caffeinated-but-at-what-cost
Cliff, he/him 🏳️⚧️ give a clown caffeine and you'll create a one-man circus
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Latest Posts by caffeinated-but-at-what-cost
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Before the war, 7 -year-old Sewar dreamed of becoming a doctor to treat people and alleviate their pain. Sewar is a kind, active, intelligent and diligent girl in her studies.
But the devastating war on the Gaza Strip deprived her of achieving her dream and turned from a diligent girl in her studies and trying to be a doctor in the future into a girl trying hard to survive the violent bombing, displacement and tragedies.
Every day, Sewar and her two brothers, Abdul Aziz and Omar, begin a bitter journey to get water and food, collect firewood for cooking and help their father and mother secure the necessities of life.
The lives of the three children, Sewar, Abdul Aziz and Omar, have been turned upside down. They were kind and innocent children who went to school every morning with enthusiasm.
Please help us arrange the costs of food, water and medicine for the children and their sick grandmother.
Please help us leave the Gaza Strip to a safer country to start a new and better life
Hello 👋
Vetted by @90-ghost
Link
Hello, I am Heba Al-Anqar, 21 years old, a university student. My university was suspended due to the war. I am writing about my family: my father Bakr (54 years old), my mother Alaa (46 years old), and my sisters Aya (18 years old), Amal (15 years old), Muhammad (13 years old), and Maryam (8 years old). We have faced many challenges in this war, from the destruction of our home to the famine we continue to suffer in northern Gaza.
My father suffers from heart problems. He had open-heart surgery when he was 36 years old. He also suffers from cartilage problems. He had his pelvic joint replaced about two years ago, in addition to other health problems. He cannot work due to his health condition.
My mother also suffers from asthma and shortness of breath, in addition to the difficulty of obtaining treatment due to the conditions and the war.
This is our house, which was destroyed by war
We have become homeless in places of refuge, in addition to the difficulty of obtaining medicine, food, and daily expenses
I created this account to request your help in this difficult ordeal by donating to meet the necessary needs, as we were relying on social assistance before the war.
My goal is to help my family live in safety and provide the necessary necessities for living, as there is a high cost of living and difficulty in obtaining necessities. We ask for your help in leaving the Gaza Strip to save my family’s life. The cost of travel is $5,000 per adult and $2,500 per child, in addition to travel and accommodation expenses of $500 per month.
Together, we can support Heba and her family through this ordeal. Your donation, no matter how big, can make a difference in my family's life to get life and start a new life
If you are looking to support Heba and her family, please consider providing assistance directly or through relevant charitable organizations.
A cry for help from Gaza
My name is Salem, I am 26 years old. I am married to Hadeel, she is 25 years old, and we have two beautiful children: Laila (5 years old) and Bakr (five months old). We live in the northern part of Gaza.
Laila and Bakr are my heartbeat, the light of my life, and my everything.
The horrific story of the recent war in Gaza
Since the beginning of the last war in Gaza, our home has been completely destroyed, forcing us to be displaced. We had to move more than 10 times to find safety. During this harrowing journey, we faced extreme hunger and malnutrition that almost claimed the lives of me and my children. In addition, we have been exposed to many serious infectious diseases and epidemics.
Before: This is our homeland, our dream, and our promising future.
Unbearable hardships
Every day I have to travel long distances just to get water, and stand in lines for hours to get food. My children's mental health deteriorated due to the war, their education was interrupted, and they suffered from catastrophic hunger that almost claimed their lives.
After: This is our house, built with our sweat and effort, and it was completely destroyed.
The right to a peaceful life
My children deserve to live a peaceful life free of fear and anxiety. I dream of your help to support my family and escape this genocide. Your help means the world to me and my children.
The cost of arranging travel for an adult outside Gaza currently varies
Between $5,000 and $7,000, and $2,500 for each child, in addition to a cost of living of $500 per month.
How can you help?
Your donations can be a beacon of hope for us. Every dollar can help save my children's lives and give them a chance to live in peace. Your prayers for us to overcome this ordeal and lift the siege are greatly needed
Laila: My beloved, the closest to my heart, and my little one.
Bakr: My child who came during this horrific war.
Donate now and help us get to safety
May God reward you greatly for your generosity.
Background on the Gaza war
The war in Gaza has left hundreds of thousands of victims, destroyed infrastructure, and left many homeless. The humanitarian situation in the region has reached critical levels, with severe shortages of basic necessities such as food, water and health care. Children are the most affected, as they have lost their sense of security, education and normal life.
Your support is our hope
Your donation is the light that can guide us towards a better future. Don't miss the chance to be part of a story that saves a family suffering from unimaginable hardships.
Donate now and make hope possible
Thank you for your support and kindness.
My gratitude
Salem and family
🚨 We Need Your Kindness to Survive 🚨
Hello, My name is Mosab, and I live in Gaza with my family. Life here has become harder than I ever imagined, and I’m writing this with hope in my heart that you might hear our story.
The ongoing war has devastated my family. We’ve lost 25 family members—each one a beloved part of our lives, taken too soon. I miss them deeply—their laughter, their presence, their love. Every day is a reminder of this unimaginable loss.
We are now facing daily challenges to survive—things that most people take for granted, like food, clean water, and a safe place to sleep. The harsh realities of life here have replaced our dreams with the constant fight for survival.
Our Current Situation:
💔 Lost Stability: The war has left us without work or a stable source of income.
📚 Dreams on Hold: Like so many here, my family’s dreams have been replaced by the need to simply survive.
😢 Unimaginable Loss: Losing 25 loved ones has left a void that can never be filled.
How You Can Help:
I’m sharing our story with the hope that someone out there might care. Even $10 can make a big difference for us, and if you’re unable to donate, just reblogging this post can help spread the word.
Your kindness, no matter how small, is something we’ll never forget.
What This Means to Us:
Your support is not about changing our entire situation—it’s about giving us a little relief, a little hope, and a way to keep going. We are not asking for much, and we understand if you can’t donate. Sharing our story is just as valuable to us as a donation.
Thank you for reading this far. It means the world to us to know that someone is listening. Your kindness gives us strength and helps us believe in a better tomorrow.
With all our gratitude,
Mosab and Family ❤️
🌟 A Cry for Help: My Family’s Struggle to Survive in Gaza 🌟
Hello, my name is Areej Kassab. I’m a 27-year-old English teacher and writer from Gaza, and I’m reaching out to you with a heavy heart and a desperate plea for support. My family and I are enduring unimaginable hardships as relentless bombings devastate our home and our dreams.
We are a family of 15—10 adults and 5 children. Every day is a battle for survival. Food is scarce, humanitarian aid is not reaching us, and my little nieces and nephews go to bed hungry. Among them is my sister, who is deaf, and another sister who has a newborn baby. They, too, are suffering in this crisis, and I’m doing everything I can to protect and provide for them.
💔 A Life in Ruins The war has robbed us of everything: safety, peace, and even the hope of a future here. My family’s needs are basic yet critical—food, clean water, diapers for the babies, gas for cooking, and other essentials to make it through each day.
With rising prices and limited access to necessities, we are struggling to provide even the most basic items. My sister’s home has been destroyed, and we are working together to ensure everyone has shelter, food, and warmth.
✨ My Plea for Your Support ✨ I’m a writer, and I’ve been documenting the harsh realities faced by my community under siege. But words can only do so much. We need action, and we need help. Your kindness can save us.
🙏 How You Can Help
Donate: Every contribution, no matter how small, brings us closer to securing the essentials we desperately need.
Share Our Story: If you can’t donate, please share this post to help us reach others who can.
Your support will help provide food for the children, clean water for my family, and basic supplies to help us survive this unimaginable crisis.
Thank you for reading, for caring, and for standing in solidarity with us. Together, we can create a lifeline for my family—a chance to live, to dream, and to hope again.
With love and gratitude, Areej Kassab ❤️
A Future Beyond War Starts With You 💙
My name is Naser. War took everything from me—
my mother, my sister, my home, and the life I once knew.
In a single moment, my world was shattered,
leaving behind only memories and the weight of loss.
But even in the darkest moments,
I refuse to give up. ✊
Because I still have something worth fighting for—
my three younger brothers.
🔹 One dreams of becoming a doctor 🩺—to heal others so they don’t have to suffer like we did.
🔹 Another wants to be an engineer 🏗️—to rebuild what war has destroyed.
🔹 And the youngest? He just wants to be a kid again 🧸—
to wake up in a safe home 🏠,
to laugh, to play, to feel peace.
🏡 We need a home. We need education. We need hope.
Right now, we are not just fighting for survival—
we are fighting for the chance to live, to grow, to dream again.
We are fighting for a future where my brothers
can become the doctor, the engineer,
and the child who gets to have a childhood.
💙 This is where you come in.
I’m not asking for much—just a chance.
A chance to rebuild.
A chance to give my brothers a future beyond war.
Your support—whether through a donation or simply sharing our story—can make all the difference.
Even the smallest act of kindness can create ripples of change. ✨
🙏 Will you help us rebuild?
Together, we can prove that war doesn’t get the final word—
hope does.
Thank you for standing with us. 💙✨
🌍✨ A Voice from Gaza: Fighting for Hope ❤️🩹
Hi, my name is Mosab , and I’m from Gaza. Life here has been harder than I could ever imagine, but today I’m sharing my story with hope in my heart, because your kindness has already given us so much strength.
This journey hasn’t been easy. The war has taken 25 family members from us—25 beautiful souls we loved deeply. Their laughter, their presence, their love… all of it is gone, leaving behind memories that are both precious and painful. Every day, I carry the weight of their loss, but I also carry their spirit, which gives me the strength to keep going.
Our Journey So Far
When I first reached out, I couldn’t have imagined we’d make it this far. Your support has been a light in these difficult times, and we are so deeply grateful for every single contribution.
But the road ahead is still challenging. Every day, we’re reminded of how much we’ve lost and how much we still need to rebuild.
Here’s what life in Gaza looks like for my family right now:
🏠 Safety: The uncertainty of tomorrow weighs heavily on us.
😢 Loss: The absence of the 25 family members we’ve lost is a pain we carry every moment.
💔 Dreams on Hold: The future feels so far away when survival takes all our strength.
How You Can Help Us Cross the Finish Line Even the smallest act of kindness can make a difference:
$5 may seem small, but for us, it’s a little relief, a moment of comfort, and a reminder that kindness still exists. ❤️
Can’t donate? Reblog this post to help us reach someone who can. Every share matters more than you know.
✅️ Vetted by @gazavetters ( #309 ) ✅️
Why Your Support Matters Your kindness isn’t just about helping us meet our goal—it’s about reminding us that we’re not alone in this fight. It’s about hope. It’s about survival. And it’s about giving my family a chance to rebuild our lives, even in the face of unimaginable loss.
Thank you for helping us get this far. Your generosity and compassion have already brought us closer to a better tomorrow, and for that, I’m endlessly grateful.
With all my love and gratitude,
Mosab and Family ❤️
My Journey to Escape the War in Gaza
My name is Abdelmajed. I never imagined I’d be sharing my story like this, but life in Gaza has become unbearable. I am a survivor of the war here, and in the blink of an eye, everything I once knew—my home, my safety, my community—was ripped away from me.
The war has transformed Gaza into a graveyard of broken dreams. The buildings that once stood as symbols of life and resilience are now piles of rubble. Every corner is filled with the echoes of explosions. Every moment is shrouded in uncertainty. There is no security. There is no stability. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Basic needs have become luxuries. Food is scarce. Clean water is even scarcer. Hospitals are overwhelmed and under-resourced, and there is almost no medical care to be found. Every night, families go to bed hungry, praying they’ll wake up to see another day. The cost of basic necessities has skyrocketed, and it’s become a daily battle just to survive.
I’ve seen things I never thought possible—standing in long lines for a piece of bread, rationing every drop of water, and watching my people suffer in silence. I have lost everything—my home, my safety, my dignity.
Escape from Gaza is my only hope, but it’s almost impossible without financial help. The cost of evacuation is far beyond my means, and without support, I’m trapped in a warzone with no way out.
I’m reaching out to you now, in the hopes that someone, anyone, can help. I am not asking for luxury. I am asking for a chance—just a chance—to live. A chance to escape this never-ending cycle of fear, destruction, and loss. A chance to rebuild my life somewhere safe, where I can begin again, where I can find hope once more.
Any amount you can give will help me get closer to safety. Even the smallest donation will make a difference—it could be the lifeline I need to survive. If you are unable to donate, please share my story. The more people who hear it, the better the chance that I can find the support I desperately need.
Your kindness and support mean the world to me. You’re not just helping me escape a war; you’re giving me a chance to live, to rebuild, to breathe again.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring.
Vetted by @gazavetters
🌸 From One Mother’s Heart – Please Read 🌸
My name is Saja. I’m a wife, a mother, and a woman who once believed her story would be simple. I thought my days would be filled with watching my daughter grow — from her first smile to her first steps — surrounded by the small joys of everyday life.
But life had other plans.
War has returned to our home. Again. And once again, we find ourselves living under skies that never seem to rest.
There was a moment — a fragile, breathless moment — when the bombs paused and the world seemed to remember us. It gave us hope. We thought maybe, just maybe, we could start to rebuild. But now, we are back in the dark — hiding, holding on, praying.
I’m writing this not as someone seeking pity, but as a mother who has no other choice but to speak.
Imagine holding your baby in the middle of the night, not because she cried, but because the world outside roared too loud for either of you to sleep. Imagine whispering bedtime stories not to lull her into dreams, but to keep the fear from settling into her tiny bones.
This is my life.
This is my daughter’s life.
And even now — especially now — I believe in softness. I believe in kindness. Because when everything else is taken from you, hope becomes the most valuable thing you have.
Why I’m Reaching Out Our home has been damaged. Our lives changed. But through it all, my daughter wakes up every morning with a smile. She reaches for me with trust, with love, with faith that I will keep her safe.
That’s why I keep going.
I’ve launched a campaign to ask for help — not because it’s easy, but because silence is no longer an option. I am asking for support not just for me, but for my baby, and for the quiet strength of so many mothers like me who are fighting, every single day, to hold their families together.
How You Can Help: 🤍 Help us restore parts of our home so we can live with dignity 🤍 Support women and mothers in Gaza with access to care and resources 🤍 Keep the light of hope alive for a generation born in the shadows of war
💛 If you can, please support our journey here:
If you can’t give, please consider sharing. Your voice might be the reason someone else hears ours.
From My Heart to Yours Maybe our lives are worlds apart. Maybe you’ve never lived through war. But if you’ve ever held a child and wished the world could be better for them — then you understand more than you know.
I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking the world turned away.
Please, if you’ve read this far — thank you. Thank you for seeing us. Thank you for caring. We are still here. Still hoping. Still holding on to every kind act like it’s a lifeline.
With love and endless gratitude
hii! can I request the nxx boys with a reader who used to be in an abusive relationship (now an ex) and an example situation when one of the boys raises a hand the reader thinks their going to git them so they flinch or when the boys cook the reader a table full of food the reader starts to sob because they're not used to eating in big amounts (ik I have that problem) all separate pls c:
srry if it's a bit too much u don't have to accept the request!
Hi friend! Sorry for the wait! This type of request is not a problem for me, but I will put it under a "read more" to be safe!
TW abuse mention; implied abuse; PTSD
❤️ Artem ❤️
Your first instinct upon seeing all the delicious dishes that Artem placed on the table was for your mouth to start watering.
Your second instinct was to consciously shut down that response before Artem could notice, and you managed to cut it off before even a drop of saliva could escape your lips.
You'd trained yourself how to do that in your last relationship, a long time ago.
When Artem finally sat down to join you, you didn't make eye contact with him. You just dipped your head politely and began to eat from the plate he had placed in front of you. If you avoided looking at the other dishes he'd placed on the table, from colorful grilled vegetables to aromatic jasmine rice, then you wouldn't crave them as much.
Artem needed more food than you anyway. He was larger, smarter, busier. He needed the energy, and you should be grateful he whipped up a plate for you at all.
That was what you had learned a long time ago. To be grateful for what you had and not to beg for what you didn't deserve.
Perhaps you ate too quickly, however, because your plate was empty within minutes. You sat quietly, waiting to see if Artem would stir up conversation. (He wasn't a highly talkative person, so you were equally content with sipping from your water glass in silence.)
Finally he spoke, and nothing could have prepared you for the concerned murmur of, "If you're still hungry, you can take more. Everything here is for us to share."
"... Huh?"
Now you couldn't help yourself from gawking at him, wide-eyed and perplexed. "N-no, I'm fine. You already made me a plate!"
Artem pensively prodded at a pepper. "Only to start you off," he explained. "I wasn't sure what your favorite foods are, or what you would enjoy most, so I gave you a little bit of everything and decided to put the rest here in their original dishes so you could decide on your own what you wanted to eat." His brow knitted in consternation as he added, the worry in his tone subtle but unmistakable, "Did you think that was all I would let you eat?"
The worry on his face dramatically increased in mere seconds. He nearly jumped out of his seat as he leaned over with a napkin to dab at your eyes. "You're crying. Are you crying?"
Clearly he hadn't expected this reaction from you, and honestly, you hadn't expected to react this way either. The only person more confused than him right now was you. All of this? For you to eat as you please? Any dish, any amount?
"I... You... You're so kind, Artem," was all you could manage to mumble out between your tears.
"I'm nothing special," he insisted, his deep ocean gaze gentle but firm. "I care about you. A lot. So please... eat up and take care of yourself, alright?"
~♡~♡~♡~♡~
💛 Luke 💛
"Luke, we're going to be late!"
Running on the same wavelength as the brunet sometimes did more harm than good. You had both arrived way too early for the escape room that you planned to do today with some friends, so you had camped out underneath a shady tree and watched ducks floating by on the lake.
Who knew counting ducks could make you fall asleep just like sheep?
"It's like a 5 minute walk! The building is right there!" Luke protested, but even his amused grin couldn't hide the hint of concern in his voice. "That's nothing for me!"
"Okay, then you will be on time, but I don't follow the Luke Pearce cardio regimen!" you whined. "And if you leave me in the dust, I'll never forgive you!"
You knew he wouldn't run off without you, so your "threat" was mostly in jest, but the fear that flickered across his eyes almost made you feel guilty.
Almost, but not guilty enough to stop you from sprinting ahead.
"Wait, wait!" Luke cried out suddenly as you began to dart off without him.
His words stopped you in your tracks, and you spun around as fast as you could to turn back towards him.
The heat coursing through your adrenaline-pumped veins immediately froze as a large hand came flying towards your face.
No. No! I messed up! I'm sorry!
With a shriek, you dropped to the ground, arms raised defensively above your head.
I took it too far. I wasn't funny. He's mad. He's mad he's mad he's mad and I deserve this. I deserve this.
Cowering on the ground with your eyes squeezed tightly shut, you braced yourself for impact. Maybe it'd be a smack, maybe a slap, maybe a punch. You weren't sure, but you knew it was coming.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
... why wasn't it coming?
Hesitantly you opened one eye, expecting to see rage ablaze in Luke's passionate coral eyes.
But instead you saw pure fear on his face, as his skin had gone white as a sheet and his hands pulled in close to his chest, shaking.
"Did I... scare you?" he asked carefully, his voice hoarse.
Why was he afraid? Wasn't he mad? Wasn't he...
Maybe your gut reaction was... wrong?
"I'm sorry," you whispered, and you slowly lowered your arms.
Luke looked as though he wanted to step forward, but he held himself back so as to avoid startling you. "You had a leaf in your hair," was all he said. "I wanted to get it out."
"I'm sorry," you repeated. You felt like a broken record, but as shaken as you still were, what else could you say?
Luke lowered himself onto one knee and tentatively reached a hand towards you, like he were coaxing a small animal. He seemed relieved as you inched a little closer to him.
When you finally got close enough for him to remove the leaf, he instead pulled you into his arms.
"Who do I need to kill, [Y/N]?"
"Luke, no."
~♡~♡~♡~♡~
💜 Marius 💜
You tried to keep your eyes off the clock, but the more time that passed, the more difficult that became.
While you had no doubt that Marius von Hagen, of all people, could easily get another reservation at a high-end restaurant, you knew he had been looking forward to taking you to this particular spot for weeks now. But luck had not been on his side this week, as Pax was swamped from left to right with deals to close and disputes to settle. Marius had been sleeping even less than usual; he wouldn't admit it to you, but even if he covered the bags under his eyes with makeup and chugged coffees, you could see the fatigue in the way his eyes had lost a lot of sparkle.
You loved the mischievous gleams and artistic sparks in his eyes, and if this date was only going to cause him more stress...
"Hey, Mar--"
"You will see me at 2:00 tomorrow, or you will find another buyer! Capice?"
Everything else in the room melted away all at once. The clock. Vincent's apologetic face. The Pax sign behind the desk. The huge windows revealing the sunset. All of it, all of it faded into oblivion as soon as that deep, loud, angry voice hit your ears.
Like a thunderstorm had let loose a ferocious flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder just above your head, all your senses kicked into high gear to focus on one thing:
Stay alive. Stay alive. Get low, get quiet, stay alive.
You weren't sure when Marius hung up the phone. You weren't sure when Marius walked over to you. You weren't even sure where you were.
Perhaps it was for the best that you couldn't see what Marius saw right now: the person he loved most in the world, crouching behind a couch with hands clapped over their ears, eyes squeezed tightly shut, and murmuring quietly and rapidly in an effort to stay grounded.
Marius von Hagen had money, power, and influence beyond what most people could dream, but even he couldn't stop a trauma response in its tracks.
You flinched as you felt a large weight drop on top of your head, but slowly you unclenched your jaw as you realized it was a large but gentle hand, stroking your hair rhythmically.
You dared to open your eyes, slowly fluttering your eyelids open until Marius' concerned, exhausted face came into clear view.
"I'm sorry I yelled," he murmured.
You shook your head, and as you pulled your hands away from your ears, you tried to reach out and pat him on the shoulder. But your hands were still shaking, and you cursed yourself silently as you realized you wouldn't be able to comfort him like this. "You've been under a lot of stress."
Marius let out a low, self-deprecating chuckle. "That's no excuse. I can't fulfill my very important role if I lose my cool like that."
"The President of Pax isn't allowed to get upset?"
Marius snorted. "Not that role. Nobody cares about me as president, anyway. I mean as your lover."
Before you could even fully process his words and tell him how touching and sincere they were, Marius gently flicked your forehead.
"Besides, I'll be less stressed now that I called off the deal with that old curmudgeon. Ready for dinner, babe?"
~♡~♡~♡~♡~
💚 Vyn 💚
Stealth. Stealth. You were the embodiment of stealth.
Phase 1 had been easy. Since you were staying in Vyn's guest room tonight as he had to get up early (or at least attempt to) tomorrow, he hadn't noticed you tip-toeing out at midnight. That room was around the corner from his own bedroom, after all, and his closed door meant he couldn't see you sneak over to the stairs.
Phase 2 had been a little more challenging: the stairs themselves. In order to avoid any creaking that could give you away, you had decided to crawl along the side and test each step to figure out where the sturdiest part was. (You had also made a mental note to inform Vyn that the third step from the bottom definitely needed to be repaired, because it squeaked like a rusty hinge.)
Phase 3 was almost complete and going off without a hitch. You had just turned the corner into his kitchen, and now the refrigerator door was in plain sight. The hardwood was a bit of a pain compared to sneaking around on carpet, but your socks should be sufficiently muffled on the kitchen tile. You inhaled deeply and gave your stomach a reassuring pat.
'Soon. Soon we will be appeased.'
Gingerly you stepped across the tile, gently you opened the door, and with a victorious smile, you inspected the glowing contents of Vyn's refrigerator.
Jackpot!
As you debated whether to grab yogurt, cheese, or some celery to scoop up peanut butter, a low voice sounded behind you.
"If you want a midnight snack, might I recommend something low sugar so that you can fall asleep shortly after?"
You nearly screeched as you slammed the door shut and whirled around with your back pressed against its cold metal surface. Suppressing a whimper, you raised your arms defensively in front of your abdomen and face as you looked up to an amused pair of glimmering golden eyes.
"I... I'll go back to bed. I'm sorry. I didn't..."
Excuses swarmed your head like a mess of bees, but you doubted any of them would spare you from your inevitable fate.
They had never saved you in the past, after all.
"Please don't be mad...."
You regretted the words as soon as they came out of your mouth. That would just make Vyn angrier! You couldn't bear to look at him, so you turned your head away and held your breath as you waited for his response.
"Why would I be mad?"
Surprised by these words and how genuine they sounded, you dared to take a peek at Vyn. He didn't even look sleepy as he gazed at you with knitted brow and a fretful frown on his pale face. "If anything, I'm... disappointed." He sighed softly and extended a hand to you. "Let me help you up, darling."
You weren't sure your quivering legs would support you even with Vyn's help, so you kept one hand on the refrigerator door as Vyn helped you to your feet. "Disappointed?" you echoed, unable to quash your curiosity.
"Of course. I am, after all, an excellent pastry chef, if I do say so myself." His gaze softened as he guided you slowly to one of the seats behind the kitchen counter. "The thought that you'd rather snack on cheese instead of a fresh tiramisu, matcha tart, or mille-feuille... well, that is quite the blow to my self-esteem."
Was he... trying to lighten the mood? You couldn't be sure if he was serious or joking. "I... shouldn't be hungry. You gave me plenty to eat."
Vyn didn't seem bothered by that. "No 'should' or 'shouldn't' applies here. You are hungry, and I simply cannot allow that." He chuckled and opened the refrigerator, tutting softly as he reviewed its contents. "I'll have to regretfully inform you I am low on eggs, but perhaps next time I can make you a crème brulée."
As relief flooded over you, you allowed yourself to smile. "... I don't think I trust you with a torch at this hour, anyway."
Vyn drummed his fingers against the counter. "Harsh, but understandable." He sighed. "Now then, please select a dessert, unless you want me to psychoanalyze everything that happened just now instead."
"Strawberry shortcake, please!"
General Project Moon & Distortion codes dropped! Link can be found in the replies here the same as the previous codes! F2U as well. Individual screenshots under the cut!
Light Version
Dark Version
Distortion Version
december (a mask shattered, a mask you can't bring back)
important alignment chart
As of posting, it has never been outright stated in the game that Mizuki is transgender, although the fact can be inferred from several hints in the story, mainly from how their classmates act around them. Outside of the story, there are several visual codes that suggest or even confirm the fact that Mizuki is trans.
A lot of color coding and symbolism is used to suggest that Mizuki is transgender, perhaps the most obvious example being their Fragment SEKAI, which uses the same color palette as the transgender pride flag. You can read more about that in this post.
Both the 2D and 3D MVs for IDSMILE, Mizuki's first commissioned song, switch betwen a pink (typically feminine) and blue (typically masculine) color palette, but are pink for the vast majority of the song. In the 2DMV, the background changes to blue for the first part of the final chorus, before returining to pink before the end of the song.
In the 3DMV, the lighting changes to blue during the instrumental, then shifts between pink and blue during the bridge, and then remains as pink for the final chorus.
A similar use of lighting can be seen in Mizuki's trained The One Who Gave Me Courage 4*. Mizuki's room is lit in blue, with pink light filtering in through the window, which Mizuki is leaning towards.
This point was submitted by @glitter-and-strangle-hugs
And if you look closely at Mizuki's Nightcord icon, you'll notice that it uses the same blue, white & pink color palette as the trans pride flag.
This point was via a reply from @misty-is-a-dragon
All of the symbolism and color-coding aside, the fact that Mizuki is transgender is actually confirmed by their middle school appearance. When they were in middle school, Mizuki had a typically masculine haircut and wore more masculine clothes. They also wore Kamiyama's male uniform, indicated by the tie used, the side of the blazer that the buttons are on, and the fact that they are wearing trousers.
You might also notice that in their middle school bedroom, they have a cloth covering their mirror, but in high school the cloth is folded over and the mirror is visible. This could be linked to their appearance at both points in time, and Mizuki being more comfortable with their feminine presentation.
A final, song-based example of Mizuki’s trans coding is that they (alongside Mafuyu) covered Villain, a song with a transgender narrator. Mizuki also has a solo Another Vocal of the cover, which you can listen to in the video above.
The song IDSMILE also adds to the case, since the lyrics describe Mizuki’s situation of being afraid to tell people their secret [about their gender identity] and distancing themself from their friends by keeping it hidden.
Manager... What'll... happen to me...
because I haven't seen a whole heap of decent information about this... I thought I'd do a beginner's guide to dissociation
disorders that can cause dissociation include:
DID
OSDD
PTSD
depression
OCD
BPD
DPDR
anxiety
eating disorders
some people also experience dissociation due to chronic pain
being dissociated can feel like, but is not limited to:
feeling disconnected from the world
feeling "blurry", "buzzy", "foggy", or "out of it"
not feeling any emotions
not feeling any physical pain
not remembering whole periods of time
feeling like you're floating outside of your body
your brain constantly going in and out of focus
dissociation is generally broken down into two categories:
derealisation: the feeling that the world around you is unreal, foggy, or just out of reach
depersonalisation: the feeling of being outside of yourself, or of not feeling real
I hope this is a helpful post, and that I've made people more aware of what dissociation actually is. if you have any follow-up questions, please feel free to ask!
Project moon shitposts brainstormed by me and my friend (1, 2, 3)
I wonder if the day will ever come when I am the one holding someone else's hand, feeling the warmth of their skin flush against mine
when will I be the one on a date with my lover, feeding each other small bites of our meals, pinkies interlocked under the table?
when will I feel a careful but tight embrace in bed on a rainy night after a long night?
will I always be so cold and alone for the rest of my life? will I spend the rest of my life with the itch under my skin yearning for the fireplace of a home?
Taii: Women want me, fish fear me. The Piscine Mermaid is uncertain how to feel about me.
Catt: Women and fish fear me. The Piscine Mermaid desires me carnally.
Rose: The feelings of fish and women towards me are too varied and complex to be accurately described.
*sext* I'd take care of you when you're not feeling well and I'd gently run my fingers through your hair while you sleep soundly on my chest
i have a friend who has kinda bad eczema on their right hand but their left hand is fine and thats because acidity makes eczema worse and that includes vaginal acidity and my friend is both a lesbian and a slut so they finger a lot of people and that fucks up the hand they use (their right hand). Anyways do you think BBC sherlock would deduce that by looking at my friend’s hands
Limbus battle for Dummies
In the following, I will try to explain the Limbus battle system as good as I can. As you might've seen, this is a turn-based game, but before y'all leave: this isn't turn-based in the way you might think. You 'share' your turn with the enemy. Both you and the enemy will act at the same time. Sort of.
This will digest regular combat. I will probably make a post about Abno combat later. This is also written with an audience in mind that has not played the previous game, so no knowledge about that game's battle system is needed.
Before the battle
Before you actually go into the fight, you will be able to choose the members of your team on the field. The amount of members allowed in depends on the level. Those not on the team will contribute with their passives that can activate alongside those of your fielded ones.
Battle command
In combat against anything but Abnormalities, you command your Sinners by forming a chain from the left orb to the right orb you see. This is what I call, 'Skill Linking'. When you reach the end, you can start the battle and see the results of your Skill Linking. The fight will go from left to right, so those leftmost on the board will act first, etc. The order is determined by their speed values (which you can see above their portraits and above their sprites). This really is just a number that determines the order, don't think too much about this. By default, they will attack the foremost enemy first.
The Skills are not colored for no reason. Should you manage to connect multiple Skills of the same color, then you will activate Resonance. This increases the damage you deal - even more so when you connect 3 of the same color in a row, in which case it's named Absolute Resonance. Start out by just thinking of it as increased damage, the exact percentages I don't really have up-to-date info on. Resonance can also activate passive abilities.
When Skills are used, they are turned into a resource that matches their color. You keep track of this resource at the right side of the screen. This resource is important in the activation of E.G.O.
After Skills are used, new Skills will fill their column to fill the void. Skills are randomly selected from their own kit. You can't use a Skill again until you've used the others first. When you have used their entire kit, they empty the bag and put them in (again, randomly chosen).
As battle continues, a new column will be added for a random Sinner. This allows them to act twice. In the image above, note the column next to Yi Sang.
When enemy and ally meet - or not... (Or: On Clashes and Attacks)
Every attack is either Blunt, Slash or Pierce. Enemies and allies have different resistances to them. This should be easy. An enemy can be weak to Slash, but be normal to Pierce attacks. This can be utilized to both attack the enemy's weak point, and to prevent an attack to a Sinner's weak point.
Now to the meat of the theory.
Coin flipping and Clashing
Gear up, because if you don't pay attention, this will seem gibberish.
Every time anyone attacks, a coin is flipped to determine its result. You will also be able to hear the result. There are two types of bonuses: Positive (+) and Negative (-) ones.
If the coin lands heads, the Skill will get power added if it's a Positive bonus. If it's not, then power is subtracted. You get nothing extra if you land tails. The outcome of a coin landing influences the following ones (if there are any left).
Each Skill has its base damage, which will be your base number.
When anyone attacks someone without the target having an attack set in that slot, it'll be one-sided. When ally and enemy target eachother, the two will engage in a Clash. I said before that the default targeting is for the enemy nearest to them; so naturally, they will end up meeting now and then.
When you clash, you roll all of your coins into one big number. All your bonuses you may or may not get (depending on the coin flip) gets added into that number. Naturally, the one with the higher number wins. The loser gets 1 coin removed from them. In the image above, you can see the enemy losing 1 coin.
For example: you start out with 3 as your base power, with 3 coins, and a +3 bonus if you roll heads. You do so, so now you're on 6. Then you roll tails. You have 6 again. You roll heads again. You're now on 9. All these numbers are added: 6+6+9 = 21, which is your final number.
Should both you and the enemy still have coins to flip, you go through the motions again. This clashing ballet, however, is not eternal as the dancing will stop when either you or the enemy runs out of coins or either of them gets their attack canceled (more on the latter below). The side that can still move will continue to attack and also gains an additional bonus based on clashes won. You really, really want to win here, but this should go without saying.
AoE Skills
AoE Skills damage multiple enemies. (I put that in for the people who didn't see that coming.) One will be the main target, others will be the sub-target. Said main target will (in normal combat) be determined by the 'range' of the skill itself. Think of it as in how in Magia Record, the Magia have different ranges.
Each AoE skill has a max amount of enemy 'attacks' it can target. Certain 'attacks' it targets though, will take up more 'space' in that amount.
Fail an AoE in a clash, and you fail all clashes against those targets. Be careful.
Doing anything but attacking?
But what if you DON'T want to attack?
Listen, I know it's very enticing to keep attacking. But sometimes you just gotta...not do that.
Defense is purely a reaction. It doesn't have any set target, so they can't cause clashes. They protect against incoming attacks (according to their times of usage).
To defend, you can either Guard, Evade, or Counter.
From left to right: Defend, Evade, Counter.
Defend is simple. It's a shield (based on an amount of HP) that protects against incoming attacks. It reminds me of a certain skill in a certain other game I can't name here, but it works like that. The amount of shielding HP is set and not influenced by anything like passives or any status effects they might have.
Evade is trying to avoid to be attacked entirely. This is also fairly easy to understand. If you roll a higher evade number, then congratulations, because you've succesfully evaded that attack. The upside of this is, I think, that if the enemy has nasty shit that activates 'on hit' (no matter whether it deals damage), you will be able to avoid those effects. The other upside of this is that, if you win, your evade is 'stored' so you could possibly dodge multiple attacks. If you're lucky.
Counter happens after you're attacked. Out of the three Defense types, only Counter has a color like the Skills do and can generate resources (and engage in possible Resonance). From what I see, it's exactly what it sounds like - a counter-attack, a retaliation.
Sitting ducks are tasty!
Did you notice the yellow lines in the health bars? Those are Stagger tresholds. If anyone takes damage past the yellow line, they will be rendered Staggered. I can best describe it as, being rendered a sitting duck. Your damage resistance is all set to Fatal (x2.0, I assume) and you can't attack. If you get Staggered in the middle of a Clash, then yeah, you lose either way from that moment on as you will stop doing anything but taking damage.
Stagger lasts until the end of the turn. Breaching multiple tresholds can further increase damage, but not the duration. Even so, Staggering the enemy is a perfect way to really get to pop off any battle.
Remaining Sane
Unlike what it seems like, your Sinners do have a certain amount of Sanity. It's a number that ranges from 45 to -45, and can be seen in the blue orbs on their portraits. You enter each battle tabula rasa, at Sanity 0 (Sanity amounts is carried over in Story and Mirror Dungeons, the only occasion where it is).
Sanity fluctuates depending on the course of battle. Should a Clash be won or enemy be killed, then Sanity goes up. Should allies die, then Sanity goes down. Think of it as becoming more hopeful and positive, or progressively crazier and desperate.
Positive Sanity increases the chance of coins landing on heads, and the inverse is also true: Negative Sanity causes more coins to land on tails. As certain Sinners gain a negative bonus on Heads, you may take this into consideration.
Enemies, except Abnormalities, have this Sanity, too. When they're at low Sanity, they will Panic. It's not explained what this is, but it will make fighting against them easier.
The Master of this emotion...
Now on to my favorite parts of the battle system, which are...
E.G.O Skills! These are your Magia/Ultimate Skill/etc. They cost an amount of resources (the one that you gain by using Skills, remember? You will be able to check which you need) and take a toll on the user's Sanity. They, however, are very powerful and they can be viewed as equipment. Yes, you read that right - in contrast to most 'Ultimates', they come with their own set of Resistances and can make weaker Resistances strong. This is advantageous, especially in prolonged battles.
These skills can, should you have the resources, be used anytime, anywhere. They can be used when Sinners are at low Sanity. Should you do that...
E.G.O can go wrong and Corrode. This will result in a different, usually stronger attack. The closer the Sinner is to negative values, the larger the chance is that this happens. You might be wanting to keep Sanity levels low to get more damage out of E.G.O. - if their Sanity isn't the lowest of the low, then they will continue as normal, after all... The bad thing is, that when Sanity is absolutely in the gutter, then the Sinner themselves will remain stuck in their Corroded state, and paint the City red with anything that moves, regardless whether it's ally or enemy. It's Doppel on steroids, essentially (as well as sorta kinda how it should work there, lore-wise).
With all of this, this has become quite the long post. I hope it's still readable enough (also because English isn't my mother tongue) to be digestable. And, finally...
Sinclair comes out
Mirror Dungeon Abnormality Compedium!
Managers and Sinners alike, me and some good friends of mine have been working on a compendium for the Abnormalities you can encounter in the Mirror Dungeon!
May this serve everyone well in their journey through the Mirror Dungeons!
Hey I'm healing from top surgery so I'm gonna masterwork the stages of healing I've been experiencing cause people are always leaving shit out :D
• You will sleep. Often.
So, basically after I got my surgery done, I had a whole concoction of medication and all of it knocks you the *fuck* out. If you fight it, you're simultaneously fighting God. That being said, take it. It's made to make your existence more bearable. Because if you're Top Surgery came with liposuction, like mine did, wherever you had liposuction will hurt. So just count on doing just about fuck all during that first week.
• You will need help, accept it.
And I mean with things you don't think you should need help with. Yes, getting tall things, but also in that first week and ESPECIALLY the first couple of days post op, you might even need help getting out of bed, opening doors.
The general rule here is you can't life anything over 15lbs, but *really* it's "you can't do anything where you can feel your stitches pulling" which is basically everything sans going to the bathroom. For me, the hardest thing was being so in need of assistance, that I legitimately couldn't lift my torso up enough to get out of bed, I figured it out after day 3 though.
• You will probably have to have drains, get over it. And yes. They suck, but for a specific reason.
Everyone talks about how shitty drains are, but I've never heard them say *why* drains suck because they hurt after a period of time. Usually around end of week 1, and for me, all of week 2. By week 2, I legitimately wanted to Rio these Fulkerson out.
But I wanted to rip them out because of a bunch of reasons.
1. They werr placed in a way where i couldn't see them and had limited access to the insertion site, closer to my back than my side. This made it very hard to deal with near the end for reason 2.
2. They fucking itch, and if they don't itch, they legitimately hurt. (This is why that pain medication is helpful imo.) The insertion site has loose stitches keeping the drains in your body, and your skin eventually wants to heal around it, now imagine constantly itching and/or aching, in a place you can't touch or even fucking see— constantly.
3. It's kind of gross. This wasn't a big issue for me. I have a morbid curiosity (I wanted to take a video of my sister pulling out my drains bit they didn't) but for folks who don't like the idea of having to pour out your body juices to measure and record, that can be squicky.
4. Fucking dogs. Dogs and quick movements, especially of other people is the MOST terrifying, because I was constantly afraid of pur dog jumping up and tearing those fuckers out of my body.
Now I'm gonna talk about the actual healing process and how that feels.
Week One— The least painful, but most disabling.
The first couple of days, I was essentially entirely reliant on my sister. I couldn't go to the bathroom without her help to get out of bed. At this time, you still have the anesthesia in your system so you can't feel a whole lot, other than gravity, and you're still pretty sleepy. It's advised to get up Avery few hours to shuffle around, but honestly, taking a nap is all you'll want to do.
Of course, the sitting up rule still holds, you can't really lay flat on your back, and you won't want to, because it's hard to fucking get up without help.
As far as pain goes, you don't feel much in the actual surgery site. Some surgeons include additional liposuction (this method is used to reduce the liklihood of dog ears or excess skin from the procedure itself)
^^^this will be the most painful thing during the first week^^^
It's because you get a lot of bruising, both external and internally when you have liposuction and it causes a lot of aching. The ache will gradually fade around the week 1 end, especially if you heal well from bruising you might have some numbness left over, but likely not from the liposuction. Those bits will be tender. You'll be given (or have bought) a compression garment that will come in very handy. It's not the same as a binder in that it's much easier to remove. The tightness won't be as restrictive, and it will help with liposuction healing and keeping your gauze in place. This is made to be worn basically 24/7 with exception of showers and washing. It *will* chafe, and you *will not* feel it. Prepare for that.
You can't physically do much of anything during this week, I couldn't open or close heavy doors, grab anything heavier than maybe 5 lbs, and most definitely not reach for anything. As mentioned, I couldn't lift my own ass out of bed, so I definitely couldn't drive. They *say* you can drive after the first 2 days. Don't. 1, you're probably on pain medication which knocks you put in about an hour of taking and 2, you're probably underestimating the strength and movement involved in using a steering wheel.
Over all, this is actually the easiest part of healing, pain wise. It's definitely the hardest if you don't have someone to care for you and help you during this time because you most definitely can't do it on your own.
Week Two— This one fucking SUCKS.
This is the week that the anesthesia has definitely worn off and you're running in pain medication. I was given a concoction of Gabapentin, Oxycodone, Diazepam, and over the counter Extra Strength Tylenol. Use them. Probably more than you think you should, honestly.
I had/have a very bad habit of not taking my pain medication as much as I should be because I'm low-key afraid of overdosing, but honestly. You won't overdose unless you take waaay too much of all your meds at once.
You'll still have to be sleeping sat up a bit, but you'll have significantly more mobility and strength— that doesn't mean you can over extend yourself. The 15lb rule still exists, and you don't want to extend your arms fully.
At this point, you'll be regaining feeling, it won't be a whole lot, but it comes in stages. (I'll go in depth near the end of the post)
This is when the drains become an aggravation. If you haven't had them taken out by end of week 1, week 2 you more than likely will, and up until then, they will get worse and worse to deal with.
For me, because of where they were placed, they were directly where I couldn't see them and couldn't fuck with them, but I laid on them every night, and of course, my skin was beginning to heal over the sutures, causing aching and unbearable itchiness. THIS is why you want to take your meds. In addition, remember how I mentioned the compression garment and the chafing? You're still wearing that. And if you haven't been closely watching your chafing, by week 2, you're made fully aware of it, because your under arms and sides will have gained feeling by then, and it will fucking hurt. Get band-aids. I have a stack of them up and down my sides where my drains were, and where I've chafed the most.
By your first week post op appointment, the surgeon has probably removed your gauze and any sutures covers for nipple grafts. They'll tell you how to do nipple and scar care. This varies from surgeon to surgeon, but I'll tell you about mine.
I had nipple grafts, so for week 1, I had little gauze squares on top of my nipples and sutures into my skin to protect them. At my post op those were removed and my nipples were covered in Vaseline and telfa paper. (It's basically a medical gauze covered in a plastic that easily sticks to moisturizing gels)
As for my actual top surgery scars, instead of having open sutures, I have my stitches, along side these sticky "brackets" they are plastic and run along my front and sides, except for directly under my nipples because of proximity. The plastic little brackets act as a tension that essentially pulls my skin together and keeps the stitches from stretching and forming wide scars. They fall off on their own once the skin has healed to the point that the tension isn't sufficient for them to keep sticking to my skin (they legit look like little plastic bridges and they are very satisfying swimming tools if you like running your fingers along the bumps they make under your binder) they also move over time, my two center ones have formed a triangle lol.
These brackets prevent me from having to do regimented scar care that some other folks have to post op, so I'd ask about them in your consultations :) you still have daily nipple moisturizing, and draining if you still have drains, but that takes a load off of the laundry list of shit you have to keep track of every day.
NOW FOR PAIN :D
You will be in pain. First it will be itching. The most annoying, persistent itching you have ever felt in your life, and you have to be incredibly care where it's coming from. This itching is actually normal. Itching is the lowest registry of pain your body has, and as you heal and your nerves regenerate, you will feel a variety of very weird things, but most definitely it will involve pain and itching.
Next will be what I'm gonna term "zingers" these are like spikes of tingly pain that you get in your chest, probably in your nipples the most. They don't really hurt, so much as just feel particularly strange and they are annoying too. Not everyone will experience this, and not necessarily both nipples or at this stage, it's highly dependent on how you heal and if you regain feeling in your nipples at all.
I was expecting myself to never regain feeling in my nipples again because of the type of surgery I had (double incision) so it took me by pleasant (and also awful) surprise.
Other weird sensations as your nerves begin regenerating are "hot/cold" and "inexplicable tightness" and of course, "let's ache".
•hot/cold is basically if you took IcyHot or Vicks Vapor Rub or any kind of menthol topical ointment and rubbed it all over your chest. It doesn't hurt, but it is very interesting. It only lasted about 2 days for me, but it was notable.
•inexplicable tightness is exactly as it says. It *feels* like your skin is being pinched, this also doesn't exactly *hurt* but it's not a particularly pleasant feeling. It's just your nerves waking up and going "Oh hey, I'm closer than I was to my neighbor than the last time I checked" it's more noticeable when standing and you feel compelled to hunch over a bit because it's sort of tricking you into thinking your skin will somehow rip open if you don't. At least, it does that for me lol.
• let's ache is also exactly what it's called. It's specifically (for me, mind you) a persistent and constant ache directly along my stitches, specifically the part that wasn't given brackets because of how close it is to my nipples. This is probably the only part of me that hurts not *just* because of nerve regeneration, but also because of increased movement and higher tension because j can't put brackets there. However, I do put scar tape there, which helps, if possibly only through placebo.
By far though, the most distracting pain will be from your drains, if you still have them in.
Medication does weird stuff to your sleep pattern and dreams— additional notes.
So, because I've only just ended my Week Two of post Top Surgery, I'm gonna talk about the weird shit that the medication does and it's major affects.
So, my prescription is 2 antibiotics, 2 pain pills, 1 anxiety med, 1 antinausea. I also have over the counter pain medication, but it's functionally useless right now.
My personal routine is wake up, take antibiotics, and take at least 1 of the prescribed pain meds. My oxy lasts 6 hrs, the gabas last 12. Both will make you sleepy and dizzy, and also give you weird fucking dreams and royally fuck up your sleep schedule.
So, if you've not noticed, you'll be sleeping a lot. You're in the process of healing, and your body literally won't let you stay awake for much longer than 3 or 4 hours in that first week. Later on, it gets much easier, and if your me and don't *want* to be unconscious 90% of the time, it becomes a toss up between "Do I want to take ineffective Tylenols and be awake but in pain the whole time? Or do I want to take effective prescribed pain meds and have to lie down for a nap in roughly an hour because I'm too loopy/mentally foggy to carry on a conversation?"
The prescription wins most every time lol. Soon, as a result, I sleep a vast majority of the time. I can technically stay up in spite of the medication, but it is *very* hard, and even harder if you're trying to be active. Gabapentin is longer lasting and stronger than my oxycodone, and it makes your head feel like it's full of cotton balls. It works fantastic for pain relief, but at the cost of precision motor function and focus.
It gets harder to walk and carry on a conversation because it's a sedative and you're actively fighting your body saying "go the fuck to sleep"
Other weird side effects from the drugs and the healing have are psychological and emotional!!
It's commonly said that post top surgery you can have depression, and I would say yes— but also no.
It's more of being at the mercy of wildly fluctuating emotions and how they manifest. Typically in the form of crying, I've noticed. But not necessarily depression as I'm familiar with it.
Now, this can be for more reasons than *just* medication, and it has no bearing, in my opinion on how one might truly feel about their operation. Some factors include whether or not you take testosterone.
Low testosterone is known to be a cause of depression in cis men, and it works exactly the same for trans men and people who take testosterone. Previous to your surgery, you'll be required to stop taking a lot of your medications, including T if you're on it. This massive dip in T can *definitely* contribute to feeling depressed post op, but for a lot of guys familiar with T, this is a kind of depression you can largely tell is artificial— because it goes away the next time you take your dose XD
Other things that affect your mood is of course, your own hormones. The human body runs on hormones, and our body having gone through invasive surgery like top surgery will of course put your body in overdrive to repair broken connections, and to do that, it releases hormones. Which, in addition to reaction chemically inside you for healing purposes, also are the things that literally control your emotions.
This, in combination with the medication you've been prescribed, and the medication you've had to delay taking, can have a major impact on your mood and mental health. It doesn't necessarily mean you regret getting top surgery (you would know if you did)
But it can manifest in fluctuating mood, how you respond to emotional or psychological stimuli, dreams, nightmares, and how subconscious fears may manifest in them and the occasional intrusive thought. Also you will probably cry. And probably a lot. Over stupid shit too.
Things I've cried over in the past 2 weeks.
Typing "things I've cried over in the past 2 weeks"
A 5 second clip of futurama
A 15 minute excerpt from a 3 hr video essay of a gay furry dating Sim I have literally never heard of or played.
Talking about crying or what I've cried about so far, even when no emotions are attached.
Thanking a person for talking to me.
A good hug
The fact I can't watch Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius.
A video essay about Wizards of Waverly Place.
A donut
That my brother helped me get cheerios down from the pantry because I can't reach that high right now.
My sister getting me curry
Curry in general (tearing up typing it right now)
Getting top surgery
As you can see, a lot of those are just weird shit to sob over for a solid 5-45 minutes.
I've also had a bunch of super weird dreams, and the biggest cause of that (aside from drugs and healing) is sleeping position and pre-existing conditions.
I have sleep paralysis, it's a chronic condition triggered by sleeping on my back, and unfortunately, when healing from top surgery, you have no choice but to sleep on your back for at least two weeks :D
So that's a thing to be wary of, if you deal with that.
Okay, that's all I got in terms of stuff that I haven't ever seen people talk about or even mention in regards to top surgery. So yeah.
Oh also, I have 2 (lightly used) GC2B tank binders to give away. One is trans pride colors, the other is a olive green. Size XL (ideal for folks with at least 38 C cup size) so if anyone is interested dm me :)
hey all. i come bearing bad news about my top surgery
so, i originally said i was having top surgery in november. as of a few months ago, this was no longer the case as i was coerced by my mother to delay my surgery till april-june next year, with the promise that she would pay for the inevitable difference with the change in cost.
yesterday, it was revealed that she had lied to me for months and had no intention of helping me pay for my surgery; she only said she would just to get me to not have it.
now, i no longer have the financial support of my mother for this surgery and will likely not be able to afford the new cost of surgery without going into the money saved for my flight, bnb, food, and recovery. this means i may even need to wait much longer, perhaps till august or 2023 if i'm lucky, for my surgery.
this has done numbers to my mental health, and i continue to worry for my mental health during the much longer wait i have to endure for my life-saving surgery.
therefore, i ask of you to please share my gofundme, paypal and cashapp, and donate if you can.
i cannot begin to explain how important this surgery is to me and idk what i'll do without it. i would appreciate any sort of help i can get. i'm so sorry to be pleading to you like this.
the link to my gofundme is here
my paypal is:
paypal.me/b0gman
my cashapp is:
£b0gman
i need all fat people who want top surgery to know you are not too fat for top surgery. a competent surgeon and anesthesiologist team will make things work for you regardless of your size. if one doctor gives you shit about your weight or bmi or outright refuses to operate on you, get a second opinion. go to a second doctor. go to a third doctor. go to a million doctors until you get what you want. the dual combo of fatphobia and transphobia in medicine cannot keep us down. you do not need to be skinny to change your body how you want to change it. you do not need to be skinny for top surgery.
Things People Don’t Mention About Top Surgery or Mastectomies
There is reluctance to do the surgery if you live alone, even if you have a good support system. One of the most stressful things was the hospital constantly asking about who would be looking after me, picking me up, etc. I really felt the bias towards people who are married and against people who are single. I don’t think it was intentional but it was definitely there. (Please read more about this situation here) That being said you will definitely need a robust support system of some kind to get through everything in the first 4 -8 weeks or more after surgery.
All your pill bottles will have safety caps and you won’t have the strength to open them on your own without a lot of struggling.
There are soooo many medications. Take them as prescribed and when they say take the level of pain meds you need to manage your pain, do it. I got opiods and ibuprofen. If the pain is bad 5-7+ on the 1-10 scale take the stronger meds. Pain can slow healing by causing stress on the body.
Drains are a pain in the ass. Every hour pushing the hoses so they don’t clog. Major drag but they are very important and if they get clogged it can cause issues
Sleeping sitting up, prepare for this. Lots of pillows or recliner or something. Practice for a week or more before surgery to get used to it.
Sleep as much as you need. Don’t feel like you should stay awake or whatever because you are supposed to or it is day time or whatever. Listen to your body.
Drink lots and lots of fluids. You may think you are drinking enough but you probably aren’t. The fluid in the drains and the medicines and peeing all the time and sweating from the tight wrap. You need to replace all of this fluid. I think I have been up around 80+ oz the past few days.
The month before and a month after surgery eat a high protein and higher calorie diet. It will help with surgery and recovery. You need the energy and the protein to recover.
Cut out added salt, caffiene, alcohol, and nicotine before surgery and during recovery. All of these can increase fluid retention, slow healing, or be dangerous with the meds.
Your chest will feel very strange. At first you can’t feel anything and then the skin feels tight everywhere and still strange. The recovery process feels real weird. Your whole torso feels kind of bizarre and new.
Ask all the questions. No question is stupid. It’s trauma to your body ask all the questions. YES all of them.
The tube (intubation) from surgery irritates the throat. Coughing from this sucks so damned much because of the binder and the chest tightness and what not. Find lozenges (Both cough drops and just candy) that you like. I say candy because too many cough drops can upset the stomach and you don’t need that after anesthesia and with all the meds. Also get popsicles.
Take everything out of packages you can before surgery. They are damned hard to open. Those paper cartons holding the apple sauce and snapping apart pudding cups and pulling apart pill blister packs.. ugh I should have taken them apart before the surgery.
Scissors are your friend and every package is an enemy. Seriously, get a good pair of scissors for packaging.
Also, skip 2 liters of pop, gallon of milk, etc. They will be too heavy to pick up after surgery. You can be more independent if you get smaller size things.
Timers are your friend. All the phone timers forever. Also, handwritten or some other chart type to keep track of drain cleaning and taking meds. You will be sleepy and forgetful the first few days. Use other things to help you keep track.
Take stock of how your lights go on and off. Can you reach them while pretending you are a T-Rex. If not, especially ceiling fans and that, put long strings on the pulls so that you can operate them while you can’t raise your arms.
Also check your doors to make sure they don’t stick. You won’t be able to tug hard on doors or drawers or whatever.
Get yourself some treats. Food related or clothing or whatever. Treats will help.
Before surgery plan out and prepare at least a week of meals. Be sure to include some that are easy on the stomach like crackers, rice and chicken, etc. Just in case you have stomach upset from the anesthesia or meds. Gentle foods include starches and chicken/tofu that is low fat and low spice so that it is gentle.
Soft fuzz free and easy to get on clothing is essential. I went out and got a couple of those shorts and button down shirt pajama sets. Life savers. Also, get a size or two bigger than usual to accommodate drains and padded bandages and things.
Strange pains, you will probably have them.
Be sure to do the arm exercises as directed by your surgeon and watch your shoulders hunching. The shoulder hunching is from the chest tightness but you don’t want your back to start hurting. Try to sit up as straight as you can.
Pump action soap dispensers will be too hard to use the first few days.
Weeks before surgery, start teaching yourself how to do things without your arms; like standing up, getting into and out of bed, squatting, getting up from chairs, etc. Practice doing things with your elbows next to your chest like a t-rex; getting food and drinking, brushing teeth, taking meds, etc This will be very important
I am sure there are more but I thought some of you might benefit from the things I have learned so far from going through surgery.