10/10

i click one video talking about the old "hidden" areas of vanilla WoW and now i'm diving into nostalgia and crying

I keep having this weird dream.

No this isn't a Kingdom Hearts fanfic.

I dream about being in a house with other people, who I can't name or recognize, but apparently, I know them. The house is never the same layout, but there is always one room that's pitch black and where I say the "witch" lives.

No one can go in there or you'll provoke her. You have to keep away from the door or she'll start coming out of the room.

It's unsettling and there's always some reason I have to go near the room. The room is a basement next to the laundry room where I'm supposed to do laundry. The room is right across from a bedroom I need to go into. The room is halfway up some stairs I need to ascend to get where I'm going.

I wake up feeling tension in my chest and unease. I'm not sure what it is, but this thing has been haunting me for about two weeks now. I don't like it.

Amazon Prime Video: Hey, you've watched 5 seasons of this show! Do you like this? me: No.

November came in like the first freeze of winter. Beautiful, but cold and frustrating. I didn't take time to prepare for the change of autumn into winter. I didn't concern myself with the shortening of days and the long stretches of night. This led me into a whirlwind of panic and November clung to me like ice.

December won't be "my month", but it will be a collection of days I will work through bravely. I will continue to move forward and I know I will trip and stumble, but I have to keep my head up and I can't let those moments hold me back.

So I hope all of you welcome this final month of 2024 and all of its challenges. I hope you hold onto the happy memories of this year and use them as your strength while we coast into the next.

I've fallen back into drama youtube. Specifically, Gorlworld. I only really seen stuff on Amberlynne Reed, but wow... how do I get out?

I am waning.

I feel as though I am in that final phase of the moon where it begins to vanish from the sun's light and hides for a few days - as if it's recharging.

Except I'm not recharging.

I'm simply spent. I have no motivation, no sense of hope, no desire to do anything... I just want to lay in bed and not exist. I have not contributed anything to the world these last three weeks and I'm on the edge of simply wallowing. I suppose I already am.

I have met obstacles and simply given up, neither going around them or over them. I simply sit down and accept that I cannot go any further, that I can't do anything better, that I'm not making any progress.

It's in every faucet of life. I've let it leak into my main responsibilities, but it started in my hobbies, my creativity, my self-care and health. I've gone back so many steps on simple things I've been trying so hard to do better with.

Drinking water? I gave up and now I'm dehydrated.

Walking outside? I'll just sit at my computer and scroll endlessly, hoping something catches my attention.

Hobbies? No thanks, I'll just sigh and flick YouTube shorts away over and over again.

I'm unhappy with myself. I don't feel good. I don't look good. My mental health is low. I am at a loss of how to pick myself up. I'm hoping my therapy on Thursday helps.

Thanks for reading.

artwork by loi-loi

Earlier this week I hit 150 days straight on my goal app. This little app has helped me so much when it comes to getting things done and reminding myself to take time for me. 150 days isn’t too many when it’s over the year, but I haven’t missed a day since I started using it. Finch has really given me a sense of consistency and success. (Not sponsored, I just really love this app.) So congratulations to me! I’m making so much progress and doing well.

i am finally exposing myself to nier lore and oh my god i am so sad

that weird insecurity when you're using your windshield wipers on high