10 Year Old Me Was Like When Wings Sprout From My Spine Then You’ll See.. You’ll All See…

Whenever I see aro/ace discourses and whether they belong in LGBTQ+ spaces, my initial thought is always the same:

Who are you to decide?

What none tells you about being on aromantic and/or asexual spectrum is how isolating it is. You feel lonely. And it's constant. Lonliness because of identity isn't always overwhelming, but it's present somewhere deep down. You feel lonely not because of lack of sexual/romantic attraction but because of society and amatonormativity.

When I was in elementary school, all my friends had crushes. I never understood that because even if I liked someone, it was always in platonic way. They insisted I couldn't possibly not like anyone and I felt forced to fake a crush. In middle school people started dating each other and I comforted myself with "I'm too young for that, time will come". By the high school I already knew something was "wrong" with me, I wasn't like the others. People began having sex not because they were expected to do that but because they actually wanted to. That was such shock to me, I thought media was exaggerating with passion and attraction but apparently all those things happen irl too. Hence I realized I was "the weird one". I forced myself to have same experiences but it felt more like obligation to me than something I trully wanted. I felt dirty after being touched, it repulsed me. I felt like something is broken within me for not enjoying sex. I could never fall in love. People called me coldhearted, they thought something was wrong with me. Few therapist tried to "fix" me, even set me up on dates. I internalized all of that and began seeing myself as "not normal".

Now that I'm older and know there's nothing wrong with me or being aroace, I still can't shake years and years of "I'm not normal" I experienced. It still haunts me. I hear someone talking about their sexual experiences and part of me still feels "not normal" when seeing how "normal" people live. I feel lonely. Parents insist I must find a partner one day. They don't believe i don't experience romantic attraction towards other people. Outside of aspec communities online, I don't experience any support. When I step outside, I still feel like something is wrong with me. Intentionally or not, society still makes me feel like an outsider. It's because of amatonormativity that roots too deep.

There's nothing wrong with people being romantic or sexual, far from that - but vast majority of cishet folks out there expect me to act same as them. Mere thought of someone looking at me as sexual being makes me cringe. I never felt romantic attraction towards anyone. I don't want to be in a relationship - I'm different from the "rest". It's lonely. Felling of isolation became association to me as part of identity. I don't even form closer platonic bonds because inevitable question of my romantic/sex life would inevitably come. For the longest time I felt like I needed to censor that part of myself. I assimilate with surroundings and hope noone finds out my "little secret".

If we as society educated kids more about LGBTQ+ stuff, then maybe this chronic feeling of isolation in aspec communities would diminish in few generations. However what I can say is that from very early age I experienced romantic/sexual attraction very different from what is considered "standard" - and that is why I relate to LGBT experiences innumerous times more than I will to "standard' heterosexual heteroromantic ones.

So stranger on the internet, who are you to swept all my complicated feelings and experiences regarding sexuality under rug because they can't fit in your narrow definition of how romantic and sexual attraction should be.

“hallelujah” by leonard cohen being played as an easter and christmas song, “zombie” by the cranberries” being played as a halloween song, and “born in the U.S.A.” by bruce springsteen being played as a Fourth of July/generic us patriotism song have got to be a special trifecta of the most no-listening-comprehension musical moments that happen on seasonal playlists every single year 

“rent lowering gunshots” this, “we can’t let them know we like it here” that, i think everyone is just having fun posting cringe

passed out and had a dream that tumblr staff just quit one day without warning and the entire website was just like a basic screen of html code and people were posting things like “YOU FUCKING GUYS WHATS GOING ON” “WHERES THE WEBSITE” “WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO” and staff posted a youtube link where some teary eyed shirtless dude with no nipples explained that “you bitches don’t deserve a website. make one yourselves” so everyone unanimously decided to hold an election to decide who was going to be the king of tumblr and the election decided that some random middleaged man named Jinkle Fishwipe would be the new president of tumblr and there was some sort of live recording where it was revealed that Jinkle was literally just One Trout that someone dumped onto a podium and then it died. and at that point everyone in the audience took out daggers and started stabbing each other. and then i woke up

My tags are specifically for my mad rambling

fired for killing customers again

I’ll never understand sailing, like you just get into a boat that doesn’t actually serve a purpose other than to not sink with people who you probably don’t know and don’t like in windy and therefore cold weather, and if that weather gets too windy or too calm then you’re fucked. And all this time a massive fuck-you pole is swinging about above your head which if you don’t duck will knock you out of the boat and give you a concussion

Play the Shitty Games that Suck Ass.