On That Path Carved From Grief
on that path carved from grief
Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice. But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother the longest out of everyone. Why can't he remember? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Word Count: 1666
Characters: Hakaze Kaoru & Hakaze Kaoru's Mother (Mentions of Kaoru's father and older siblings)
Tags: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Minor Character Death, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Pre-Canon, No Dialogue, Angst
※ i've decided to publicly posted this on ao3! the one i posted on ao3 is similar to this post, but i just edited some stuff and properly proofread it (because i originally wrote this while i was for real wallowing in my grief. shoutout to hakaze kaoru for being the character i always use to project my grief)
vent writing where i project my own experiences with grief to hakaze kaoru not because i am a kinnie because it's 3am and my anxiety started acting up. most of these experiences about kaoru and his mom were made up pls don't treat as canon hdjfkdhf they only canon kaoru thing here is he's good with housework and cooking!!!!!! vent post under the cut
WORD COUNT: 1660
Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice.
He worries about forgetting the smile she used to have on her face when he would tell her about the shells he found on the beach.
He worries that his mother's melodious laugh after his brother makes a joke would escape his mind at any moment.
He worries he would fail to remember combing her soft, silky blonde locks with his hands as he and his sister carelessly style their mother's hair into braids.
He worries when the feeling of having a mother to defend his actions while his father scolds him for acting too lax and foolish is starting to fade away.
Kaoru worries that, one day, he suddenly forgets.
He knows, however, there were moments after her passing that he will never forget:
Was it weird that he did not shed a tear the moment he knew his mother passed away?
Perhaps it was because, hours prior he found out about his mother's passing, he finally had the courage to engage in a conversation with his classmates. Perhaps the brief feeling of happiness that bursted within him throughout the school hours was too overwhelming that he couldn't bring himself to feel sad.
But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother longer than his classmates. Why didn't he cry? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Was it wrong that he didn't understand what “being dead” means?
He was a middle school student when his mother passed — not a kid anymore. Shouldn't he have understood what death means? Couldn't he see his mother's lifeless body kept inside the open casket during her wake? Didn't he realize the hushed murmurs from the guests, ranging from: “poor kids, their mother left them too soon,” to “what will happen to their family now?” while his sister sobs through the microphone, in a poor attempt to talk about their mother? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he?
Kaoru worries that, one day, these too are something he suddenly forgets.
Loud wailing and sobbing echoed around the graveyard as his mother’s casket was being lowered down. Kaoru, however, has barely shed a tear.
But isn't that weird? There was no doubt that he was his mother's favorite. So why hasn't he cried since her death up until her burial?
As soil covered up his mother's casket, it was only then when Kaoru had felt something — yet that unfamiliar feeling, he knew, was not pain.
Kaoru knew that pain was supposed to make you wake up in the middle of the night to cry, it was supposed to make your heart tighten while you see something that reminds you of your late loved one, it was supposed to make you scream and destroy objects knowing that you can't do anything about what had happened in the past that made you feel so much in pain.
In that moment, however, Kaoru merely felt nothing. It was as if an empty void was suddenly attached within him. Memories of his mother didn't leave immediately, they were still a part of him even as her casket was completely covered in soil. But the moment his father uttered the words: “goodbye,” it was then when he understood what death truly meant. The emptiness within him started to feel heavy as he stared at the soil where his mother is kept underneath. He suddenly became aware of the loud cries from his brother as he clutched his chest, yelling for their mother in the empty sky, and his sister's uncontrollable sobbing as she softly called for their mother. Kaoru should have understood this earlier. He should have. He should have. He should have. He should have.
The Hakaze house is silent when they return. His sister hurries to the kitchen, still in tears, to cook food for dinner because who will make pancakes now that mother is gone? His brother pats his head, tells him to not worry about the household chores and focus on his school work first because who will clean his room now that mother is gone? His father heads to store mother’s collection of seashells and marine life books in a spare room because who will use them now that mother is gone?
His family are on the first step of moving on from their mother's death, but how can Kaoru move on along with them when it was only at this moment that everything started to sink in. “Goodbye,” continues to loop inside of his head like a broken music player as he stands still in the middle of their house. Goodbye, mother. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
A year after his mother's death, Kaoru cries — sobs alone in his room. Tears flow out from his eyes as he sobs in his pillow, what a shame, he had just changed the pillow cover the other night because of the same reason. Kaoru sobs alone in the house; his father is still out working, his brother has moved out from their house and lives somewhere in the city, and his sister is busy with her last week at university.
An hour later, Kaoru leaves his room to make pancakes because he noticed he hasn't had his first meal for the day, but the pancakes he made don't taste the same like how his mother used to make them.
Two hours later, Kaoru starts washing the leftover dishes from last night, then sweeps the floor of the common area because dust started accumulating on the floor again.
Five hours later, Kaoru spends the entire evening rereading the collection of his mother's old marine life books. He spends the next hour reciting to himself about the specific type of each seashell from his mother's dusty seashell collection because his mother wasn't by his side anymore to tell him about the lives of the seashells.
Kaoru worries that these, too, are something he suddenly forgets.
The first year he enters Yumenosaki Academy, he refuses to form any sort of close relationship between his classmates or any student in general. He thinks, perhaps, that it is for the best; he doesn't want the empty void within him to grow even bigger because of a sudden mishap with his hypothetical relationships.
The second year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, he starts to question himself why he decided to even enroll in this school. He dislikes forming close relationships yet he placed himself in a situation wherein relationships are important for survival. Well, it wasn't like he was serious about becoming an idol, anyway. But, at least for this year, he talked to different kinds of people—though he could barely even call them acquaintances.
The third and last year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, it becomes the first time he has allowed people to enter his life since his mother's death. It was the first time he cried in front of someone other than his sister — even multiple times. It was the first time he formed a bond that he is confident enough to call friendship. Kaoru still struggles with accepting people in his deeper side of life, yet the empty void within him still stays the same. However, a newer and warmer feeling starts growing inside of him.
The first year in Ensemble Square, Kaoru realizes he is starting to forget what kind of smile her mother always had on her face.
He realizes he is starting to forget in what situations his mother would laugh at.
He realizes he is starting to forget whether his mother preferred her hair in three-strand braids or French braids.
He realizes he is starting to forget what kind of stuff he used to do for his mother to wholeheartedly defend him against his father.
Kaoru comforts himself in the fact that, despite his memory slowly fading away, he will never forget the experience and memories he has with his mother.
He remembers him and his mother stepping barefoot on sand at the beach for the first time. He remembers when his mother first taught him how to ride a wave. He remembers the warm feeling in his chest knowing that his mother is home, ready to serve pancakes to him the moment he returns. He remembers the shame he felt when he realizes that his mother cleaned his messy room while he went out to play with his brother at the playground. He remembers listening to his mother talk about seashells and sharks in between coughs while lying down the hospital bed. He remembers staring at her cold, lifeless body inside the casket, seconds before they finally closed it.
Kaoru remembers it all.
And it's the little things like these constantly remind him that, although the empty void within him might never disappear, his mother took part in building the warmth inside of him. And that warmth will continue to exist within him through his memories of him and his mother.
His mother exists in the necklace she gave to him when he first entered school. She exists in the cold, sea breeze that brushes against his cheeks when he visits the seashore at night. She exists in his first solo song that he wrote with her in mind. She exists in the stories he tells about her to his friends, his juniors, and his fans. She exists in his father, his brother, his sisters — and within himself.
Sometimes Kaoru worries that he might forget everything one day.
But worrying about forgetting in itself is already a reminder that it would be difficult to forget something of such importance.
And even if he does end up forgetting, Kaoru is certain that nothing will replace the feelings, emotions, and memories that he experienced throughout the entire years of remembering his mother.
Oftentimes, Kaoru now relaxes knowing that he was able to experience a life with his mother and also become a part of his mother's life. And his mother will still continue to exist through his own memories.
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there's something so perfect about silver's first words being the jp equivalent of "papa" all because lilia was reading a children's book to him where one of the characters was looking for their "papa" and silver ended up repeating the word. when silver first said it, lilia didn't want silver to call him as a dad but silver kept on repeating it until lilia ended up accepting that he IS silver's dad. i'm heartbroken man
Analyzing the lullaby motif in book 7 (+translation of lyrics)
MAJOR SPOILERS for book 7 chapter 1-5
I hope everyone remembers the lullaby Malleus sang for everyone when he overblotted because that motif came back FOUR times in chapter 5 and I am going to analyze them all because they make me way too emotional 😭
Please feel free to find the lullaby motifs in this post and this post if necessary (although one of them is not included).
Translated lyrics of the lullaby:
A warm cradle
Starlight and joy
My eyes are watching over you still, let's be together
With no fear, even if we wake from this dream
Sleep, sleep, my beloved child
In dreams, I pray you would be guided to walk toward the light
(Analysis begins under the cut:)
The melody of the lullaby has been used 5 times at least in the story, they include:
When Malleus hummed it to everyone he put to sleep during his OB
When Meleanor sang it to Malleus
When Lilia sang it to Silver
When Malleus sang it to Silver
In the bgm when Sebek was helping come out of the darkness
The themes of this piece of music are love and farewell.
Motif use 2 is chronologically when the lullaby was first sung, it’s a song of love from a mother to her child when she knows they must part. I believe that when Meleanor sang this lullaby, she had already made up her mind to fight and let her guards escape with her child. She was taking the last moments she had with her child to name him "Malleus" and sing him this lullaby (7-75). Lyrics include sth like “I will be watching over you even if we wake up from this dream” and “may you be guided and walk towards the light”. But the beauty that comes with the theme of farewell is the theme of legacy. Because even though Meleanor is now gone, her song, and thus her love, never died.
Because Lilia remembers it. Motif 3 is Lilia singing it to Silver, and he’s also sung it to Malleus before. In a musical story, even if the characters lie or don’t have perfect information, the music never lies. Even if Lilia once doubted whether he could love Malleus and hatch him properly (7-77), and even if Lilia may still doubt whether he could love Silver, a human, properly (7-81), the motif symbolises love which tells us the truth — Lilia is capable of giving love. And the legacy is not just that Lilia passed the song to Malleus, it’s that Lilia internalized the song and sang it to his own son. He has seen what kind of mother Meleanor was, and he’s learnt from her kindness, her pride, her love and he has put that into how he raise his own child. Lilia has Meleanor’s legacy too.
And then to address the two Malleus motifs. First of all Malleus never sings it with lyrics, which would imply Malleus himself doesn’t fully know the true meaning of the song. However, he knows that he’s felt happiness and protection from hearing this song, so he sings it to Silver when Lilia asks him to as motif 4 (7-81). When he sang it to Silver he sounded confused, it must’ve been a long time since he’s heard the song. But he still remembers it, which means Meleanor’s love never died because Malleus remembers it all the same. It’s still in Malleus. It’s still there.
But when Malleus overblots, the song gets twisted a little bit (motif 1). However, in Malleus’s mind, it’s still a song of happiness and protection, because he overblotted trying to protect everyone’s happiness forever. But the music sounds creepy to show you the true nature of the song is not like this. The nature of the song is that "even though I cannot be with you always, I will still love you and wish for your happiness". This is the part that Malleus did not understand and did not cope with. It’s also interesting to note that Malleus sang motif 1 with a smile and no hesitation, he was completely confident and sure in what he was doing. Meanwhile, in all other three sung versions, each singer had their own different emotions in their singing, and those emotions were a lot softer, a lot less certain.
And the fifth and final use of the motif is used in the bgm when Sebek yells at Silver for him to get a grip (7-86). The song is arranged into a victorious piece with certainty and assurance. The use of the motif reminds us of the themes: love and legacy. It calls attention to these themes and entrenchs the truth that Silver IS Lilia’s legacy, and that’s only possible because of the love that Lilia has given him. The exact part where the bgm starts playing was when Silver said "Even in the darkness, I could always hear it. 'Stand up' 'Don't give in' 'Live'... it's father's voice. [...] All that he taught me, that's the proof that he had loved me. It's not a dream and not an illusion... it's true love." (I'm serious he really said "true love" for real this IS a translation T^T). When Silver saw Lilia's memories of the song, he denied the love, he said he should not deserve it. The motif had to come back because this is the moment when Silver can finally realize “Ah. This song is full of love and father sang it for me.” The motif HAD to come back because Silver has to come to accept it.
But the bgm arrangement is also made for Sebek. The bgm is full of certainty because Sebek has no doubts in what he’s telling Silver. Sebek, who has grown up alongside Silver, has witness all the love between Lilia and Silver. He KNOWS Lilia’s love is true and he’s conveying that to Silver with certainty. This bgm summarises what Sebek was doing so well, Sebek sees the love Lilia has for Silver and was literally blasting it in Silver’s ears.
As Disney's Sleeping Beauty (1959) puts it, "true love conquers all". And we've been shown that there's love in every direction among our Diasomnia found family. Let's hope that, soon enough, Silver and Sebek would wake Lilia up, and they can finally show Malleus the true meaning of his mother's lullaby and the wish she entrusted to it — that he would walk towards the light, even if she cannot be the one guiding him...
grief finds you on a stupid tuesday afternoon as you walk around the bustling streets of the city and meet eyes with a stray dog that looks oddly similar to your late dog
Tips for writing flawed but lovable characters.
Flawed characters are the ones we root for, cry over, and remember long after the story ends. But creating a character who’s both imperfect and likable can feel like a tightrope walk.
1. Flaws That Stem From Their Strengths
When a character’s greatest strength is also their Achilles' heel, it creates depth.
Strength: Fiercely loyal.
Flaw: Blind to betrayal or willing to go to dangerous extremes for loved ones.
“She’d burn the whole world down to save her sister—even if it killed her.”
2. Let Their Flaws Cause Problems
Flaws should have consequences—messy, believable ones.
Flaw: Impatience.
Result: They rush into action, ruining carefully laid plans.
“I thought I could handle it myself,” he muttered, staring at the smoking wreckage. “Guess not.”
3. Show Self-Awareness—or Lack Thereof
Characters who know they’re flawed (but struggle to change) are relatable. Characters who don’t realize their flaws can create dramatic tension.
A self-aware flaw: “I know I talk too much. It’s just… silence makes me feel like I’m disappearing.” A blind spot: “What do you mean I always have to be right? I’m just better at solving problems than most people!”
4. Give Them Redeeming Traits
A mix of good and bad keeps characters balanced.
Flaw: They’re manipulative.
Redeeming Trait: They use it to protect vulnerable people.
“Yes, I lied to get him to trust me. But he would’ve died otherwise.”
Readers are more forgiving of flaws when they see the bigger picture.
5. Let Them Grow—But Slowly
Instant redemption feels cheap. Characters should stumble, fail, and backslide before they change.
Early in the story: “I don’t need anyone. I’ve got this.”
Midpoint: “Okay, fine. Maybe I could use some help. But don’t get used to it.”
End: “Thank you. For everything.”
The gradual arc makes their growth feel earned.
6. Make Them Relatable, Not Perfect
Readers connect with characters who feel human—messy emotions, bad decisions, and all.
A bad decision: Skipping their best friend’s wedding because they’re jealous of their happiness.
A messy emotion: Feeling guilty afterward but doubling down to justify their actions.
A vulnerable moment: Finally apologizing, unsure if they’ll be forgiven.
7. Use Humor as a Balancing Act
Humor softens even the most prickly characters.
Flaw: Cynicism.
Humorous side: Making snarky, self-deprecating remarks that reveal their softer side.
“Love? No thanks. I’m allergic to heartbreak—and flowers.”
8. Avoid Overdoing the Flaws
Too many flaws can make a character feel unlikable or overburdened.
Instead of: A character who’s selfish, cruel, cowardly, and rude.
Try: A character who’s selfish but occasionally shows surprising generosity.
“Don’t tell anyone I helped you. I have a reputation to maintain.”
9. Let Them Be Vulnerable
Vulnerability adds layers and makes flaws understandable.
Flaw: They’re cold and distant.
Vulnerability: They’ve been hurt before and are terrified of getting close to anyone again.
“It’s easier this way. If I don’t care about you, then you can’t leave me.”
10. Make Their Flaws Integral to the Plot
When flaws directly impact the story, they feel purposeful rather than tacked on.
Flaw: Their arrogance alienates the people they need.
Plot Impact: When their plan fails, they’re left scrambling because no one will help them.
Flawed but lovable characters are the backbone of compelling stories. They remind us that imperfection is human—and that growth is possible.
ko-fi doodle request from 2022: dice and gentaro having tea
— where are you...?
FINAL FANTASY XVI (2023) dev. square enix
I think the resolution is a little bad because of some problem but i love this scene with my whole life
also . wanted to share a portion of my current twst fic wip! idk when i'll post this nor how long i want this to be, but it's just a malleus & silver (brothers) fic and an introspection on their relationship dynamic as the years pass by :D i think it's just super interesting to analyze, particularly since malleus (or fae in general) easily lose track of time, which is contrasting to humans' concept of time.
time is a social construct..... it's a very interesting theme to play around with. i think my philosophy class has been getting too into my head lately.
"what will you become tomorrow?"
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