I'm Coming Up On My 25th Birthday And I've Never Seen A Gynecologist Because My Family Doctor Also Happens

Honestly, i have 0 trust in Christian priests. Like, these mfs literally read the whole ass fuckin' Bible and had no problem with it? Decided to preach it even? Suspicious.

Just saw another "if you hurt people because of your faith you don't really have any faith" post, and wanted to point out once again that this weird thing we do where we pretend that "real" religion is incapable of doing harm isn't doing us any favors. Of course people with "real" faith can hurt people! Christians beat their queer kids because they have real faith that being queer gets you tortured forever after you die, and that beating kids is a 100% god-approved activity! India's beef vigilantes kill their Muslim neighbors because they have real faith that cows are sacred animals that shouldn't be killed!

Stop this No True Scotsman shit! All it does is cede the moral high ground in every situation to religious belief, automatically agreeing that religion makes you a better person, and anything that makes you a worse person can't be religion.

At night my brain goes:

Concious me: I need to do [thing that is important but I forgot what it is] before tomorrow!

ADHD: You don't have the spoons to do [thing]

CONCIOUS ME: I'll be the judge of that! I can totally manage my spoons responsibly when I know what I need to get done. Just tell me what the task is.

ADHD: How did you forget! it's so important!

CONCIOUS ME: I didn't forget, we forgot!

ADHD: So it's my fault that you can't remember important things *cries in self hatred & RSD*

CONCIOUS ME: fuck. So brain is out of commission. How the fuck do I remember the thing I have to do!?

* Beloved Gf attempts interaction*

ADHD BRAIN & CONCIOUS SELF SIMULTANIOUSLY: Excuse me, could you not interrupt us when we're in the middle of an (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) argument! Can't you see the (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) crisis I'm experiencing!?

BELOVED GF: says anything... literally anything

ADHD: She hates us. She hates me and she tolerates you. And we are inextricably linked. Would that it were so easy to kill me! Would that I could die to let you live!! *melodramatic hand gestures*

CONCIOUS SELF: *to ADHD* oh shit, do you really think that!?

CONCIOUS SELF: *to self* No, we talked about this. She doesn't want to hurt you.

CONCIOUS SELF: *proceeds to freak out at beloved GF*

Um so...

I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...

On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.

I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.

I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.

But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.

I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.

I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.

I know all that.

And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.

I don't know when I began to think that ignorance might be bliss. But not having the ability to "un-know" has been rotting our miserable human lives since Eve was convinced by a phallic symbol to eat "ThE FrUiT oF tHe TrEe Of ThE kNoWlEdGe Of GoOd AnD eViL"

Fun fact: without enrichment animals can suffer from depression and anxiety.

It's me. I'm animals. Work is not enriching enough

I struggle with:

ADHD & neurospicy-nes

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Possible Autism diagnosis is on the bacckburner for an indefinite period of time.

Depression

Borderline personality disorder

And being told "you can't"

My response to you can't is: "watch me"

And that usually leads to me crashing and burning in spectacular fashion.

I think I understand the patients of plague doctors and "barbers". Because if a Doctor from the 1910's came to my home and told me to drink my heroin while an 18th century scholar melts some metal to pour in my ear. I'd be like: "will it make the pain go away?", and then they'd look at each other and go like: "totally, we're experts", and I'd say: "proceed!", and then I'd be dead. But my ear wouldn't hurt anymore!

So basically my question is:

How to ear infection?

How to pain?

Halp?

I hate the spring

Because it smells like a schoolyard, like a rubber band about to snap, like unreachable expectations. I reeks of change and hope that sours like milk in the sun. It smells like an wild animal about to pounce on its vulnerable pray.

It makes me nauseous, it wets my socks, it burns my eyes and It looms over me like the inevitable end of all that is good.

My common law wife and I made soft plans to elope, Did some dishes, she gave me a massage for my chronic pain, which hurt so good it turned me on, which turned her on, so the massage turned into us fucking like it's not a Tuesday in the middle of the day and then she brought me an ice cold glass of water with a straw!!!

Is this... domestic bliss?