And After All This Expansion They Asked Me If I'd Like To Stand For Their President Election, Apparently

I'm constantly struck between yesterday and tomorrow losing today. I'm struck between the old me and the future me not knowing what I am now. I'm struck in this vicious circle getting lost everyday and try to find a way out through small things everyday....

A long ride, Sufi songs and a lot of people brought this thought out on a moonlight night....

Half hidden, half in the light. My tangled legs wanna leave all this behind and run.

Run towards the light. Towards the peace towards serenity.

But my legs are struck,

they're bound to stay,

no one has locked me in,

but my legs are pulled back

and they are asked to stay.

They are told to finish what I'm doing.

Half in the darkness and half in light, my legs want to run towards the ocean.

I never saw her like this before.

She has never been so vulnerable before

.

I never knew that an old chord like this

Would stir up so much.

.

I have never heard him like that

All so messed up yet so clear about what was going on.

.

They should both just go on

Move their separate paths.....

Actually they have.

.

It's just old chords like these.

Because

Some voices just brings in memories

And some people bring back a smile

And they are the ones like that.

.

And they would always be like that.

No matter what,

Some times, some things, and some memories never change

I plug in my earphones with no music switched on

The night slowly turned mellow.

The embrace of my best friend's mother

and the timing of my google photo notifications

just feels like a hug and a salp at the same time.

I gaze at pictures of the sky,

my phone chimes again

It's the reminder I had set to call my parents.

I swipe it away and brush off my thoughts

I do not have the energy to dial the number

and deal with both of them.

I continue looking at the image from last year,

a time when I was at a stranger's house

as I didn't wanna go home

I saw how juggling between multiple things,

multitasking, studying and working

were all pins to my shoulder

pinned with pride and a pinch of salt.

I remember how I was happy for the lack of time

to think, to feel and to contemplate.

But then going home, going back to that house

having to live with the person

whose house I left years ago.

scared me in a way I didn't know of

It made me want to leave even before reaching

It made me want the plane to crash

the car to stumble

the road to split.

It scared me that staying under the same roof

would scratch wounds that had become scars

would lead to conversations that would end to fights

I reached the building she called home and I called house

I remember how she would want to embrace me in a hug and I'd stand still

I remember how she wanted to know the people in my life

and how she wasn't a part of it

I remember how she had faded from all of it

While I stab my toe on the way to find my notebook to scribble this down

My phone chimes of the reminder to sleep

I still stare at the notification.

I miss the person I don't want in life.

Will used to love me when I got nothing but my aching soul.

Seeing the pain seeing the pleasure.

And I could fall or I could fly. Hanging on the words you say.

With you my dear I'm safe

Tell me why I can be there where you are

Its a paradise and it is a war zone

(Songs : "The moon song" "Pillow talk" "Show me the meaning" "Dive")

I diagnosed myself of suicidal tendencies.

I'm over it now

I'm glad I'm over it.

I was fascinated by death

But it's over now.

What would have happened

If my thoughts had gone real..?

If my laziness had not pertained.?

Yes, I was lazy to die too...

I would have jumped off that building I pass through everyday.

I would have been somewhere else now

Food to the worms

And in time would have been just bones and only bones.

Many would have cried....

Some for days, others for weeks, and

Yet a few for months.

But the law of memory would have allowed everybody to forget me.

That's what happens to everybody.

That's normal.

But then, why is it normal..?

Why do we forget..?

We say people are everything

Then why do we forget..?

I know its moving on,

And that it's very essential.

But then, most of the time

The person doesn't even remain in our vaguest memory.

Aniversaries of death in the initial years

Brings back the flood of tears.

But with years, even that dissappears.

So, what significance do people have

What do they mean in life.?

That haunts me today

More than my chaos.

And now, death does not facinate me

But rather the question....

Why does the memory fade away..?

It was my birthday 2 days ago,

And the first person who came to my mind, was my dad

When I was a kid, he had hidden toffies in the small compartmemt in his bike.

and had fooled me making me so dissapointed, but it turned out that he was messing. The joy my father gave that day still brings a smile....

And it was him who gave me the best b'day when he was with me....

No birthday can beat that. But what went wrong was that rush of nostalgia making my hair color green. And popped up the questions as to what was I thinking and what made me feel so. God I hated it...

Then when my friends gave me a great bash and that joy made my hair purple.

And that's when I missed my family and that changed my hair color to blue...

And all of this was because of that bloody witch who ruined the magic trick...

I am an open book now, even though no one messes with me, but at times I like to hold things to myself....

Sometimes I am best with me and I had known me best...

A magic experiment has gone wrong and now your hair changes colour based on your emotions. This has created all sorts of awkward situations, as people can read you like a book.

.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’

I was walking down the foothills of some huge mountain, in a small corner of this world. It was an evening with mist, a slight shiver and a cool breeze… I was walking with some excellent music plugged in, a nice evening of solidarity.

That’s when I saw two really old men sitting next to each other, sharing a cigarette and smiling at each other. At a glance, they seemed like two people who had grown old together, that smile caught a lot of warmth, I couldn’t resist a smile looking at them.

I walked past them, sat on a small rock and lit a cigarette and started smoking, they were still smiling, I couldn’t stop myself from talking to them

‘Hey uncle, are you guys childhood friends?’ I asked.

They looked at each other, then at me and smiled again, I couldn’t quite understand what that smile meant, maybe they did not want to answer, so I continued smoking and looked away.

A few minutes later someone tapped on my shoulder, I looked up and saw those two smiling faces…

‘We just met each other a couple of years ago, and are deeply madly in love’ and they gave out a shy smile followed by the answer. That blush on their face was undefinable. I gave out a smile, they waved at me and told me,

“find that love soon, we waited a bit too long”

I love old couples, because there is this happiness on seeing people having spent their entire life with someone. It sends out hope. I always believed love was in growing old together, and that love was doing everything together. But I had never seen love like that, the love in the eyes of those two, in the smile of those two, it was beyond all the love I had known, it was the love that made me smile throughout my way back. 

trying to figure me out

The other day someone asked me, what’s the most precious thing in your life? Or maybe something that you hold on to? I thought for a very long time and my answer was “nothing”. Yes, I do not associate feelings with objects anymore. There was a time when even the smallest of objects meant the world to me, where I was close to all petty things and anything anybody gave me it meant the world to me. I used to cry and drain my tears out if I lost something, but now things have changed. I first thought that it was because of the so called “maturity” I gained with increasing age and that it was normal. I thought it was childishness that I expressed before.

But I just feel that day by day I am getting detached from things. I think that I don’t associate feelings with objects because then, being objects they tend to get damaged and when that happens it hurts. And I thought maybe I’ll leave objects and associate greater amount of feelings with people. There are very few people in my life with whom I associate. I thought this was what growing up meant, that when you become matured this is what you do, but alas I preferred the childishness.

There was a thing with associating feelings with objects, there is no expectation of the object to have the same feeling towards you and thus without expectations there is no scope for disappointments.

With people it complicates things. You have to get what you give and when that does not happen you feel disappointed. So was I. With all those disappointments in life from people every now and then, I just realized that I can’t associate with anything. I just can’t.

Neither people nor things. After every failure, breakup of every relationship, loosing of objects I tend to move on very easily in life and people think that I’m emotionless, a lot have said too but I have just become so. From too emotional to emotionless. I couldn’t take the disappointments so I stopped expecting. Maybe this is good maybe it isn’t. I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

People say that I use them for my gain, well when I was being used I dint complain, but when you get the taste of your own medicine its bitter now!

People say that my behavior and attitude isn’t right, well you just get what you give.

I have always been told that my ego is my biggest enemy, you call it ego I call it, self respect.

I don’t care about others and their feelings you say, when no one gave a damn about me I just stopped caring.

For me, I am the way life has tamed me. I might be emotionless, egoistic, rude, emotionless or anything. It’s your perception about me, and I can’t do anything about it. But don’t give me hopes, don’t talk about me or regarding my presence in your life to someone associated with us and I get to know from them. If you want to say something, tell it to me right at my face I won’t feel offended. Don’t be surprised when I get worried about the people in my life, even though I don’t show any emotions I’m very protective when it comes to my people. I loved the old me but I wasn’t practical, the new me is just a reflection of how I’m treated. The people around me and situations I have been through have made me think this way. Maybe it isn’t it pleasing and convenient but this way I’m not hurt every now and then. So I prefer being this way because I now care more about me than others, as that phase of me putting everybody else before me has passed long time ago.

“the overgrown quills on my legs didn’t stop him.

my period blood and the tampon inside of me didn’t either.

this was never about attraction. it was about dominance.

he was power hungry with an insatiable appetite. i could taste command on his fingers when he shoved them down my throat and made me vomit before he left my house.

no, i wasn’t desirable. 

so, let’s make one thing clear - he desired to control me.”

- smspoetry (sexual assault)