A Boyfriend Is Just A Guy You Can Sink Your Teeth Into For Recreational Purposes

"SURVIVING"

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i am excessive when i love someone and i am cruel when i hate someone. i want to be gentle. i don't want to be this way.

I don't know why I'm expected to be a normal, functioning person when everyone around me tried their hardest to stop me from being one.

something something i am terribly sad for my age and i think it might be a little in my head, or uncalled for, or my hand on my friends pantry doorknob as she tells me i can eat whatever i want because we’re at her house now (which warms me inside more than i want to tell her, and that fact is starting to burn) or cookie dough i made for the first time in the middle of the night because it’s easy and people like it and it’s a way to say i love you without actually telling. im glad i know my way around a kitchen but im not too sure when i learned. i’m pretty good so long as i don’t leave the stove on; i’m forgetful when it matters but i remember when it counts. i’m not too sure when i learned.

i want to cook for you, and i want you to like it, and i want my head to stay calm when i think of my body and how I could be spending this time to fix my grades and I need to do better at a lot, and most of all i want to cook for you and i want you to like it and i want so hard to believe my kitchen is any kitchen where i open the pantry and feel like that’s fine. i want to feel like that's fine.

don’t you wish milk was cheaper, and eggs, and the water bill and the price of gas so we can leave? don’t you wish it was easier for a kid who isn’t quite right to get a job around here? don’t you wish the job could pay for any of that at all, or at least be something worth my time? i think I'd like to be somewhere near you for at least forever. I wish I was always sure you loved me back and I was able to manage to drop eggs one way or another without the end of the world. i can make myself useful and bring you something I worked on to prove i love you, and I promise I'm trying, I'm not sure for what, but I know I really really want to stick around so please please let me, and do you still mean the thing you said about me being able to eat from your pantry? when do you want me home? I love you, so I can make us something nice.

All I’ve wanted from a young age was to be necessary.

a Trans Akechi comic focusing on gender dysphoria

They aren't going to apologise.

They aren't going to see all the hurt they inflicted.

Nothing you say, will cause change.

To protect yourself, realise that.

That person who seeks retribution, time and love.

Won't ever receive it.

I dont say this to be mean.

I say this to save you from further pain.

Trust me, I tried.

they will replace me so easily and never remember who i even was

feeling unwanted ruins my whole fucking day

i need constant reassurance bc my brain makes me feel unlovable & i see things in black and white so if i feel the vibe change or if plans change i start spiraling thinking. it's hard for me to think anyone loves or cares for me the same way i care for them unless they are borderline obsessed or show it consistently bc of my lack emotional permanence. the moment i feel even SLIGHTLY rejected or ignored at all i spiral and i will be the meanest person ever about it.