kind-404
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Latest Posts by kind-404
nathaniel wesninski had been dead for years before they left him buried in baltimore. he had been dead, but he’d also been ever-present, pacing in the muffled beat of alex’s footsteps, crouching beneath the hooded circles under stefan’s eyes, twitching at the base of chris’s trigger finger. pulsing in the pit of abram’s throat as he stuck a lighter to the hood of his mother’s car. he crawled into bed at neil’s side when he tucked away his brown contacts and pulled out his binder. but neil, abram, alex-stefan-chris, weren’t the only ones he haunted, because he haunted evermore too. he was the silhouette that sat on the edge of the bed opposite jean’s when zane wasn’t in the room. he was the phantom that drew cold fingers over the number that should have been his scrawled on the face of the boy he should have been able to save. he was the speck of light jean saw when he opened his eyes underwater long enough he forgot how to breathe. he was the glinting edge of a box-cutter and the creaking floor of a wooden box and the stale air in jean’s lungs from 48 hours in hell. the point separating 11.9 from 1.19. misplaced forever partners united by being haunted by the same ghost.
My adaptation of the God of Arepo short story, which was originally up at ShortBox Comics Fair for charity. You can get a copy of the DRM-free ebook here for free - and I'd encourage you to donate to Mighty Writers or The Ministry of Stories in exchange.
Again it's an honour to be drawing one of my favourite short stories ever. Thank you so much for the original authors for creating this story; and for everyone who bought a copy and donated to the above non-profits.
People on Twitter pissed me off, so now I need to talk about Kevin Day. With a new wave of "Kevin was selfish for leaving" discourse happening, I legitimately have to ask, do you all understand what a cult is??
Even putting the psychological effects being in a cult had on him aside, Kevin is not a perfect person. Nobody in the aftg series is perfect, characters are not black and white. This is one of the big points of the series. You have got to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine this:
You are 19 years old. Your mother was killed when you were a child by someone involved in this cult; even if you do not know this for a fact, you have a suspicion. The identity of your father is kept from you in an effort to keep you where you are. You are number 2, supposed second in command of the other members. You can not piss off number 1; you have seen what he does to number 3 when he is angry. You are challenged to fight number 1 and know that if you win, he will be irrationally angry, so you pull the fight and let him win. He knows you did this. He attacks you, and you start begging. First in English, your native tongue, then in Japanese, his native tongue, and then in French, the language you should not know. This implicates number 3, and number 1 lashes out and crushes your hand almost beyond repair.
You are left alone with number 3 there to pick up the pieces. Your mind is absolutely reeling; you are no longer useful to the cult like this, and you know what they do to things they do not deem useful. 3 will do anything for you. You know this to be true. You have to get out, and a solution comes to your mind: number 3 distracts number 1. It is your only opportunity. Do you take it?
Personally, I don't understand how you can read this series and not come out of it feeling incredibly sorry for Jean and Kevin. Should Kevin have used Jean's feelings for him to get out of the nest? In a perfect world, no, but this is not a perfect world. He was desperate, and scared, and vulnerable, and he did whatever he could to get away. If he was selfish, he would not have felt the insane amounts of regret we can practically feel radiating off of him during the series. Kevin is a victim, and I need y'all to stop overlooking that.
thinking about kevin day winning his first olympic gold medal.
kevin day who appears to the media as a confident athlete who knows how talented he is. everyone knew the gold medal was only a matter of when he’d get it and not if he gets it— he’s the son of exy after all. they might have seen him a bit stiff in his earlier years and people did not forget about his class i exy interviews in which he confirms he had never been skiing or that the palmetto state foxes’ coach is actually his father— but he has always maintained that kevin day winning smile and his polite composure with the perfect amount of charisma.
but then the US exy team wins the final game at the olympics. it’s the first time he has won the olympic medal and when the final whistle fills his ears, he quite literally drops to his knees, he yells out in celebration, and then when he takes off his helmet he is crying. he has finally done it. he has won the gold medal which he was so determined to win ever since he could remember.
and most people do not know the extend of what he had to sacrifice for it. they don’t realise the extend of how hard he had to work to get back to exy after his hand got broken— both mentally and physically. nor do they know the amount of panic attacks he had to deal with and the same amount of times he had to drown his feelings away with a bottle or three.
and he’s crying. the fans cheer him on. and it’s not just the USA fans— but it feels like the whole stadium starts cheering his name in celebration and support. because at the end of the day that’s kevin day and he has finally done it. he has gotten the medal and it’s literally going to be a historic moment.
andrew makes his way to kevin’s side and he helps kevin take off his gloves like he has done many times before. andrew wants to say something, maybe a remark that will get under kevin’s skin— but then he looks at kevin’s expression and he realises this is all they’ve been building up to for the past years.
and it’s not just kevin who has won the golden medal right now. it’s him too. his team. their team. and they’re all a bit speechless and astonished by this moment. so andrew helps kevin up and neither of them say a word to each other just yet, but kevin feels andrew’s weight shifting into him too— they’re both leaning onto each other; they’re both holding each other up.
rare sight: a peaceful afternoon
I’ve decided that once Kevin gets comfortable with casual affection, he becomes a kisser. He kisses everyone. Cheeks, foreheads, tops of heads (lots of this because everyone is so short). Goodbye kisses, greeting kisses, excited kisses. He likes the softness and intimate nature of the act. Likes that he can have this kind of affection with people, and it stays entirely innocent. The only person who doesn’t get kisses is Andrew, and he is bitter about it, but only Neil knows. Kevin’s never wanted to ask because he didn't want to make Andrew feel uncomfortable but also because he didn’t want to face that kind of rejection. He doesn’t have to, though, because one day after Kevin’s given Neil a quick peck on the top of his head, which Neil hardly even notices anymore, Andrew places himself in front of Kevin expectantly and glares. Kevin freezes, thinking Andrew is no longer okay with Kevin kissing his boyfriend, but when Kevin looks at Neil, he just pats his head and gives a quick thumbs up. Mimes out, “Yes or no?” Kevin asks, “Andrew, can I kiss your head?” To which Andrew replies, like an adult, “I don’t know, can you?” Kevin rolls his eyes and asks again, “Yes or no, asshole” Andrew nods in the affirmative and so Kevin leans down and softly kisses the top of Andrew’s head. When he pulls away, he watches Andrew for any signs that he’s messed it up but is met with Andrew’s blank, unaffected face. “Boring,” Andrew finally says, and it almost stops Kevin’s heart because there it is, the rejection he fears. Only Andrew steps closer and grabs the front of Kevin’s shirt. “Kiss me for real.” Neil nods encouragingly behind Andrew with both thumbs up, so Kevin does what he’s told. Now, Kevin still gives kisses. Cheeks and foreheads and tops of heads but also lips, and necks and shoulders too.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it."
It's too cold outside, I wanna join their warm and cozy hugs :"
I finished aftg this week and I'm not ok, so I present aftermath Kevin Day but with hair grown out??
My thoughts behind the drawing under more ❗️spoilers for King's Men (last book)❗️
Kevin after Riko's death. Kevin attending the private funeral despite every horrible thing as a last goodbye, maybe out of spite, maybe to reassure himself the king is dead, maybe out of actual grief, either way he arrives, paying his respects ...
A list of things kevin does for neil post-evermore
Wakes up on the raven schedule with him so when he waits in his dorm he isn't alone and kevin can help him figure out the time
Casually reminds neil of the time, so he knows he isnt losing time anymore
Let's neil be extra harsh on him in team practice when hes cleared play, cause none of the others would understand raven playing.
Helps ease neil back into non-nest food (I hc they had ridiculously strict diets there)
Mindlessly shares clothes & food with Neil because ravens share everything
Helps him take care of that tattoo - ensure it wouldn't get infected
Right after Neil gets back from evermore he finds himself looking over his shoulder for jean everywhere he goes and his vaguely anxious when he finds no one there. Without out saying anything kevin falls in to place right behind neil on his left side right behind him. Close enough that if neil leans back he can feels Kevin's chest and not for the first time since evermore he is grateful.
Hey. Psst. You. Yes, you. You, who thinks that Andrew choking Kevin for Neil is sweet and romantic.
Yes, please, come closer.
*slams a rolled up newspaper on your face*
No.
It's not romantic. It's not sweet. It's not proof of Andrew's undying care and love for Neil. It's Andrew, going back on his promise to protect Kevin. It's Andrew, choking someone who trusted him and who had already been betrayed and abused by a person he once trusted in the past.
Loving a character doesn't mean you can't recognise they've made mistakes and shitty things. Especially when it comes to the AFTG ones.
Synchronization of horrors.
It had to happen one day. Jean sees flashes of other people's hands in front of his eyes, shying away from Kevin's soothing touch. All he can do is squeeze out a pathetic "no" on the verge of hysteria rising to his throat.
Jeremy is at Moreau's side at the same moment. He has seen how him lives through such attacks, and knows what to do. Kevin steps back, allowing Jeremy to sit Jean down on a chair. It is not easy for him to realize that he can do nothing to help his second beloveds who has survived violence.
Andrew and Jean are inherently very similar. They wrest control from the world. On bad days, Andrew only lets Neil in, and Jean only lets Jeremy in. No exceptions. They are their safe place. Fair enough, considering these are the people who managed to figure them out faster than anyone else.
Synchronizing their shared nightmares is maddening. Neither Andrew nor Jean like to show their vulnerability, and these days they try to avoid each other, going in different directions. They literally trigger at the sight of each other.
This day is just one of those when Kevin wants to burst into tears from impotence. The horrors of the past overtake his guys at the same time. Word for word, and Andrew does not hold back with words, in fact, like Jean.
It hurts.
It opens up old wounds.
Neil crawls out of his and Andrew's room. He does not approach them, pausing in the doorway. Jeremy shakes his head, and Neil realizes that neither he nor Kev have anything to do here. He pulls Day away by the edge of a home stretched T-shirt. The sound of shuffling footsteps hangs unpleasantly in the atmosphere of a quiet house.
"How's Andrew?" Kevin asks, and Neil shrugs vaguely.
The exact answer is: in the abyss of nightmares, mired in the swamp of the rolling past. Neil doesn't say that. If Minyard wants to, he will tell everything himself.
Kevin accepts Josten's silence. They curl up together on the sofa in the living room, clinging to each other like drowning people. The Ravens destroyed Jean. The system destroyed Andrew. Their hastily glued fragments cut painfully and without warning not only them.
Neil wraps his arm around Day's waist, looking oceans of pupils into his eyes. The storm hides inside him, infecting Kevin with quiet anger.
"It's so fucked up, Kev."
The muffled sound of French deafens them both. They would give anything not to understand fragments of Jean's panic attacks in his native language. It's scary. Details of the horrors of his past.
Kevin nudges Neil lightly in the back.
"Maybe you should go to Andrew. He needs you a lot more than I do."
Neil isn't moving anywhere. Andrew asked for space, and he's giving it to him. After all, who is he to violate his boundaries? He's much more useful here, next to a completely lost Kevin.
About how Kerejeandreils cope with their traumas
Jean often has nightmares on his bad days. When the boundaries of anxiety grow to an exorbitant size, he go to Jeremy.
Neil's triggers can be triggered by any little thing (words; sudden movements). Of course, he won't admit that he's not okay, but Andrew doesn't need to say anything. He himself will take Neil away from everyone, where they will smoke in silence.
Kev may not eat for weeks and lock himself in a room, but that doesn't mean the guys won't find a way to get to him. Their sunny boy just picks the lock, but no one comes in until Kevin himself lets them in.
That's how they find out that Jeremy didn't have a sweet life either. And even if his teenage riots and escapes from home are not the nightmare that the guys had to go through, his problem are not devalued.
Andrew never talks about his bad days. He is a defender, and it behooves him to be strong and not show weakness. This delusion, which he has convinced himself of, doesn't suit Knox, so Minyard can no longer ignore his condition.
Jean asks Andrew to teach him how to fight with knives. This is far from the best way to deal with trauma to rape, but Minyard agrees to help with the only condition: Jean will sign up for a session with Bee. If necessary, they will go to it together.
Neil's "I'm fine" eventually loses weight completely in their company. Everyone understands that this is utter nonsense.
One day, after a grueling interview, Kevin just finds Jeremy and lies with him in silence for several hours. He was tired. It infuriates him how journalists try to get into his personal life. He feels bad. But next to Jer, everything gets a little better.
Evenings Andrew barricades himself in the kitchen, devoting himself to cooking. Maybe it's stupid, but that's how he calms the demons in his head.
Neil, stepping over his fears, takes Jean by the hand, and runs his palm over his scars. He doesn't avoid touching, unlike Andrew, but this is also an important step forward. Especially after what happened in the Nest.
They're not fine, but it's okay. They overcome their demons together.
Kevin Day One-Shot
This is a little snippit of Kevin’s first couple of weeks living in dorms after leaving the nest (pre- the foxhole court). I’m just trying to get a grasp of Kevin and Andrew’s dynamic in the beginning and ended up writing a k about Kevin trying to cook eggs for the first time. I’m operating on the assumption that Kevin’s life was pretty strictly controlled in the nest.
CW: Discussion of disordered eating | food insecurity
Kevin was frozen in the kitchen and wasn’t that annoying. The pan was slowly getting hotter, the bottom burning some dark substance encrusted to the stove top where someone, probably Nicky had spilled something without bothering to clean up. The scent made him sick. He knew he should probably pour some oil in the pan or atleast take it off the heat so the non-stick coating wouldn’t be ruined, or at least that’s what Renne told him two weeks ago. The pan was smoking now.
A soft shuffling came from the doorway behind him. The sound didn’t startle him but the presence of another body was enough to break his trance, and he grabbed the pan with his right hand, moving it off the heat. Later, when Kevin met Neil and then Nathaniel and then Neil again, Kevin would learn how to be alone but for now he let himself be relieved at another person’s breathing softening the silence. People were Kevin’s first vice, before the vodka and maybe even before exy. He wasn’t certain that he existed when he was alone, sure that his body would disappear if no one’s eyes were constantly holding it down from slowly seeping away into the floorboards of the court and making sure his body was still made of flesh and bones instead of nylon lace and hardened plastic. The night time glow streaming through the window was an unfamiliar blue instead of red and wasn’t this whole thing annoying.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Andrew’s voice was rough with sleep.
Kevin turned to him, hyper aware of his muscles forming the lost expression on his face. He was never good at hiding his reactions, especially from Riko, never from Riko. When Keven didn’t say anything, Andrew just stared back at him, unmedicated expression blank.
After a while, Andrew hummed and walked around the counter into the kitchen. He didn’t look at Kevin as he grabbed the vegetable oil from its place on the second shelf. Kevin didn’t move even as Andrew reached across him, maintaining his prescribed two inches of space between skin, to grab the pan which was sitting uselessly on the cold backburner (And wasn’t that funny) and sit it back on the still hot burner. He turned the knob to medium heat. Reaching into the fridge, Andrew moved aside Nicky’s half full jug of orange juice and a couple beers to grab Kevin’s carton of eggs. It was full - he had just bought it today.
He hadn’t even been planning to buy them. The Palmetto student athlete contract included full access to a dining plan with a wide variety of balanced nutritional options for him to properly fuel his body for exy. He had no reason to use the kitchen in their shared dorm room, but he had walked past the over priced campus grocery store on his way back from class and stopped. A sickening buzz of adrenaline had clawed its way up his throat when he pushed open the door. Entering a grocery store felt like falling off a cliff, the little door bell his last warning before free fall, and didn’t that just make Kevin want to break something. Instead he bought a carton of eggs at a 200% markup and now they sat on the counter in his dorm room kitchen at 2 in the morning. The nest didn’t have a kitchen.
Andrew grabbed an egg, still in silence, and expertly cracked it against the edge of the counter, then unceremoniously dropping the contents of the egg into the pan. He did this three more times in quick succession. They stood shoulder to shoulder listening to the sizzling cracking sound of the oil, not looking at each other. After about a minute or two, Andrew seemed to deem the eggs as “done”, though Kevin didn’t know how Andrew could know, seeing as he didn’t even set a timer. He divided the eggs onto two plates. Two for himself and two for Kevin. Andrew walked over to the table and sat his plate in front of himself and then slid the other plate with perfect precision to rest in front of the seat across from him. The plate made sure to make a mocking scraping sound on the way over to its destination.
Andrew devoured his eggs in seemingly two bites and then finally raised his eyes to meet Kevin’s. In the dim kitchen they were impossibly dark, not a hint of their usual gold. Kevin dropped the eye contact, he regretted it instantly and stared down at his eggs, ears burning.
The thing was that Kevin hadn’t planned this far ahead. He’d already tried to make eggs twice. Once as soon as he had gotten back from class, still riding whatever nauseating delusion that had caused him to go into the store in the first place. He quickly realized that he didn’t know what temperature you were supposed to cook eggs at: was it a slow cook at low heat or a fast fry at high heat? And once the eggs start cooking, how long do you leave them for? And maybe he should separate out the yolks and just use the egg whites? His neck had started heating up and his knuckles turned white around the spatula, trying to stop himself from snapping it, not that he really cared if he broke the cousins’s shitty dollar store spatula. He ended up watching an old exy game instead.
The second time, he made it as far as the fridge, before he realized he was wasting time. He wasn’t at Palmetto state to make eggs. He went back to his dorm bed to do some grip strengthening exercises and review some outlines he’d made for the team’s Friday practice.
So now he was sitting staring at two fried eggs with round unbroken yokes glaring back at him and for some reason he couldn’t even remember if he really liked eggs. He took a bite anyway, knife scratching against the ceramic plate in the silence. He met Andrew’s eyes again, still engulfed in darkness. Andrew sneered at him. He tilted his chair back, resting on the back two legs and lazily nodded his head towards the kitchen. Bored. Always bored.
“Don’t forget to clean up.”
Kevin scowled at Andrew’s retreating form. Kevin didn’t finish his eggs, simply scraping them into the garbage, but he did clean up. Afterall, Kevin was well practiced at existing in a shared space, even if he could count the times he’s had to wash dishes on one hand.
Andrew didn’t do anything and he didn’t want anything. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. But he made him eggs. Kevin knew he was getting distracted - he’s been unfocused for a while. This is why the nest operated with strict rules and clear outlines with harsh but immediate consequences. Without a structure, he started trying to build meaning out of groceries. He thought about Andrew’s dark eyes and how they looked like dark rooms and he felt nauseous again. After he finished cleaning, Kevin always completed his work, he grabbed the entire carton of eggs and dumped the whole thing in the trash.
some rambling about Kevin from Andrew’s pov -
Kevin’s first addiction was other people. He was hooked long before he ever tasted the burn of liquor. To be alone was to slip into a sudden feverish withdrawal, hands splayed out and grasping for another hit. He detested other people, yet crawled after the mirage of connection like a dying man to water, finding refuge in the shade of another. Andrew blamed Kayleigh for the pathetic habit - 9 years of that pure high from unconditional love only to leave Kevin hooked on the cheap stuff, a pale imitation cut with a violence that was slowly killing him.
Andrew wishes he could go back in time and press the thin tip of his blade up into the soft spot right between Kayleigh’s ribs and make it known that Kevin would never end up in the Nest. Exy be damned. But Andrew can’t, so he’s stuck dealing with the fall out of Kevin’s addiction, forever forced to pacify shaking hands with platitudes of protection. (And he wouldn’t lie to himself and say that there wasn’t a safety in knowing Kevin couldn’t leave). Because what was their deal if not the impossibility that Kevin would stop needing him wagered against the certainty that Andrew would never want anything enough to make him go - both of them satisfied with terms that could never be fulfilled. Andrew had been flinching desperately, trying to catch his own shadow moving without him, but safe in the knowledge that it never would. In the end, Kevin was the one who left. Or maybe Andrew told him to go. It was hard to keep track.
Sometimes you have to beg your best friend to leave the only place he’s called home since his mother died because he will not survive if he stays - even if that means leaving you. Sometimes you have to mop up your best friend’s blood and try not to look at bone sticking out of skin. Sometimes you have to convince your bestfriend that the person he loves (the person you hate more than anything) does not love him and will never love him and never did love him because love doesn’t look like sacrificing someone else’s dream for the sake of your own pride. Sometimes you have to let your best friend go even though it might end with you soaked in your own blood because you know that you were always stronger than him and you can endure it - you have to endure it. Sometimes you are Jean Moreau and you are very very alone.
sometimes when I wanna make my self sad I just think about how the choking incident was quite possibly the most devastating way for Andrew and Kevin's deal to end
Okay so in my last Kevin post, I mentioned I have analysis' on how Kevin isn't a coward and how his trauma still affects him and you guys wanted to read it so here!
Why Kevin Day Isn’t a Coward:
Essentially this comes down to 3 specific points in the fandom and even in the books since people are very adamant about the whole coward thing. The two things that people (in book and fandom-wise) use to argue that Kevin is a coward are:
Kevin is still afraid/ doesn’t stand up to Riko
That he left Jean behind in the nest.
Starting off with the first point. Kevin is still afraid and doesn’t stand up to Riko for the majority of the books. Firstly, we need to understand that Kevin has been abused from an extremely young age in the Nest and was conditioned into thinking that kind of behaviour was normal. And by that I mean specifically Riko’s abuse but before that, it was Coach Moriyama that abused both of them.
He was stuck in the Nest for over a decade where his only role was “property” the entire time. That was all he would ever be to them and additionally to that, he wasn’t even allowed to be better than Riko. His entire life from the very start has been about exy but it was only after his mothers death where it became life or death.
During tfc when Neil finds out how Kevin’s hand really broke Wymack says “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it."
He wasn’t raised to have anything else, exy is quite literally his everything, and without it, he has nothing and nobody. In this same scene, Wymack says, “Kevin doesn't talk about his time at Evermore, but I could tell it wasn't the first time Riko or Moriyama laid a hand on him. It was just the first time Kevin was smart enough to pack his bags and walk away.”
We never find out in detail what exactly happened to Kevin in the Nest but in TRK when Neil goes there we can see how deluded and obsessed Riko is with Kevin.
Neil moved up alongside him and regretted it almost immediately. Postcards of faraway cities both foreign and domestic were taped to the walls. Beneath each one were scraps of paper. Kevin's now-familiar scrawl listed dates and explanations for the travels. Most of them were games. Some indicated photo shoots and interviews. Books lined the shelves built into the headboard and Neil knew from skimming the spines they were Kevin's. Kevin was majoring in history for reasons Neil couldn't understand; these dry titles were the sorts of things he would find fascinating. It gave Neil chills to see his space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he'd transferred to another team entirely.
Riko is so sure that Kevin is going to come back to him because he’s instituted such fear into him, he doesn’t think Kevin has the strength to stand up to him. Which he does, but people don’t seem to realise you can’t undo over a decade's worth of trauma overnight.
Anyway, during Neil’s time in the Nest, he’s treated very similarly to how Kevin would be considering he was in his place but also not as harsh because they had to send Neil back to the Foxes inevitably.
"I am going to love hurting you," Riko said, "like I loved hurting Kevin."
What follows this is Riko tying Neil down and torturing him with a switchblade. By the time Neil leaves the Nest he doesn’t remember anything from the experience- he was so traumatised by it that he doesn’t remember it at all. (It also kinda sucks how Neil gets more sympathy for being in the nest for 2 weeks than Kev did for being there for over a decade.)
Putting this into perspective, Kevin went through that for so much longer and doesn’t get nearly enough of the same sympathy Neil did. Neil returned and Kevin got punched for letting him go even though he tried persuading Neil not to. Kevin has always had Neil’s best interest at heart.
Kevin shook his head and bulled on when Neil started to argue. "The master wants to salvage you. He's going to sign you to the Raven lineup in spring. So long as you keep quiet and keep your head down he won't tell the main family he's found you." "I'm not a Raven," Neil said. "I never will be." "Then run," Kevin insisted, low and frantic. "It's the only way you'll survive."
Kevin was willing to sacrifice the only chance he had to prove his autonomy to the Moriyamas if it meant Neil would be safe. Without Neil, they wouldn’t have enough players to qualify and they wouldn’t be able to play at all. (Again: “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it.")
Not to mention the whole “Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, "You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in Neil's potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil's best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation.
And even after that, he promised to teach Neil, because at the end of the day, Neil was still Neil and he never gave up on him once.
And Neil understood that being on the run for 8 years was more preferable to the Nest.
“But all Neil had to do was look at Kevin to know he would have hated that life
too.”
Sorry I kinda went off track there anyway we can also see how much Riko’s presence still affects Kevin especially in scenes like the Kathy Ferdinand show.
“Any animosity Neil felt toward Kevin for forcing him onto this show evaporated. He couldn't be angry when Riko was here, not when Riko was to Kevin what Neil's father was to him. Petty anger had nothing on this full-fledged terror.”
Obviously, we all know what a dickhead Neil’s dad was to him so Neil comparing the fear of his father being similar to Kevin’s fear of Riko is so important because it just puts into perspective how afraid Kevin is here face-to-face with his abuser the first time since said abuser permanently disabled him.
But what I don’t think is that Kevin has been standing upto Riko since the start because right after this when they were backstage, Kevin physically stopped Riko from hurting Neil even if it meant getting hurt by Riko again.
A black look twisted Riko's expression into something ugly and unrecognizable. He reached for Neil, but Kevin caught his arm to stop him. Riko slammed his elbow back into Kevin's face without missing a beat.
This scene is probably the best to describe how downright afraid Kevin is of Riko but there are others when Kevin has multiple panic attacks at just the thought of Riko or being in the same vicinity as him and rightfully so! Riko abused him, manipulated him and then took away the only thing he had. And Kevin was just forced to think this was okay.
And a lot of characters and fans see his fear as cowardice instead of a normal trauma response. This is also because Neil tends to speak out more against Riko than Kevin (You know I get it…) but unlike Neil, Kevin has had direct repercussions towards him for the “mistake” of talking back to Riko which of course makes him hesitant.
He knows the Moriyamas could drag him back at any moment and he's terrified of that happening.
Which leads to the second bit of “Kevin doesn’t stand up to Riko.” when many times, he has.
The most prominent example is in TRK, just after the foxes lost their first match to the ravens.
“You have fallen so far, Kevin. You should have stayed down and saved us the trouble of forcing you back to your knees." "I'm satisfied," Kevin said. It was the last response any of the Foxes expected from him. They forgot about Riko in favor of gaping at Kevin. "Not with their score or performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There's more than enough here for me to work with."
Kevin chose the foxes over the ravens- over Riko. He doesn’t allow their loss to become something Riko can use against him but instead something to affirm his current standing with them. This is also the first game Andrew played without his meds meaning he’s crashed by the end of it.
Kevin distracted the Ravens from Andrew's unsteadiness by facing them.
Kevin willingly turned to talk to his ex-abuser and his team if it meant Andrew wouldn’t be under fire. Most people only see Kevin and Andrew as Andrew protecting Kevin but Kevin protected Andrew just as much.
And of course we have the whole tattoo removal and the last exy match against the foxes but I need everyone to understand that those are so so so important. Kevin spent the entire series save the last quarter of the last book viewing himself as Riko’s property. Riko refers to him as such and even without Riko near him, his control is still strong over Kevin.
So Kevin removing his tattoo and replacing it with something with a higher hierarchical structure than Riko’s status as king is so detrimental, it’s a turning point for him because he’s viewing himself as his own person now. And Kevin scoring the winning goal brings us full circle because the last time he did that with Riko, he ended up disabled and shunned.
This brings me to my second point about Kevin running away from the nest. Alot of people see Kevin escpaing from the nest and leaving behind Jean as an act of cowardice. This bit gets a bit complicated because in no way shape or form am I trying to compare trauma’s or anything like that.
But to continue on. The ravens had a very strict policy that we got to see during Neil's experience one of which being that no matter how injured they were, they were still expected to show up to practice. The more mistakes they made the more punishment they'd find themselves in. Not showing was practically a death wish.
Now Kevin having his hand fucking broken would mean thay either he doesn't practise and get punished or practise with his fucked up hand and further damage it. If he stayed I wholeheartedly believe he would've died.
He ran away to save his life and that will never be cowardice not once. He didn't go to Wymack immediately when he found out because he knew what kind of target he'd paint on Wymacks back.
"He was trying to protect him," Neil said. "If Coach knew Kevin was his son, he'd have tried to take him from Edgar Allan." Nicky grimaced. "They'd have never let Kevin go."
He only left when he had no other option. He had nothing left, the one thing he did have was taken away from him, he had no purpose and for once Riko didn't care enough about him to pay attention. And he used that to run.
Leaving Jean behind was something he always regretted, but it was a game of survival. Jean was a gift to the Moriyamas, he was also property to them and couldn't leave. And if the roles were reversed I strongly believe Jean would've done the same thing.
Also Kevin finds a place for him layer with the trojans because he knew that being a fox wouldn't be good for him.
"He isn't safe with us," Kevin said. "I won't give him false hope."
Staying in the nest would've been suicide for Kevin. He's one of the biggest victims in the series but nobody talks about it enough I fear and there's so much to learn about him via context clues etc.
And the saddest thing in my opinion is that Kevin knew was it was like to be loved, he was raised by his mother for a few years before going to the Moriyamas.
ANYWAY to conclude, I suck at essays and I hope I've worded everything well and what I'm trying to say gets across. Kevin is not a coward, never has been a coward and never will be. He's survived through such a damaging and abusive environment only to get moved to a separate environment where everyone just ridicules his defense tactics and he has no real sense of support.
His reasons for what he does always stems from the fact the he doesn't want to go back to being under Riko and Coach Moriyamas "care" and that he's afraid. And most of the time it's things he can't shake from the nest.
Like when he pushes the foxes its so they're always at their best and so none of them get hurt or punished for mistakes. He pushed himself the hardest because he doesn't want to directly affect his teammates.
Or the celebrity persona he was forced to develop.
Or how he makes sure everyone is staying healthy and that they don't force themselves to play when sick or injured because he knows what it's like to be forced to play like that day after day.
AND IVE GONE OFF COURSE AGAIN yeah I kinda mashed together both analysis' of how Kevin's trauma from the nest affects him and how he's not a coward into one thing AND THIS IS SUPER LONG so if ur still here thank you very much for reading I really hope this makes sense
Ooops
First it was Neil and Jean but the thought of Andrew kept me up so
I really love them…
Kerejeandreil, Andrew's car and a little hot softness.
At first, by default, only Drew drives the Maserati (and sometimes Neil on the rights of the person who paid for this car).
The front seat next to the driver is forever Neil's. Andrew just won't get behind the wheel if Josten isn't around.
Kevin can be indignant and deny for a long time, but he likes to ride in the back seat between Jeremy and Jean.
But there were exceptions when he changed places with someone (like, for example, the time when Jean had a panic attack right on the way, and he wouldn't let anyone near him except Knox; or when Andrew nearly passed out after driving for too long and Neil was filling in for him).
Jean always sits by the window, because he likes to watch the passing landscapes.
One day Andrew lets Day take the keys to car.
"If something happens to the baby Mas, you will explain to Josten yourself why I need a new car!", Minyard squints his eyes, poking at him with his finger.
"I'll be fine," Day sighs. "I promise, okay? I'll return the car in one piece in the evening."
Jeremy asks Minyard to teach him how to drive a car.
Andrew initially refuses, but then decides to take a chance.
"That's enough, I've had enough", the car almost blows off at the turn, Andrew manages to grab the steering wheel at the last moment. "Get out of there."
This is the very moment when Knox almost flew into a pole, endangering their lives. Some people are just born to be pedestrians.
"I'm sorry," Knox whispers this an infinite number of times, and Andrew realizes that he is in state of shock .
"It's okay, baby," Andrew gently puts his palms on his cheeks, turning to himself after nonverbal consent. "No one was hurt."
No one except Andrew (and, probably, Neil) knows this.
They don't talk about this situation, but Knox's desire to get behind the wheel disappears completely.
They have Kevin instead of a navigator.
Jean is responsible for the music. Needless to say, French songs sound mostly from the radio?)
Andrew doesn't care about speed limits, so fines become an integral part of their existence.
It pisses Kevin off because he cares about their reputation.
Jean likes to sit on the hood, throwing back his head, and look at the stars.
Usually at such moments the guys lose Jean, but in the end everyone gathers at the car.
"Look, guys," Moreau pokes at a random piece of sky. "There's the constellation Cygnus."
"That's not," Kevin denies, climbing onto the hood next to Jean.
Kev ruffles the Frenchman's hair and then lays his head comfortably on his lap.
"Like kids," Andrew grumbles, wrapping his arms around Neil's waist.
Jeremy bends down and jokes in Jean's ear that they can repeat the very scene of Rose and Jack from Titanic.
Andrew assure that this is a bad idea.
"Well, when I caught you, you didn't look unhappy," Kevin laughs contagiously.
"Shut up, Day. It really brings little pleasure," Andrew rolls his eyes.
Neil nods, kissing Jean on the neck.
Moreau gives Neil more space, lazily turning around, than opens access to the protruding collarbones.
"In the movies it looks beautiful, but in fact there is too little space in car to make love," Neil agrees with Minyard, recalling their recent experiments in the car.
Jean groans strangled, throwing up his hands, and blindly finds the back of Josten's head, pulling him to himself.
They merge in a lingering kiss, and even Andrew, who can be surprised by little, sticks to this scene.
"Jesus," Jeremy hides his face in his hands, embarrassed. "Are you, guys, serious?"
"Ye-e-eah," Kev pulls him by the edge of his T-shirt to himself. "Or do you have something against, pretty boy?"
Jeremy thinks, that his boyfriends have no language filter (and no conscience either).
Andrew lights a cigarette, feeling that they will not be able to sleep that night.
A little bit about one of the nights "kerejeandreil"
Jeremy is only one among them who does not have nightmares at all, but he knows when they sneak up on his loved ones.
He doesn't sleep at night.
It's best not to approach Neil and Andrew in a dream, so Jeremy just waits for them to leave the room.
Jeremy smiles as he hands Andrew a mug of hot chocolate. Neil notices the bruises under his eyes and frowns. Drew finds out about it too, because they have no secrets from each other.
Andrew grumbles, "Are you sleeping at all?", falling on the next edge of the sofa. Jeremy waves him off, but Neil comes over and puts Jeremy's head on the pillow.
The quiet tread of footsteps breaks the silence that has arisen, and Andrew reflexively tenses up, preparing to defend his guys.
"C'est juste moi", Jean mutters, rolling the growling sounds of his native French on his tongue.
In the doorway, Neil notices Kevin, who slides towards them after Jean.
Andrew puts his finger to his lips, silently says them not to make noise.
Neil runs his fingers through Jeremy's dozing hair.
"He didn't sleep again?", Kevin asks quietly, placing his palms on the back of the sofa behind Andrew.
"Again?", Neil frowns, tossing his head.
Jean leaves and returns a couple of seconds later with a blanket, covering his boyfriend with it.
"Oh, you didn't know?", Moreau mutters confusedly. "We all have nightmares from time to time, and… mon soleil feels obliged to be around at such moments."
Andrew shakes his head disapprovingly, tucking the blanket under Jeremy's feet. It's such a small thing compared to what huge chunks of himself Knox tears off for their well-being.
Jeremy turns over in his sleep, getting comfortable, and Neil's hand freezes in his hair.
Kevin sits down on the floor at Neil's feet, intertwining his fingers with the Trojan.
Andrew pats his ankle reassuringly: "It's okay, go back to sleep, I'll look after them here."
Jean settles into the chair opposite, humming a French lullaby. At the sound of his voice, they all begin to feel sleepy.
"To bed?", asks Neil, looking sleepily at Drew.
Andrew looks down at Kevin, whose head is comfortably perched on the hip of their junkie, and it seems to Jean that a shadow of a sincere smile appears on Minyard's lips.
"Not today", Andrew says, planting a chaste kiss on Neil's cheek.
Neil shrugs and settles down next to Jeremy, trying not to disturb Kevin.
Jean hides his smile behind the spine of the book, intending to start reading from where he left off, but a hand in armbands pulls it out of his hands.
Jeremy, Neil and Kevin are already snuffling on the couch in an incomprehensible mess.
Andrew folds his arms over his chest, bowing his head: "It's time to go to sleep, Moreau."
Jean looks back at him, squinting: "A kiss before going to sleep?", Andrew looks down, clearly considering the offer, and Jean excitedly adds: "If you want, of course."
"That's acceptable to me", he nods, but he considers it necessary to clarify so as not to harm. "And for you? It's okay if you don't want to do it… after the Nest."
Jean hesitates, not finding what to say. Andrew doesn't often show such emotions to them, Neil knows him much better.
"I think… yes, I want you to kiss me. I trust you", Jean doesn't expect tenderness from him, but Andrew manages to surprise him in this aspect as well.
The way Andrew gently bends over him, crossing the border, remains forever in Jean's memory. "Still yes?"
The moment of intimacy with Andrew is especially precious, because this gesture means trust. "Always yes."
Andrew grins at him on the lips. "Hey, don't be a thief, that's Neil's phrase."
Waking up Jeremy tries not to breathe, watching the unfolding scene. When Andrew kisses Jean, he can't help but chuckle contentedly.
Jean's confused "good night" dissolves into silence.
Andrew returns to the sofa, encountering a contented look from a barely awake Knox: "Sleep, California boy."
Jeremy nods, closing his eyes again, but mentally makes a note to discuss what happened with his boyfriends in the morning.
Do you have any Kevandreil headcanons?
yes!!
I wasn’t sure if this meant like getting-together Kevandreil or established relationship Kevandreil, but I hope you enjoy!
When they sleep together (it happens, sometimes, when Andrew isn’t having one of his bad days and they’re all too tired to worry about how they’re going to have to squish to fit 3 on the dorm beds) Neil is always in the middle, bordered by Kevin and Andrew. He’s in fetal position, back to Andrew and head tucked into Kevin’s chest. Kevin sleeps like the dead, one arm behind his head, legs tangling. Andrew sleeps kinda tucked into himself, back to the wall and farther away from the others but close enough to have his hand under Neil’s pillow, fingers just barely grazing Kevin’s bicep. Sometimes Neil wakes up gasping and reaching for a gun. Sometimes Andrew wakes up in a cold sweat, beating anything that touches him. And sometimes it’s Kevin, who startles awake and won’t talk, eyes squeezed shut and lips silently counting in French. Sometimes it’s bad. But they make it work
Kevin doesn’t come up to the roof with them a lot, but that’s okay. Neil and Drew have the roof. Kevin and Neil have the court. Drew and Kevin have the gym. It’s never a competition, who can get the most time with who. They know where to find each other, where to go to be alone, who they can talk to and who they can be quiet with. It’s familiar, it’s routine, and it’s safe.
Kevin and Neil fight constantly, about everything. It’s never about anything important, except that it is to them. They’ll be ready to throw hands over drills and at each other’s throats arguing about what to do for dinner. It’s ridiculous. Andrew hates them both 110%. Andrew and Kevin are somehow worse. They don’t scream like he does with Neil, but their fights are somehow more violent. Neil is an instigator. He’ll encourage arguements over petty shit (you really didn’t get Drew’s ice cream from the store? What the fuck, Kevin) because he’s an asshole and he likes watching his boyfriends roast each other. The fights never get bad, though. They’ve had enough bad fights to last the three of them a lifetime and there isn’t a point, anymore. They don’t need to use venom because the danger is behind them. Now when they fight it can be dramatic and arbitrary and over nothing. They know what lines not to cross and they don’t cross them, simple as that.
Kevin catches onto the “yes or no” thing pretty quickly. He uses it with Neil, even if Andrew isn’t there. Kevin and Neil don’t need it the same way Andrew does, but they both like the asking. Knowing that they’re in control and everything is consensual, no one does anything the other isn’t comfortable with. Andrew secretly really likes that they’re careful with each other, because even if they don’t need it, it’s there.
The other foxes thought they knew what they were getting into with Andreil. They thought they were ready. Well, ok, they didn’t know what to expect, but they thought they could handle it. And then they find out that it’s not just Andrew and Neil, it’s Andrew, Neil, and Kevin, and they don’t know what to do with that. Like, it makes sense. Kevin and Neil were so much alike but still somehow polar opposites, and the chemistry was there. And, to be honest, at least half of them saw it coming with Kevin and Andrew. They’d abandoned that train of thought when Neil happened, but come on, Andrew called dibs on Kevin. But still. That’s their captian (because, yes, Dan is definitely their team captain and they listen to her, but Kevin is like... not their dad, but he’s the authority figure, even if he’s a hot fucking mess and the most Dramatic Bitch to ever live) and their son and their Andrew.
Aaron doesn’t even react when he finds out. He looks from Andrew to Neil to Andrew to Kevin and just turns and walks out because fuck that, nope, he’s so over his brother’s love life. He already talked with Neil and that’s as involved as he would like to get, thanks. Katelyn would have a field day when she heard about this shit.
And you would think that since they’re all boyfriends and sickeningly in love in their own asshole-ish way, they’d get along so well at practice, right? A united front? Fucking wrong. Andrew hurls balls and Kevin and Neil because it’s amusing and sometimes just sits down in the goal to get them riled up. Kevin is at Neil’s throat constantly, always on his ass about something, and Neil gives back as good as he gets. Both of them patronize Andrew to put some effort into the game (and, he’ll never admit it, but they make some progress in that field, because as fun as it is to say no to them and see them get agitated, giving in feels pretty good too when they look at him like he hung the fucking moon just for swatting away a couple of balls, junkies) and it’s so confusing to the test of the team how these are the same people that Would Literally Die for each other (and have literally killed for each other)
Wymack is probably the first to realize about their little ot3 tbh. A vein bulges in his forehead and he might go into minor cardiac arrest, but he manages not to completely lose his shit. He looks at Kevin and tells him he trusts him to make his own choices. He looks at Neil and tells him that he trusts him to know what he’s doing with them. He looks at Andrew and tells him not to be such a little shit or he’s signing him up for a marathon at 6 in the goddamn morning, Minyard. The boys pretend that his approval doesn’t matter to them, but they’re all a little touched.
Nicky makes a comment that Andrew shouldn’t be able to call dibs on Kevin and Neil, and that he should share. Andrew gets very, very close to stabbing his cousin, but Matt and Neil were right there to haul him away and talk Andrew out of homicide
his swagless breakdowns have captivated me
People calling Kevin toxic for andriel are we reading the same series???
Did you miss Kevin taking care of Andrews's meds which is such a trusting thing on Andrew's behalf because he's gone his life doing things alone but now Kevin's offered to help and not interfere in Andrews's life and business and RESPECTING HIS BOUNDARIES???
Did you miss Kevin threatening Neil to tell him his actual condition and NOT the "I'm fine" bullshit he's constantly saying.
Did you miss Kevin being the FIRST person to see something in Andrew? Even before Neil did, not his cousin, not his brother not the system but Kevin fucking Day saw something in him and promised to give him something to structure his life around??? Kevin believed in him whether on not Andrew was on his meds.
Did you miss Kevin telling Neil to run away when he finds out his identity because he doesn't want Neil to be caught back up with the Moriyama's. It's too late for Kevin to escape, he's been under the limelight for years now and Exy is the only thing he'd been brought up to know. But he wanted Neil to run even if it meant the Foxes couldn't qualify to play he was willing to give up the thing cared most about to keep Neil safe.
"The day Kevin stops playing is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it." KEVIN WAS WILLING TO GIVE THAT UP FOR NEILS SAFETY.
Did you miss how Kevin purposefully feigned disinterest in Andrew when he was with the Raven's because he didn't want to drag Andrew into the nest??
Did you miss Kevin fucking Day grabbing Riko Moriyama's arm- his LITERAL abuser to stop him from hurting Neil?? Did you miss how Riko immediately hit Kevin back but it didn't stop Kevin from trying.
HELL I COULDN GO ON AND ON DO NOT FUCKING TRY THIS WITH ME Kevin saved Andrew and Neil just as much as they saved him goodnight
yoo your striker looks gnc af
chu chu 💘
my campain for everyone to read all for the game continues
these two, i’m… *shakes fist*
/check for some serious triggers before reading tho!/
matt & andrew friendship!!! (extension to this)
matt had a fairly easy time becoming friends with nicky, kevin, and aaron, mostly because once all the issues in their respective lives had been somewhat solved they were more open to branching out
andrew was another matter
matt was beginning to see andrew differently because of the way neil talked about him, and also because of the way renee was starting to talk about him (she used to be more private about their friendship)
hearing about andrew’s devotion to the people he cares about reminds matt a LOT of himself, so one day he finds him alone in the dorms and properly apologizes to him for how he used to be treated by the team
he makes it clear that he understands if andrew isn’t interested in being friends with them, but matt is willing to give it a try if he is
nothing happens for a few days, and then during practice renee calls matt over to join in on a “debate” she and andrew are having on their stroll around the court
matt has the earth shattering realization that andrew is hilarious
and not only does the man have some serious deadpan comedy going on, he’s also wildly intelligent and profound
(unbeknownst to him, andrew has also been hearing about matt from renee and neil, and perhaps….he is a little curious)
the other foxes are so weirded out because during practice matt will just be chilling next to andrew and then suddenly burst into laughter
neil is Very Happy about this
the two of them start having more one-on-one conversations, and they actually get along really well?? matt is a good listener, and he has this way of getting andrew to talk that surprises both of them
but they also very quickly master the art of just sitting in comfortable silence and keeping each other company while they both do homework or something
matt also figures out oh. andrew’s expression does change. you just have to look very closely. it’s all in the eyes!!
andrew, during rooftime, staring into space and Thinking Hard: “why the fuck does matt keep on staring at me”
neil, flicking gravel off the ledge, barely thinking at all: “he’s not staring he just wants to know how you feel”
andrew, realizing he’s gonna add a 6′4 himbo to his Protection List: “shit”
they have a very deep understanding of each other
there is more to matt than just the outgoing chaotic extroverted friend
he gets so deeply invested in his friends and sometimes it overwhelms him because he doesn’t know what to do!! he doesn’t know where to put all of his love for them!! kinda like that mary oliver poem
and he was so lonely growing up because both of his parents were pretty absent (but his relationship with his mom got stronger in middle school) and he always feels like he doesn’t deserve the foxes
so he quietly pours all of himself into them, into buying their favorite snacks when they’re sad, listening as they vent, giving them the last of his water at practice, just being the Ultimate Dad Friend
and andrew gets it. he really gets it.
in the girls’ senior year the team takes another road trip to a skiing lodge, and it is an absolutely perfect week of nothing but a good time
at some point matt mumbles something about needing to call his mom and disappears and andrew gives him like 5 minutes before he goes to check on him
matt is curled up with his earbuds in and trying to Deal With His Emotions because he knows nothing lasts forever but he wants it to last forever
he remembers the days when his parents were happy together and they were a proper family and how it can all fall apart overnight
andrew nudges him with his foot and he looks so unimpressed but matt knows better
“matthew. hey matthew. matthew donovan. matthew donovan boy-” “i’m fine just vibing” “if you think we are going to leave you then you are even stupider than i thought.”
they go back to the rest of their team together
their friendship quickly turns into a “YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE BUT WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?? ME!! I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!” type thing
and then it eventually becomes a “let’s take care of ourselves but together ❤” type thing
whenever one of his friends sits next to him, matt reflexively rests his arm along the back of their chair/the sofa
it’s not at all territorial or patronizing, it’s just his brain responding to friend is near!! and all the other foxes think it’s kinda funny
one day andrew sits down next to him in the lounge, and matt’s arm twitches, but he stops himself because he is always very mindful of other people’s boundaries
andrew, not looking up from his phone: “it’s fine.”
a photo of the two of them ends up on the lounge wall the next day, matt turning away to hide a giant grin with his arm chilling along the back of the couch, andrew’s expression flat but his body relaxed
matt says it’s probably his favorite photo
(neil agrees)