Actually Ended Up Having An Amazing Day And Will Continue To Do So. And Then An Amazing Week And Month.

Not to be delusional. But I've been writing his name in my pad this 2 days. Yesterday we didn't cross paths, but today we did and he actually looked at me. He didn't just glaze his gaze over me, he took proper looks. Never happened before hihi

Gonna fast till Thursday noon. Right now it's only almost at hour 10, but gotta push thru it.

Tomorrow I'll have to go to the staff manager at my summer job and look over my contract. I should ask for more pay than last summer but idk how ughhh.

And then day after that I'll actually have ti go to work. In theory it's not that bad, but just the idea of it fills me with unlimited tread.

I feel like I'm one gained kg away from taking an hammer to my Jaw so I couldn't eat solid foods again.

I feel as if ill never be able to escape my food addiction. I feel prisoned for eternity. I don't want to live like this, but its part of my whole being. It has fuzed itself into every fiber of me. The only way to escape it is to kill myself.

NOOOO!!! A GIRL IVE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS WITH OVER THE MONTHS JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS AN ED. NOW MY BRAIN WILL AUTOMATICALLY START SEEING HER AS COMPETITION, START HYPERANALYZING EVERYTHING I AND SHE DO AND SAY AND ITLL START TO SPITE HER FOR BEING SKINNIER THAN ME.

In the morning my coworker asked if everything is okay, because my face was sad. I didn't quite understand if between the lines she was also telling me I shouldn't look like that bcs how it would look to customers. But I tried to smile more.

And now my mom got angry at me out of no where bcs like she said, I always look like im dying, whatever happens I look like I'm dying. She also said that life wasn't so hard which I agree, my life isn't hard. She also ranted some more but yh.

I guess I'll have to train myself to smile all the time. Idk how to tho lol

i’ve never wanted something as badly as i want you. i want to cradle you in my arms and lock you away forever. let me take care of you, baby.

I was set on trying to get into university for one specific degree and obvs have back up options aswell. But that one degree was my certain number 1 option. I seemed to have atleast something certain. And today I just realized it's not for me and I'm very unsure if I'll be able to do it. But it's not like I have anything else, I can't even think of a second option for an option I'm already so doubtful of.

Need to keep myself in check cause I feel so close to asking my mom if she could live on if I died.