. 100?”

That sounds nice. Just him and Steve for the rest of time, no matter how many years pass or how many painful explosions happen.

“Yeah. Cheers to that.”

[ actor!billy’s insta stories, pt.1 ]

steve is here

Don’t mind me,

Just spreading awareness 😌